15 and haven’t had an orgasm

[littlebirdie]

Hi! I’m a girl, 15, almost 16, and bisexual. I’ve never had an orgasm: neither I nor my boyfriend have been able to stimulate me enough to reach it. Every place I’ve looked has told me to play around with masturbating with myself, and figure out what I like, but I only really get aroused around my boyfriend and maybe a bit thinking about him. He does finger me, and it feels good, but I want to be able to “finish” like he can. My other thought is that, because I’m younger, I might not have physically matured enough to reach orgasm. I do have a sex drive and I do get aroused, it just feels kinda cooped up, I guess. I also get aroused reading and watching certain things, but whenever I try to masturbate and release, it just doesn’t work and I feel really uncomfortable. How can I release that energy and reach orgasm?

[Heather]

Orgasm isn't something people have to be a certain age to experience. It's also something that people most often learn by practice and with masturbation, not a partner. As well, I think that describing this as "release" of "sexual energy" can be a problematic framework. Orgasm is not actually that fancy, even though it can feel like a big deal sometimes. Rather, it's just an involuntary response of the central nervous system. For most people to feel sexually satisfied - probably more of what you mean by "release" - orgasm is only part of the picture, and sometimes not the most major part. People tend to report that feeling sexually satisfied comes just as much from things like feeling listened to or experiencing affection, believe it or not.

People who aren't so easily turned on alone, but by a partner, real or imagined, often will fantasize before and during masturbation, like it sounds like you've done some of. You say you feel uncomfortable when you try masturbation: can you say more of why you think you feel that way?

Btw, it also sounds like, in your other thread, you don't have much privacy for being sexual with your boyfriend. Is the same true when it comes to time and space for masturbation?

[littlebirdie]

I meant that I feel uncomfortable when I’m aroused and can’t release it. I also don’t have much privacy for masturbation because I live with five other family members. I do have my own bathroom, but I’m always afraid of being walked in on, or someone knocking on the door.

[Robin]

Being worried about someone walking in on you or knocking on the door can definitely put a damper on arousal. It's hard for most people to relax and concentrate on themselves when they're keeping an ear or eye out for interruptions. That goes for all sorts of experiences - eating, sleeping, that sort of thing - but especially sexual exploration.

This doesn't mean you can't keep on exploring and figuring out what you like; just know that not being able to relax and fully focus on yourself can affect the experience.


I'm not quite sure I understand what you are saying you can't release. Are you talking about the feeling of arousal?



When you say you get uncomfortable when you're aroused, how long does that feeling of discomfort usually last?