Scarleteen

Is it bad that I can only masturbate to porn? I feel like every time I try without having a visual it never works out ... I don’t get aroused even if I’m trying to picture something sexual. I don’t have really any sexual experience other than making out and heavy petting but that was only once and the memories aren’t too vivid. Once I have sex then will I be able to masturabte without porn?

So, sexuality is something that is lifelong, and that often has a lot of twists and turns, changes and shifts through life, many of them super unpredictable because sexuality is so influenced by the rest of life. We can't know what's coming in the rest of your whole life or how that will impact or influence you, including your sexuality, including masturbation.

What you're asking is really a matter of opinion. Some people are perfectly satisfied and feel totally okay about always using and feeling they need porn for arousal or any other part of sex or masturbation. Other people feel differently, and for a bunch of different reasons.

How do you feel about it? Does it trouble you or is that something you'd like to try and change? Or not?

It doesn’t really trouble me per say but I do kind of feel “guilty” because a lot of porn is pretty demeaning to women and I have a hard time finding porn that is at least semi-realistic (showing them giving consent, using lube and condoms etc.) and not condescending or misogynistic. I feel like a lot of the pornographic content I come across is usually made with the male gaze and then I feel as if I’m “contributing to the patriarchy” by watching it. Does that make any sense at all?

Hi roxfoxreal,

Yep, that makes sense! Those are pretty common concerns people express over consuming porn, and you're right that a lot of porn is designed to be unrealistic in one way or another. Ultimately, you get to decide how you feel about that and how those feelings influence whether or not you watch porn ( I really like the way Heather describes that process in this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... xual_media ). Too, you could also explore your options in terms of finding porn that is trying to counter some of the negative aspects of more "mainstream" forms of porn. Is that something you've tried already?

Thank you for sending me that article I really enjoyed reading it! I have tried but a lot of them you have to pay for (which I completely understand as you want to ensure everyone gets fair wages) but as of right now I don’t have money to spend and am also really hesitant about placing a subscription to a porn site on my bills. I’m not necessarily ashamed but it’s something I’d rather keep private. I have encountered some success and I think I’ll just keep looking. Thanks again for all your help!

So, I do think one of the political issues at hand is that, for sure, free porn is usually less ethical porn because a) it usually isn't feminist/ethical porn per its content, but also b) it usually means workers aren't getting paid the way they should be.

So, one thing you might be able to think about doing for yourself in the future so you can feel better about your porn use (and be a more ethical consumer, which is always a good thing, no matter what's being consumed), is to think about saving up so soon you can pick a site where you pay. If you can't do it now, you can't. But you can make it a future goal and aim to meet it, you know? Most of the time it is not going to show up as anything identifiable as porn on your bills, btw.

Thank you for your response! That really puts my mind at ease with regards to the bills. I think once I move out and start making money I will start saving up to support the feminist, ethical pornography businesses