Scarleteen

Hey Staff,

So I finally spoke to my therapist about what to do in order to make my (future) sexual partner(s) feel safe with me.

I was told the only thing I'm may not be taking into consideration is my nonverbal communication.

Without using words, how can I reassure a sexual partner that I won't hurt them or that they aren't obligated to have sex with me in any way?

Thank you!

I think a lot of how comfortable partners is comes in with verbal as well as nonverbal. Being able to talk about sex and what makes each of you comfortable, your needs and wants, etc. before beginning to have sex. Also letting them know that if at any point they're not comfortable, it's okay to let you know - that you're comfortable going back to what does feel comfortable.

When it comes to nonverbals, making sure you're taking things slow, and paying attention to partner's reactions. If you're kissing, do they seem to be feeling the same things you are, or are they seeming more apprehensive or pulling away. When taking things slow, it's easier to gauge reactions to changes, and remember sex doesn't need to be ad generally isn't a nonverbal activity. Often we learn the most about what partners like and are comfortable with by encouraging those conversations before, during, and after sex - since who knows their body better than someone themselves?

Hey Stephanie,

This is very true and solid advice!

Is there anything else I specifically can do, with my actions, to make my sexual partner(s) feel safe and remind them they aren't obligated to do anything? This is assuming I have already used my best words before, during, and after sex.
(Also assuming I've listened and asked if I understood what they meant or what they wanted and clarified).

Thanks again!

I think that's a question best put to your partners themselves! After all, that's something that's going to be pretty individual. For example, one partner may want more direct eye contact, because that makes them feel more reassured, while a lot of direct eye contact can make someone else feel uncomfortable. Of course, a partner who doesn't feel worried about you hurting them or like they're obligated from the front might not want or need anything like this at all. (Personally, I wouldn't choose to be sexual with anyone who I was worried might hurt me or where I felt at all obligated in the first place, for example.)

But since it seems clear it's something YOU need to feel okay, regardless, I'd just put this question into the talking you're doing with partners both when you first start being sexual with them, or before.

You can ask it just like you asked us here, with something like, "It's important to me my partners feel safe with me and know they're not obligated to do anything sexual with me, ever. Is there anything I can do or that you need to reassure you you're safe and you aren't obligated to do anything with me you don't want to?"

How does that feel?

Hi Heather,

This is perfect actually! Would it be safe to say that I should also incorporate asking about any sort of things that could possibly trigger my sexual partner(s)?

Other than that, I feel like this could really help me move forward and better interact with future sexual partner(s).

Thank you!

I think asking if anyone has any particular 'turn off' or 'no go' activities is a good idea. Otherwise it sounds like you're set!