Running away

[solareclipse94]

Hey. So i made my mom really upset and I'm thinking about running away from home. I can't stamd to see my mom this upset. As im writing this, im literally crying. I dont know what to do. Should I run away or stay? Someone please help me.

[Alice M]

Hey there,

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Would you like to tell me more about what happened? Maybe we can help you work through it a bit and figure out where you can go from here.

[solareclipse94]

Thank you so much for getting back to me. What happened was my mom was looking through my messages and she saw a picture of me (not going to go into detail about it) and she started crying. When she came back into my room, she said that she never thought that she would say that she is embarrassed and she said that i'm most likely going to be grounded.

[Alice M]

Wow, that sounds really rough. I'm so sorry that happened. You do not need to go into details about the picture, I understand well enough.

So, to throw some thinking topics out there: how have you and your mom handled conflict in this past? what has worked and what hasn't? do you feel safe at home?

Also, how long ago did this happen? I'm assuming today.

We typically wouldn't want to encourage anyone to run away -- we want you safe and also there can be legal consequences to doing so. I can encourage you to find somewhere safe to go if need be.

[solareclipse94]

It happened today and we haven't had conflicts like this before. I don't really know if I do feel safe here. She said that she would've slapped me if my face wasn't swollen from Wednesday and the surgery I went through to get my wisdom teeth pulled. My sister also said the same thing to me. I also dont want to go to my dad's apartment because my mom would most likely tell him then he would harm me. So i basically have no place that is safe to go.

[Alice M]

Okay, please do avoid going to your dad's apartment.

I'm so sorry that your mom and your sister are reacting this way. Hitting is not okay. It is okay for them to have upset feelings, it is not okay for them to treat you this way. Is there anyone in your life that you could reach out to? Perhaps a family member or friend or family of a friend, who may be able to help you talk to your mom or at least be present as a buffer?

[solareclipse94]

There are no family members that live close by. They all live in Oregon, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Florida, and Arizona. And I dont think i can really reach out to my friends or their family members. I can't really reach out to anyone. But I did however send my boyfriend an email asking him for support.

[Alice M]

I'm glad you're able to reach out to your boyfriend. I hope he can be supportive.

Some common advice (perhaps common because it can work really well) for people in conflict, particularly parents + youth, is to write them a letter rather than talking face to face. It gives you a chance to get your thoughts and feelings out without being interrupted, cut off or intimidated by their facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. That could be a place to start in resolving this for the time being?

Also, I'm aware that with this holiday season (whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate) tensions can run extra high. That could be something to be aware of when getting through the next few days.

To loop back to your original question - we would be very concerned about your safety and potential legal consequences of running away. If you find yourself in a dangerous, unsafe situation, let's talk about other options such as accessing emergency services/resources.

[solareclipse94]

Thanks. I mean I would want to go to my boyfriend's but he lives nowhere close to me. He is one of the only people that would be supportive other than you guys. I'm also going over to my dad's apartment tomorrow and monday evening. I really hope my mom doesnt tell him about this.

[Alice M]

It sounds like you might be in physical danger at your dad's? Do you have a plan for what to do if that happens? I can try to gather some resources for you.

[solareclipse94]

I have no clue on how to handle it if he does try and harm me. I'd be glad if you could help me with some ways to deal with it.

[Alice M]

Let's start here: Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
This article gives a good definition of abuse and some advice on beginning to think about and be aware of the cycles.

There is also a lot of info on safety plans in here. I believe it refers more to intimate partner relationships vs parents, but still good info: The Scarleteen Safety Plan

It looks like you're in Vermont?

[Alice M]

I'm searching for resources for you right now.

Additionally, longterm -- I know school is out for winter break right now -- do you go to school? Teachers and counselors can be great resources and supports sometimes.

[Alice M]

I found a few leads on places for you to try.

There is the Pride Center of Vermont Safe Space Anti Violence Program. Their hotline is open Monday-Thursday 10am-6pm and Fridays 10am-2pm. I realize that doesn't help you this weekend, they just seem to have a lot of resources and referrals there.

Here is some info on the Vermont Department for Children and Families and what they say they do. You can call their hotline (or ask someone else in your life to do it for you) at 1-800-649-5285 24/7.

Additionally, I want you to remember that you are a worthwhile, valuable and important human. I am so sorry that the people in your life treat you the way that they do, and that it's so tough right now. If you'd like to chat more about any of this, I will be here on and off throughout today and tomorrow.

[solareclipse94]

Thank you for the articles. I will start reading them as soon as possible.

[Alice M]

You are very welcome. I am happy to talk about anything you read about in more depth, too.

[solareclipse94]

im also finding that my mom is trying to get me to eat more even though she knows my stomach can't handle a lot of food. I know that she wants me to eat more. but at the same time, i am eating to the point to where i feel like km going to throw up.

[Alice M]

Other people, parents included, trying to control your body + eating habits can be really tough. I would encourage you to try to firmly hold the boundary of not eating to the point where you throw up. Maybe you could work out some kind of compromise? Figure out how much food you need to feel okay for now.

I'm a parent, and I encourage my kids to eat "until your tummy is happy" and I think that saying could hold true for older youth and adults too. I'm hopeful that your mom will understand that you're doing your best, and that you are in charge of your body.

[solareclipse94]

I can't eat much solid foods otherwise my stomach will reject the food. I've told her when my stomach is full. But she doesn't listen.

[Alice M]

Have you talked to any doctors or other medical professionals about this?

[solareclipse94]

No I haven't.

[Alice M]

Once things calm down for you a bit, that would be worth mentioning to a doctor or even school nurse or counselor.

How are you doing now?

[solareclipse94]

Right now, I'm tired and worried about my boyfriend. Cause he hasn't responded. But the day I go back to school, i can talk to my guidance counselor and also one of the nurses about my stomach issue.

[Alice M]

That sounds like a good plan. I'm sorry about your boyfriend not responding -- that sounds worrisome and I now you could use his support right now.

[solareclipse94]

Yeah. I really need his support and he worries about me all the time. Whenever I respond to him, he always says that he was really worried about me that day and that he missed me. He's most likely busy though. I just want reassurance that he supports me. I even asked him if he was comfortable with me being Pansexual and he said that he's fine with it. He is also comfortable with me being pagan and i'm comfortable with him being a muslim. I love him so much. He is the only person i can open up to about problems i have. Like my ADHD. I told him that i'm on meds for it and he started asking me if im going to be okay. I told him not to worry.