Sexual fulfilment

[Bluenikuli]

I am a seventeen year old boy.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling very sexually fulfilled when mastrubating. I only really masturbate because I make myself and I like the feeling but I never get horny and need to madturbate (which is usually when it is the best). I want to explore my body more but I feel like I am limited be why is around me. I have experimented with the mirror, anal, women’s clothing, porn, and (since I am very felxible) even different positions like spreading legs. I have gone to gret length to fill this void but i feel like it always falls flat. Doing things like mastrubating with women’s clothing and stuff were kind of exciting at the start but now it’s like not even worth it. And I am straight so i am kind of desperate to go to such lengths. Do you have any ideas to help this??? I love that feeling of really being into it but just the act of it doesn’t get me going anymore. The next step is to just have sex but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet :/

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards!

I disagree that sex with a partner is a "next step" after masturbation, especially if masturbation isn't exciting enough, or when it feels ho-hum and your main goal is to make sex exciting again. There is SO much more involved with sex with someone else -- very much including a whole other person's feelings, wants and needs -- than with masturbation. They're just ultimately very different things, you know?

If you're dissatisfied with your masturbation, the answer isn't sex with someone else, because that's not masturbation anymore. If you're dissatisfied with your masturbation, you want to evaluate your masturbation and work on that, if you follow me.

You say you "make" yourself masturbate rather than actually wanting to do it. Can you tell me a little about that? Why do you do that? If you don't feel a real desire to masturbate, why not just skip masturbating and do things in your life you DO have a strong desire to do, where you don't have to make yourself do a thing?

[Bluenikuli]

When I say “make myself” I mean that I want to mastrubate but I’m not necessarily horny... like so watch prom or do what I have to do to get a hard on. And it works but it’s never as fulfilling as it used to be when I was just starting to explore my body and how I could experiment with sexual pleasure. Now I feel like I have experimented with everything and I struggling to find ways of changing it up. Does that make more sense?

[Heather]

Okay, but why do you think you do that? In other words, if you're not feeling it in the first place, why not just do something else instead of masturbating when you don't actually feel desire right now?

It's really common for sexual desire to be something that's here in a big way in some times of life, but not so much, or even not at all, at others, and when that happens, no one needs to make themselves be sexual, just like no one needs to make themselves play board games if they're not into it. Know what I mean?

[Bluenikuli]

Yeah, I understand what you mean but I want to because it feels good. And it isn’t that the mastrubation is bad.

Like I get Boners a lot but when I go and masteubate it just is never as good as it used to. My main problem is trying to make it new and exciting again. Like I mentally get excited because I think the things that used to get me going are still hot mentally but my dick doesn’t get as hard as it used to.

[Mo]

Taking a break and not forcing yourself to masturbate when you aren't really strongly feeling it might be a way to help things feel exciting and pleasurable when you do get back to it. Even when you do have erections, you never have to act on that physical reaction by masturbating; they'll go away eventually even if you don't masturbate. It might be useful to decide, for some amount of time, to only masturbate when you're feeling really strong arousal, even if that doesn't happen particularly often, to see if that changes how it feels.

[Bluenikuli]

Yeah... I mean I really don’t mastrubate THAT often in general. Do you think there are other things I could explore? Besides me also taking a bit of a break?

[Mo]

If there are things like different ways to touch yourself while masturbating, fantasies you haven't fully explored, etc. that you are interested in, you can certainly try those out. We can't really give specifics, since what will be sexually exciting varies so much from person to person, but any sort of exploration or experimentation you can add to your masturbation might make things feel different or more arousing.

[Bluenikuli]

Yeah my problem is that I feel like I have experimented with as much as I can. Like I don’t know what else I should when it come to exploration. Like how far can I take it???

[Heather]

It really might be that the answer here is just to give yourself a break, including from what sounds like novelty-seeking that's bordering on desperation. When sexual exploration feels more like a desperate search to fix a problem than like a joyful, no-pressure exploration of your sexuality, your body and just what seems interesting, you're unlikely to enjoy yourself, but you ARE likely to really kind of sour the whole thing, you know?

Personally, my best advice would be to just let up. The next time you masturbate? make it be only when you really, truly feel sexually excited and a desire to do it. Then what you might want to do is try going back to super-basics, including not just focusing on your genitals, but your whole body.

In the meantime, it might also help to think about your sexuality and how you explore it as something that's less about getting back a feeling that might have had a lot to do with everything being new, and more about it being richer than that, about a deeper kind of satisfaction that just being excited. It might be that some of what's going on here is just you maturing into it, and needing to start thinking about and approaching it in some new ways. I know it might sound cheesy, but while you're not masturbating, one thing you might do is to journal about your sexuality some: it could be you find some things out in a different way than you thought, and that it has nothing to do with "how far" you can experiment. Does that make sense?

[Bluenikuli]

Can you talk about what you mean with “going back to the super basics”?

I’m kinda confused about the journaling thing... like start journaling about what? Do you mean to observe the way I feel about men and women and write it down? When you say sexuality do you mean like gay, straight, bi and other things?

What do you mean by maturing into it? Sorry I’m asking so much...

[Heather]

No worries, questions are what we're here for!

What I mean when I say back to basics is maybe to try going back to masturbating like you probably did at the very start, perhaps even before you remember. Even little kids masturbate, we just don't usually remember it. But think super-simple: think about just touching your body -- and not just your genitals -- in ways that feel good, that feel soothing, but also just feel satisfying in a basic way, almost like scratching an itch. Maybe that won't feel like the most exciting thing ever, not in the way like, say, using porn or crossdressing with masturbation might have felt exciting, where things might have felt exciting because you felt like you weren't supposed to be doing them or like they were taboo.

But it might be that's what's happened here is that you've been going about this in a way where you're chasing thrills, and for sure, there's always a ceiling to that. What you might find helpful -- and possible -- is kind of resetting your body and mind to respond to less thrill-like stimulus, and more mellow fare. Skip things like using porn or props or mirrors. Just try working with your hands and your imagination. Maybe think of masturbation like something you get a lot of pleasure from, but doesn't spin your head, like say, a long hot shower, a good massage, an amazing meal. Does that make any more sense?

In terms of journaling about sexuality, I meant the whole of your sexuality, not just sexual orientation, which is only a part. Here's some more on that: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?. That could include journaling about what things have felt good to you in the past, what feels satisfying, what gets you excited in the first place, what has you feeling -- from the sounds of things -- a bit stressed and worried about how things have been.

In terms of talking about maturing into it, I mean that sometimes how we can be in our sexualities at first is that it's all or mostly about thrill-seeking, and about the kind of high-intensity excitement that can be way more common when it's all brand new to us, when it feels like a whirlwind. As we grow, that can tend to change, and we can get to deeper, richer places with our sexualities and the sex we have (including masturbation alone), where we might start doing different things than we might have done when younger, like like holding off longer before being sexual, or taking more time with the rest of our bodies instead of just on only focusing on our genitals, or really going deep into our fantasies or taking a longer time with sex instead of shorter.

We can't expect sex and sexuality to feel the same in a whole lifetime: it's just not going to. So, trying to chase how it felt at one time of life in another? That isn't generally going to be successful. What we want to do more of is to try and figure out where we are right now at any given time of life, and what feels like the kind of sexual expressions of where we are in the present. I know that maybe sounds a little hokey, but can you follow that?

[Bluenikuli]

Everything is starting to make sense!!! Thank you!!

I understand a little bit in what I have to journal about. Actually, I had a weird dream I was wondering you could help me understand and also if it is something to journal about. I was standing naked with a guy and a girl. The guy is a kid I know who is gay. He asks me if I wanted to go and snuggle with him and I was like “no I’m not ready”. I also remember laying naked in bed with him and getting a boner. He felt it and turned around lustfuly and I was kinda like “idk if I like this??”. But I was kinda turned on? So I’m confused.


Lastly, if sexuality is much more than a label for you orientation, how do I determine my sexuality? Like does that mean there is no name for what MY sexuality is?

[Bluenikuli]

Also, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[Heather]

Aw, thanks. Right back at you.

Before I say more, we’re you able to read that link about what sexuality is? Doesn’t sound like it, and it does answer what you’re asking. I wrote that one, too, so you are still getting an answer from me. Why don’t you read through it, then we can talk more?

[Bluenikuli]

I actually did read it through. I learned that sexuality is more than just your sexual orientation. It’s about the chemistry of your body, the way you sexually react to things and more. I basically got that it covers a lot more. I didn’t see the part that said how to distinguish my personal sexuality.... where does it talk about that???

[Bluenikuli]

I’m an idiot. I found it. Lol It talk about basically that my sexuality is whatever I want it to be. Whatever I feel like describes me. But I guess I still can figure out what I like because I’ve never tired any of it. I never dated anyone. I had 3 girlfriends from the ages of 3 to

[Bluenikuli]

I’m an idiot. I found it. Lol It talk about basically that my sexuality is whatever I want it to be. Whatever I feel like describes me. But I guess I still can figure out what I like because I’ve never tired any of it. I never dated anyone. I had 3 girlfriends from the 1st grade to 6th. Lol. But those weren’t anything big. It was just kid stuff. It’s not like I haven’t had the opportunity either. Two of my best friends told me they liked me in high school and I just decided I wasn’t up for dating right now because of pre-cal and the intense college application process theatre student have to go through.

[Mo]

It's something you'll really wind up understanding over time, more than anything else. This can be where journaling is helpful; you can keep track of sexual thoughts you have, or how you feel about different aspects of sex or sexuality, and see if there are patterns that emerge or things that shift over time. When it comes to understanding your own sexuality, even if things feel confusing you are going to be the person who understands yourself the best, if that makes sense.
This is only related to the sexual orientation part of understanding your sexuality, but I talked to a bunch of people this past year about how they came to understand their own orientation and I collected those stories together, linked to from here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexua ... rs_for_now in case reading about how other folks think about and understand this part of their identity helps you any.

[Bluenikuli]

Thanks! I read through some of them and they were quite insightful! I basically learned that is something that I will just get the hang of with time and experience.... which sucks... lol.

I have a question about something that heather said. "What I mean when I say back to basics is maybe to try going back to masturbating like you probably did at the very start, perhaps even before you remember. Even little kids masturbate, we just don't usually remember it. But think super-simple: think about just touching your body -- and not just your genitals -- in ways that feel good"

When it comes masturbating like I did at the very start, I really only focused on my genitals. can you give an example of how not to only focus on my genitals? this seems so awkward to talk about sometimes

[Heather]

It's okay, we're awkward-things here 24/7.

Ultimately, it might help to think of masturbation as being self-pleasure, and self-pleasure that's about your whole body. If you never experimented with touching yourself in places besides your genitals before with masturbation, maybe the way to start for you now is just to think about what parts of your body give you pleasure: in terms of touch, or how parts of you look or small, etc. Then think about how you have touched your genitals: you likely experimented with a whole bunch of things when you first started masturbating to work out what really felt good. You can engage in that same process with other body parts.

You might also think about doing things that are kind of a full-immersion for your whole body that feels good like a hot bath, or a long, intense session of exercise, or even something that often isn't seen as sexual like cooking a meal, for example. Often when sex feels limited it's because the person feeling that way is limiting it to just genitals, or to just the things they have heard are or are supposed to be sexual. But in reality, our WHOLE bodies can be potential sources of pleasure (our mouths and fingertips and feet have about as many sensitive nerve endings as our genitals, just to give you an idea about how silly this idea sex or physical pleasure = genitals-only is), and a very wide range of activities can be sensual and/or sexual. Sometimes expanding your sexual horizons can involve figuring out ways to blend other parts of your life and your body and all you do with them into your sexual life. For example, someone who is super into yoga might find that excellent "foreplay" for their masturbation, or a way to start it, is a long whole-body yoga session that they then move into genital masturbation after.

Making more sense?

[Bluenikuli]

Actually, the yoga example makes a lot of sense!

Lastly, where could I journal without the risk of my parents finding out?

[Heather]

You can do it on paper, in a place you keep private? (We've long had a journaling app in the works, I'm sorry I can't offer it to you yet!)

[Bluenikuli]

REALLY???? aw man that would be great. I hope that app comes to fruition. Wouldn't it be even more obvious that you are journaling about sexuality since it would be like a "scarlet teen" note book?

[Heather]

That’s certainly something we’ve talked about - making sure it’s something that can hide in plain sight, but also being sure it can be passworded.