Engaged and confused

[ReliableLake]

I hope this is okay to post. I feel like I don't have many people to talk to about this.

Side note: I suffer from mental illness (recently diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety and mild depression). I am in therapy and I'm going to be trying medication in January.


I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We got engaged about 6 months ago.
For a few months now our relationship has been very up and down since we got engaged. I feel like we're in a rut and some things just feel off. I can't pinpoint what feels off. I've contemplated leaving. Sometimes I feel like it's the right thing to do but I can't bring myself to do it because I feel like I will regret it. I'm finding myself wanting him to be happy and I feel like he would be happier with someone else, yet the thought of him being with someone else just kills me

My mental illness has gotten extremely bad the past year to the point where I feel mentally exhausted and it makes me not want to put the effort into my relationship. I feel horrible because I know he deserves someone who is 100% wanting to put in the effort and I just don't feel mentally well enough to even want to. I'm getting help but as you know those things don't change over night.

We haven't had sex in months. This is due to me never being in the mood and I went off birth control because my anxiety was getting worse. I dont feel comfortable having sex without birth control. Naturally, the lack of sex has made the relationship feel more like a friendship. We also both live at home so we rarely get any privacy. I feel that the lack of sex has given me a lot of doubts in the relationship. It makes me think I'm not that attracted to him.

I'm having a hard time distinguishing between intuition and anxiety. I know they say intuition is more of a calm "knowing". Sometimes I feel this way when I think we might not be meant to be, but then I feel like my negative mind is making me feel that way. I feel constantly conflicted about what to do. I think about ending things but then I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I truly cant imagine my life without this man. He's my best friend, hes my other half. We have an insanely strong emotional connection that I know I will never have with anyone else. I just cant stop obsessing over the negative feelings and uncertainty that I have about wanting to be with him. I keep wondering if when my anxiety/depression is under control if I will feel less negative about this. If anyone has had mental illness before then you can relate to finding it hard to feel "loving" emotion. It can also be hard to accept love. Sometimes you can almost convince yourself that the negative is your true feelings.

Do you think a "gut feeling" can be wrong?

Should I try to stick through this in hopes that I can save my relationship once I feel mentally better?

[Alice M]

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you're feeling so stuck here. Working on mental health is... well, a lot of work. It can be all consuming at times, for sure and also adds a frustrating layer of complication to our relationships. I know how it can feel like you're looking up from deep in a hole, and there's no way out.

That said, it doesn't necessarily mean that your mental illness is forcing you to be negative about an otherwise 100% fine relationship. Sounds like it's time for a relationship check up (*cue game show music*).

Regardless of whether or not you decide to remain in this relationship, your mental health is worth treating for YOU so please do continue taking good care of yourself (I know it isn't easy!).

Have you discussed the frequency/infrequency in which you're having sex and how you both feel about that? That could be a good place to start.

[ReliableLake]

Thank you for posting that link. When I went through it I felt like my answers were very positive for the most part.
Even though this probably sounds dumb I think I'm just getting major commitment issues. I've had commitment issues in all aspects of my life (not just in the relationship).

We've talked about our lack of sex and he's very about it and he's very patient. I think it's freaking me out more because even though I have a very low sex drive, I feel like the lack of sex has caused a rut in our relationship. Like we feel more like friends than boyfriend/girlfriend.

[Siân]

Hi ReliableLake,

When you say the lack of sex has caused a rut, what does that mean for you? Have you taken any time to think about what it is you get out of sex - both for yourself and for your relationship. For example, if intimacy is one of the important things that you get from sex, what other ways can you find that in your relationship? Are other types of physical intimacy - such as snuggling and kissing - things you have or want? If it's about being excited about something together - or about eachother - then what other things can you do together that give you those feelings?

I want to second Alice M's point that looking after your mental health is so, so important and it's ok to prioritise that. Do you have access to good treatment, and someone to talk to about these things?

In deciding whether to stay, I would suggest focusing on the here and now, since we can't predict the future. How much does this relationship make you feel good and support you in looking after your mental health? How much does it make you feel bad or worried?

[ReliableLake]

Thank you I really appreciate it

I guess I just feel like we're missing that physical attraction that we would normally get from intimacy.

We are definitely trying to do different things to become closer and hopefully bring that spark back.

Yes I have access to help and support with my mental illness. It's a bit of a slow process but I'm working on it through therapy and hopefully medication soon.

He's a great guy and is extremely supportive. I think I'm just feeling my own personal guilt because my mind feels too messed up to love him the same way he loves me.

I was actually just diagnosed with vulvodynia so that explains why our sex life has been struggling. I'm having a tough time dealing with it right now.

[Heather]

In therapy, have you ever voiced this: "I think I'm just feeling my own personal guilt because my mind feels too messed up to love him the same way he loves me."

I ask because I think there could be some beneficial conversations for you about the fact that you do not HAVE to love him the same way he loves you because you are not the same person. Too, you are a person with mental illness, but that doesn't mean your mind is "messed up" (just different, seriously: there is so much neurodiversity out there, and no one "right" or "proper" brain), just that this is part of who you are and is in the mix of how you, uniquely, will love someone and be in relationships. A supportive therapist could help you both accept that, and then just learn how to manage all this while loving someone and see it that way -- as just managing things, not as being messed up. Get what I mean?

In terms of the vulvodynia diagnosis, want to talk about the hard time you're having with that some?