Scarleteen

I was wondering what your guys opinion is on losing your virginity when you’re not in a relationship. I really do want to lose mine but at the same time I’m scared because my friends have said they’ve gotten really attached to the person they lost their virginity to and they keep saying stuff like “you never forget your first”. I fall way too quickly as it is so I really don’t want to sleep with someone and then feel heartbroken or even worse regretful. My close friend recently lost hers to her “friend with benefits” and it got really messy really quickly so I’m also scared of the relationship turning sour right after it’s done. Do you have opinions or thoughts on this? I’d love to hear them!

Hi Roxfoxreal


It sounds like you're thinking a lot about this and that you've gotten a lot of different opinions and experiences from your friends.

You ask what our opinions are. My opinion? None of us can tell you what to do. More than that, the decision to do *any* sort of sexual activity for the first time (or for the hundredth time, for that matter) is so personal that no one else has any business having opinions about it, even when they're asked.

Yes, having sex of any kind can get complicated and messy. And that goes for more than just intercourse, which is what I think you are talking about when you're talking about losing your virginity. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) It can get complicated and messy (or not) for people who are in a relationship, too.

It all depends on the people involved, how honestly they're able to communicate with each other, how they are both feeling, how the sex goes, and all sorts of other factors.


What do you, in your heart of hearts, feel like is the best choice for *you* right now? ...because, in the end, you, an the person you would decide to be sexual with, are the only people who matter here. And, since it sounds like there isn't anyone specific you're thinking of being sexual with (again, correct me if I'm wrong) *you* are the person who counts the most here.

What do you think?

Also, here's some reading material about virginity. There might be some stories or perspectives here that can help you decide:

20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen
Interviews Hanne Blank

Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context

Wow so sorry for the late reply but thank you so much for you answer! I’m sorry to be bombarding you guys with so many questions but I’d like to feel secure and confident with my sexuality and sexual choices. I guess I am just worried that I won’t find someone that I feel fits what I feel comfortable with and am just going to sleep with someone to feel close and then regret it. I have really been struggling lately with being starved for affection (does that make sense?). I have a wonderful support system but I just want feel wanted and desired and loved by someone. Have you or anyone else you know experienced this? How did they/you deal? I want to feel love but not while compromising my values but it’s hard.

No need to apologise, we're here when you need us

So it sounds to me like there are two separate things going on here and you might be linking them in ways that don't always fit together.

One question is: do you want to have sex? I really like some of the questions in this article: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist, there are a bunch of questions that can help you figure out if being sexual is a good fit for you right now. I especially encourage you to read through the "emotional items" part of the article - what do you think?

One important sentence in there is "I know that sex and love can co-exist, but also that they are not the same".

That brings us onto the second question: how do you manage wanting to feel loved and desired? To me, that sounds like you are craving intimacy - as so many of us do. Intimacy and sex aren't really the same thing though, and there are a million other things that often make us feel as if not more loved and intimate than sex - especially sex with someone we don't really have feelings for. Think about the relationships you do have, when do you feel love and connection? Maybe it's having really deep conversations about your hopes, dreams or fears. Maybe it's having a non-sexual cuddle with a close friend. Can you do more of those things?

Thanks Siân! I guess am confusing the two; sex vs intimacy. For the cuddling with a close friend do you mean I should cuddle with some of my close friends or just someone that I am comfortable with of the opposite sex? I think I will wait until I feel ready and comfortable (on all levels: emotional, physical, mental) before having sec with someone that I care for.

Hi roxfoxreal,

It's not even really that you're confusing the two, more that sex can be a form of intimacy but the two aren't necessarily interchangeable. Sometimes there are forms of intimacy that might be a better fit for what you need in that moment than sex (for example, if you had a partner there would be days with them where the intimacy that made you feel best or closest to them was cuddling on the couch rather than sex, and other days where the opposite was true). This article does a really good job detailing what Siân was getting at:Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots . If cuddling or other non-sexual intimacy feels like something you need or want, that could be with anyone you feel comfortable doing that with (assuming they're also comfortable doing it with you). Does that all make sense?

That does make sense thank you. I will keep you guys updated on how everything goes!