Progressive parent who still has many questions...

[narod-sobe]

Hi there,
My daughter (now 14) took an Our Whole Lives course and I can't recommend it more highly if there are any parents out there (and teens, if you have access to it--it's wonderful). At the culmination of the two-month-plus course, all participants received your book, Heather, and I've already filled out the section in the back with personal resources and so forth. Okay. So what I cannot yet figure out, but I know that I would have appreciated knowing more about (so I was able to take more control over my own sexuality, and not have so much risk), is: should I prepare and make safer sex kits for my daughter and friends, and make them available? (I live in a place that promotes abstinence-only and there is no Planned Parenthood in the *entire county*. I worry. A lot.)

Also, this is more sensitive, and I think I may know the answer. But I would appreciate your guidance. Knowing that I didn't have control over my sexuality when a teen/twenty, and learning more later, I realize that if I had a sex toy like a vibrator earlier rather than later, I probably would have taken far fewer risks than I did (and I wasn't crazy by any stretch of the imagination). Is it weird for me to think about quietly giving my daughter one, say, when she is 16? I thought initially that maybe it would be good for going off to college, but I'm second-guessing.

She now has her first boyfriend (following her first girlfriend earlier in the fall) and I don't want her to have gone through this empowering course without any real backup or support in her own life to help support her passage through college and beyond. When is the right time and when is it simply too early?

Thank you! Tb

[Siân]

Hi narod-sobe,

Welcome to Scareleteen

It is so wonderful to hear that you are putting in the effort to support and empower your daughter! I am totally behind the safer sex kits, or a drawer or cupboard somewhere in your house with some supplies that your daughter and her friends can help themselves to.

If you're looking for a shopping list, then our Scarleteen Confidential section has articles for the adults in young people's lives, including one on exactly this: The safer sex drawer. Take a look through some of the others while you're at it! Is there anything that jumps out at you?

I hear you trying to figure out how to continue giving your daughter backup and support after this course, have you spoken about any of it together since? One reason I ask is because the person best placed to know if a toy would be a good gift is your daughter; if you're having these conversations already, maybe at some point you can offer your credit card and an agreed budget so she can choose something for herself online, in a way that balances your care and generosity with privacy. What do you think?

[Heather]

I'm cosigning all of Siân's suggestions, but just wanted to poke my nose in to give you a high-five. I'm so happy to hear about filling that section in, small as it sounds. I feel like it really personalizes things, and you always have to figure a book like this is going to get passed around with friends, some of whom may not have people in their lives who share resources with them, so it really can be a godsend.

I also think that the conversation about the sex toy -- if you're looking for input on that -- could be exactly what you said here. I agree, access to tools that help a young person learn to please themselves really can be much bigger than just feeling physically good. I think sharing that why you're asking if she wants funds for that is because you think it would have helped with your sexual agency is also a really good conversation starter for even bigger and deeper conversations.

[narod-sobe]

Thank you both! That's a great idea. And lest you think that I'm *that* progressive--we talk *around* things mostly. Hopefully she knows I'm about as open as any parent, and she knows that a friend of the family is also progressive so we have those kinds of backups--for which I am very grateful. I'll do my best about broaching the subject and probably will get a prepaid card that she can use if she wants to do that.

The drawer idea is actually the way I handled when she got her first period--I just load up at Target and fill the spare bathroom cabinet with supplies, including, of course, chocolate--so I was thinking that I'd handle the safer sex kits in a similar way. I ordered through your Lucky B site (thank you for that resource! So many websites are...intimidating and creepy. Not to mention messing *hugely* with your Amazon algorithm.) and I'll go load up on others. I did also (in case there are parents out there who are in a similar boat) order a 3-pack of generic Plan B and I'm not going to put that in a publicly accessible spot, but I will put a note there in case it is needed. (I did learn that at the afterpill.com site you can get a 3-pack for $60, which is not that much more than one dose OTC, and the expiration date is guaranteed to be at least a couple years out. I think my order is guaranteed to be ok through 2/2021 which would be her junior year.)

About the resource in the back of the book, which I agree is a very helpful thing. I actually printed out two copies and stuck the pages in there, in case some info changes, but also so that she could give copies to friends in need. (I also provided her with a scanned copy of her health insurance card. American kids will need that or be way out of pocket, expense wise, if they try to go to a health provider without it.)

Thank you both! And thank you for Scarleteen! Tb

[Heather]

Thanks for those extras!

You know, I'm not really on board with the idea that talking the most about the most things automatically = "most" progressive, or even a parent necessarily doing a better job at this than another.

I think that doing this well has a lot to do with finding the ways to do it that feel like the best fit for your unique family and its dynamics, and the unique people involved and how they usually do things, and find doing things together works best.

Unless your daughter has said that something about your approach -- which sounds great to me, especially as someone who knows very well that sometimes people who can talk to their parents about this stuff still often pick other adults, like myself, as a preference -- I don't see any reason to assume that it's not as good as another. If she has said she wants to talk more directly with you, then for sure, you'll want to see if you can work on that. But if it isn't broken...