Why do I miss my abusive ex

[rosesroses]

It’s been 3 days since I have been able to finally leave my emotionally abusive relationship. For the first day I was fine; I had already mentally prepared myself to leave. Although, now, these past two days have been miserable. I miss him so much and I can’t understand why. I gave in and texted him last night but since then there hasn’t been any communication. I should be happy I was finally able to leave such a horrible relationship after many failed times.
I loved him and I still do, and I know he must have loved me. I just don’t seem to understand why now he wants to change and be extremely loving, when the past two weeks he treated me like garbage, and disrespected me to the point I cried every night. I know I did the right thing to leave before it got worse, but there’s still a huge part of me that thinks maybe this time he means it when he says he’ll change. Maybe this time it will be different. But I’m smart enough to know that that’s not the case. From what I’ve learned, abusive people will do this In order to still have control over you. That’s one reason why I know not to fall for it like all the other times.
The hardest part about leaving is the fact that I still care about him. Knowing he’s suffering as much as I am makes me want to text him and confort him, and I’m not sure how I’ve been able to avoid caving into him. I wish I didn’t care and I wish I didn’t still miss him. I want to one day be able to marry him and have a future with him, because aside from him being emotionally abusive, he was amazing. But I know this wouldn’t be possible and I should focus on maturing and healing instead of dwelling on this failed relationship. I already feel like I’ve been annoying my friends with my feelings, so I feel like this would help me express my feelings and also get good input from other people.

[Jacob]

Hi rosesroses!

First off, good job on sticking with your willpower as much as you have!

I think one of the ironic things about abusive relationships is that we can totally miss being in them even when we know they were unhealthy. In fact some of my best most respectful relationships were the easiest to leave when the time came. I think that's because there is no 'unfinished business'. Like how in mythology ghosts stick around when there is unresolved trauma.

It sounds like your ex is manufacturing the same redemption narrative that makes his betterment dependent on you (or planted that seed when you were together).

The truth is that because you were in an abusive relationship, now is when you are both better off. As you establish the rest of your life without him the benefits get clearer and clearer.

That said I think pangs of nostalgia are fine if you recognise that's what they are, as you are doing here. It sounds like you are doing this really well!