Scarleteen

Tomorrow afternoon I have to go for my annual physical at my doctors office. Since I'm still under 18, I go to a pediatrician. Usually my brother and I have the same doctor, we just leave the room when they need to talk to us about or do certain private things, but tomorrow they're giving us each our own doctors. Now that itself isn't really a big deal to me as I always found it a bit weird that we had the same doctor, but what worries me is that I'm getting up to (technically passed) the recommended age where girls are told to go to the "female doctor" for the first time. I'm already terrified of going to the doctor/dentist because I am incredibly uncomfortable with people I don't really know touching me, but when talking about the stuff 'down there' I get 10,000 times worse. Nothing has been said yet but since I'm between the ages of 15-17 (I don't really want to say what my specific age is) and I have issues with my period during certain cycles, I'm really really scared they're going to make me go to one. It's not that I'm scared that anything is going to hurt, it's more that I'm just a really awkward and insecure person who's not cool with physical contact with people I'm not close with.

I've read a bunch of articles on what happens on your first visit to a "female doctor" so I kinda have an idea of what will happen if I'm made to go. I'm scared that the doctor will want to look 'down there' or, even worse, do an internal exam on me if I tell them about what goes on in my body. I'm not scared that it's going to hurt or anything like that, and I've never been sexually active so I'm not scared of being diagnosed with any sort of infections. It's just the idea of any examinations happening makes me fell really really sick and like I'm going to start crying.

Is there a way to get out of going if they tell me to? Is there a law that could prevent my mom from forcing me to go if they say anything? Or if they tell me to go and there's no way out, does anyone have any advice on how I could try to calm myself down?

(sorry if this was a bit all over the place, I'm just really anxious about this whole situation)

Hi there tiniestghost, and welcome to Scarleteen!

First of all, it's totally okay for you to feel the way that you do. We aren't born with an inherent ability to trust strangers and feel okay with them touching or looking at our bodies. Getting prodded or poked at by a stranger in a coat is not most people's idea of fun, but we learn to do it when it's necessary (much like paying taxes, doing dishes, getting vaccinated, etc).

Secondly - I don't think that going to your own doctor necessarily means that you're automatically going to start going to a gynecologist or getting sexual/reproductive healthcare. For people with vulvas and vaginas, gynecological care usually doesn't start until they've become sexually active (and therefore might be at risk for STIs or developing cervical cancer), or because there's something that they're concerned about relating to reproductive or sexual health. If you've mentioned to your pediatrician that you're looking for specialty care relating to your issues with your period, they might refer you to a gynecologist, but it might not be automatic.
(Also, you're welcome to talk about the period issues that you've been having here as well! While we're not healthcare professionals, we might be able to answer questions or guide you to resources!)

But the good news is that you don't have to do anything that you don't like to do. They can suggest that you see a gynecologist, or that you get a pelvic exam, but you can say, "I'm not ready for that yet", or outright refuse. In Your First Gynecologist Visit, our founder Heather talks to another one of our users in more detail about what you might expect, and what your rights are as a patient. Since you're under 18, technically your provider needs your parent/guardian's consent in order to do any procedures - from what you've said it seems like your mom might try to 'force' you to go if they recommend it. Is that true? Have you talked to her at all about the changes in care that you've seen, and what it means for your treatment in the future? Has anything else like this come up before (where your mom tries to force you to do something you don't want to, especially as it relates to your body?)

Right now and during/after the appointment tomorrow, is there anything that you can do to take extra good care of your mind and body? Things like deep breathing, drinking tea or water or eating something you like, etc.? (Self-Care A-La-Carte has some really great suggestions!)

Of course, we'll be here on our boards if anything comes up beforehand or if you'd like to check in, and certainly afterwards if you want to process things. I have to log off for tonight, but I'll check back in the morning if you'd like to respond. I hope that everything goes smoothly for you tomorrow!

Yeah, I know that it doesn't automatically mean I have to go haha, I just tend to expect the worse case scenarios with most things (something I'm working on changing). The worst option this time is I might have to go. I'm just worried because I know that my doctor is going to ask about my cycle and things like that, and I'm scared that if I answer honestly, which I know I should do, they're going to be concerned enough to recommend I go to one. And yes my mom has forced me to do things I really didn't want to do before but they were (with a few exceptions outside of the medical area) all out of love. I've mentioned my symptoms to her before and even she's said maybe I should go. Knowing her she'll probably try to convince me to go no matter how much I protest or explain to her how I feel about that because she'll believe she's helping me. But thank you for linking those articles, I found them very helpful. I'm going to take the advice in the second one and listen to music on the way there to try to calm myself down. Thanks for replying so quickly

I have an extra suggestion to put in here:

I'd suggest that the next time you are at ANY doctor, before you have an exam of any kind, you ask if you can talk privately to a nurse. If your Mom is there and you think that'll create big issues, you can literally whisper it to the receptionist. Or, ask them to go to the bathroom, then stop a nurse in the hall.

Then I'd suggest you tell them these concerns, in brief: you want to be honest with your doctor, but your mother doesn't respect your boundaries with medical care, and you are worried some information will result in a GYN visit you don't feel ready to handle because you're working out some anxiety around it. Nurses really are so much of the people-helping parts of any healthcare office or service. They also usually get this stuff and care a lot about patient rights. They can likely help you find a way to be honest (and to have privacy in your exam room without your mothers, a thing I'd also ask them to help with) and help you advocate for yourself. If you ask for help managing anxiety about the visit that day, they can likely help with that, too.