Scarleteen

So me and my friend just tried to have sex for the first time today and it didn't work out the way that we wanted it to. I don't know why because I wanted to have sex. I trusted him. I was too tight and no matter which way we tried nothing worked. I want to try again with him but I don't know how to make it any easier. I hope someone can help.

Hi there, and welcome to Scarleteen.
I'm sorry to hear that sex didn't work out how you were hoping! (It sounds like when you say "sex" here you're specifically talking about intercourse, so my suggestions are based on that; please do correct me if I'm wrong.)
If you're feeling "tight" when attempting intercourse, it can be helpful to make sure you're already feeling relaxed and aroused, as well as using plenty of a good water-based lubricant. We have an article that might be helpful in troubleshooting a bit; it's focused on painful intercourse but is helpful for "we couldn't quite get it to work at all" intercourse as well: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse.

thank you for replying so quickly. I also have one more question. Me and my fwb did alot of fingering for a long period of time and now im really sore. it hurts when i pee and it looks swollen. is that normal or is there anything that i can do to make it stop hurting or does it just need time to heal

Hi there,

If it hurts - especially if it's a burny feeling - when you pee then that can be a sign of a urinary tract infection (UTI). These usually clear up on their own after a couple of days but if it doesn't then speak to your healthcare provider - is that something you have access to?

You can reduce the risks of getting them in future by making sure you pee after any kind of sex - including fingering. Does that help?

A little bit. I really hope that it isn't a UTI because that would be kind of embarraising trying to explain to my parents. This pain has happened before from the same thing it just hurts more this time. We were going at it for awhile and I think that is a big factor. I'm also a virgin and he knows that so I think I'm more sensitive anyways. Sorry if this was too much information but I really like the anonymous factor of this website. Thank you

If you've noticed this happening more than once after fingering, then it's definitely a possibility that it's a result of that. If you were doing it for awhile, or more forcefully/vigorously this last time, that could make you feel more sore than usual. It's also possible that you got a small cut or tear, either from fingering (if your partner wasn't wearing gloves, he could have caught you with a fingernail) or from when you two were trying to have vaginal intercourse. If you notice the pain isn't going away or is getting worse, then checking in with a healthcare provider is still the way to go (if it helps to know, UTIs can come from things other than sex, so if you did have one and told your parents about it, that wouldn't automatically mean revealing the fact that you're sexually active. You can read more about that here: Out, Out Damn UTI! )

Can you give me a sense of whether you and your friend are using lube when you try different sexual acts? Did you notice other possible explanations for the difficulty you were having in the article Mo linked you to that jumped out at you? Too, it may help to know that you're being a virgin (which can have a lot of different meanings, but here it sounds like you mean you haven't had vaginal intercourse), is unlikely to be the cause of the pain of tension that was making vaginal intercourse difficult. People can experience pain or difficulty with intercourse whether it's the first or the fifty-first time they've done it. Does that make sense?

no we weren't using lube I suppose that might make things a little bit easier and hopefully less painful. As to the article that Mo sent I still believe that the difficulty was due to the fact that I am a virgin and I'm tight. I just have to work towards actually vaginal sex. Maybe this pain is a good thing. I don't really know anymore honestly.

Lubricant usually makes things not just easier, but makes things that feel good usually feel even better. That fingering, for instance, wouldn't likely have left you feeling like this (and more susceptible to infections, too: if we get rubbed raw, it can create teeny abrasions or microtears that provide great vectors for infections)

There's really no such thing as being "tight" in a static way, and having had vaginal sex before -- or then having sex -- doesn't usually change that. However, there certainly IS finding that you have to learn how to relax more first (and maybe find out more of what gets you aroused more, too), and that can be something people need more time with: if you and your partner are new to each other AND you are new to sex, it sounds like y'all might be moving considerably faster than you're actually ready for.

Before you have another go with anything with vaginal entry again, why not take some more time with outercourse-things first? That also gives you time to do things like get yourself some lube, talking and experimenting to find out what you need to feel both more excited and more relaxed, and maybe also develop some communication skills so that you can more easily tell a partner, for instance, that they are maybe doing something for longer than actually is working for you. <3

What do you think?

i think it sounds like something that is definitely worth trying. thank you

Of course. You feel able to talk about/ask for that with this guy?

yeah i think so. i just hope he doesnt think im weird or something.

I will say that, if a partner thinks you're weird for wanting to talk frankly about sex and what you need/want, they may not yet be in a place where they're actually ready to be sexual. After all, communication is a major part of sex being enjoyable for everyone. But, he could also be totally cool about it! Do you usually find it pretty easy to talk to him, even about things that are a bit personal or feel awkward? And what was your communication like the last times you two were sexual together?

the communication was really good actually. he was a compete gentleman and he put my needs before his and always gave me an option on what to do and how to do things and how far to go. i feel like the next time i am with him (hopefully today) i can actually talk to him face to face about all of this because I know that he doesn't want to hurt me and I see that bc ive been with bad guys before and hes not one of them. I want this to work and i think that he does too.

That's really good to hear! In case you think it would help you out, this article has some great tools for having these kinds of conversations with a partner: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Is there anything else, either about this situation of something else, that you'd like support or information on right now?