Parental Abuse Leading to Harmful Self-Hate

[Herstory]

My parents would beat me when they asked if I was having sex. I would get hit so many times because my parents didn’t want me having sex. They would constantly interrogate me about my sexual practices. “Are you having sex? Tell us the truth! I know you’re having sex. Look at me!” So to not feel guilty when I told them about what I was doing with my partners, I did everything but have vaginal intercourse because I thought it was the loophole, but now it f**ked me up so much because I don’t value the sex I have with women, I don’t value the rape I went through, and I don’t value my true feelings towards intercourse because I internalized this thinking because of the abuse. It makes me feel worthless because I wish I had intercourse in high school because it would have made my loss of virginity enough. I wish my ex boyfriend would have raped me through vaginal intercourse because then it would have made my rape enough. I wish that I didn't like women so that the way I had sex with them was enough. I wish I liked intercourse because then it would make my pleasure enough. But I’m not enough. I don't feel enough. Not for my parents. Not for society. Not for anyone and I just feel so worthless and alone. I don't know what to do. I feel so empty and lifeless all the time. I feel like things will never get better for me and I'll be in this cycle for the rest of my life. I just want it to end.

[Herstory]

Everyone in my life has made it clear to me that vaginal intercourse is the ultimate and only form of sex. I feel like I just wasn't worthy enough to have been raped in the right way. I feel like such a piece of sh*t for not liking intercourse. I feel like something is so so wrong with me because I surround myself with people who constantly bring me down and constantly assert this harmful thinking in me and I feel so alone. I feel like I'm the only one in the world who doesn't think intercourse is everything. Why can't I just be normal?

[Mo]

Just so you know, there are many people out there who either dislike intercourse or feel neutral about it. It isn't just you who feels this way, it doesn't mean you're abnormal, and it doesn't mean that your non-intercourse sexual history has been less important or that the rape you experienced wasn't a "real" rape. None of these things have to include intercourse for them to count, and I'm sorry to hear that the messaging you've received around sex, and what counts as sex, has made it hard to internalize that fact.

There's this really pervasive cultural narrative about intercourse being Real Sex, but (as you state here) that narrative is not just untrue, but actively damaging to a lot of people, and I'm sorry that it's been so harmful to you. We can certainly talk a bit more about how this is making you feel but I want to emphasize that there is a huge wonderful spectrum of sex that exists beyond/without intercourse, and that your sex life is just as valid if it doesn't include intercourse at all. Have you been able to access any counseling for dealing with the abuse or sexual assault you've experienced, and if so have you been able to talk about your feelings around sex & intercourse at all?

[Herstory]

I went to a victim empowerment program 2 years ago that helped me deal with some of my abuse, but not all of it. And I still live with my parents because I can’t afford to pay for college and live at a dorm and my parents wouldn’t support me financially whatsoever if I moved out, so I’d probably end up in the streets. And they still abuse me and blame me for feeling the way I do. It’s all in my head apparently.

After coming out, I had other relationship abuse to deal with as I had a partner who was unforgivingly homophobic and just awful to me. And I started realizing I was sexually assaulted more than once by more than one man, all in the same way: forcing outercourse acts on me. I was repressing some of the abuse because I didn’t want to believe it was true, but also because I didn’t think it was anything since they never penetrated me. I tried looking for counseling to deal with this, especially since I got back into the relationship with the homophobic guy, and the therapists I had just discredited my sexuality and sexual preferences. They told me since they were heterosexual they couldn’t really help me or tell me what to think. They also said I was traumatized by intercourse and that I was too immature to like it, and that’s why I never orgasm through it or enjoy it. That I just need to get over my noniexistent trauma. And when I told them about my sexual assaults, they didn’t take me seriously and didn’t think it was a big deal because to them it wasn’t real rape.

Six therapists later and I finally found someone who was LGBT specific but he didn’t have the schedule to offer me services until now. So it’s really only now that I’ve been able to go to therapy for these things and we’re doing exposure therapy, but I feel like I’m never going to be okay.

[Herstory]

He’s honestly the first therapist I ever had who gets it because he’s LGBT too and he validates ne and makes me feel less alone and knows how heteronormative and sexist and heterosexist society can be.

[Mo]

The process of healing from abuse can take a while, for sure; it doesn't mean you'll never feel better, but it is a process that can take a while, especially when you're still in an abusive environment. Do you want to talk at all about making a plan, even a really long-term one, for getting out of your current living situation?

I'm so glad that you've finally found a therapist who understands your situation and who you get along well with! It's really horrible what those other therapists said - not liking intercourse has nothing to do with immaturity, and it's completely cruel and unethical for therapists to try to downplay trauma or sexual assault when someone discloses those experiences to them.
Hopefully you can continue to meet with this therapist and he continues to be a positive source of support in your life. It can mean a lot just to have someone validate your experience and commiserate about how rough it can be in a world that presumes/enforces heterosexuality. And of course if you want to talk more about any of these experiences we're always happy to listen & validate your feelings as well.

[Herstory]

Well, I’m soon to be graduating from college and I will be applying to get a into a PhD program in Cell Biology far, far away from Florida. So in a year or so, I won’t have to live with them anymore as PhD programs you to go to school and stay in the university I choose. But until then, I have to deal with it. But I feel so alone. Are there other places that are more accepting of sexualities and sexual preferences? I feel like Florida is this black hole of gross machismo, homophobia, and heterosexism, even racism. I don’t have friends here who see things the same way as me. Will I ever find people I can be friends with who don’t bring me down? Will I ever find someone I can date who will accept me for all i am and not try to erase my sexuality? Right now I feel so hopeless and like I won’t.

[Heather]

YES, other places offer WAY more en-large cultural acceptance than most of Florida. Many other places you could live are not as racist, as sexist, as homophobic, as heterocentric, as bro-ful as Florida, thank freaking goodness.

I know it's super hard to keep your eyes on the prize when you're feeling the way you are, but it looks like you have the opportunity very soon to choose somewhere else to live, and I can literally promise you that you are in for some wonderful surprises if you choose to go live in an area that....well, isn't like most of Florida. If you want help picking when you know what schools you're considering, I think enough of us have lived all over the place as queer people, as feminists, as people of color or white people who decry racism that we can help you out with that.

I don't suppose the school you're at now has anything insofar as queer student groups go?

[Herstory]

There is a good LGBT group in my campus, but a lot of them still have heteronormative ideals and thinking... I’ve only met a handful of people who deviate from that and are open minded. This thinking is even pervasive in those group because we were all raised in the same environment (I go to a mostly commuter school). So it feels like I’ll just never be able to find someone who thinks the way I do and loves me for all I am, much less someone I’m compatible with... I feel so alone and I’m not sure I can deal with it for another year and a half.

[Heather]

Okay, so how about leaning on those few people from that group and asking for some extra support right now? Sounds like you could use it. It also sounds like while in that group may not be the great love of your life, or necessarily anyone you want to date, but it does sound like you're saying there are, in fact, some people within your reach who think similarly to you and who do or can accept you for who you are. In other words, it sounds like you do not have to be alone, even there, for another year and a half. Being single -- in the event that's how things go for a bit -- and being alone aren't the same things, you know?

Can I ask what it means to you to not be sure you can deal with it for another year and a half?

[Herstory]

There's really only one person that truly thinks like me. And I feel so alone when I'm not with her because the rest just get me, but don't share my experiences nor my thoughts. I've also never met someone who had my experience where I was with a man for more than a year and NEVER had intercourse. Like not even once. And I feel like that was a waste of time, like the sex I had with him was nothing and not real. And the second boyfriend I had who sexually abused me, who would force sex on me everyday was not enough because he never penetrated me. I wish I just had it once. Just once. So it could have been valid. Or at least met someone who shared the same experience as me, who had a relationship with a man but never engaged in intercourse but DID have sex. I've never met anyone like that and I feel so alone.

And I can't take living in this environment anymore where I constantly get invalidated and feel so alone because everyone is having intercourse and everyone puts it in this high pedestal that I don't. I feel so worthless.

[Heather]

I actually am having a hard time with you saying you wanted what you are calling a "valid" rape. This is the second time you've brought that up, and I'm sorry, but I need to ask you to not.

I understand and recognize these are your feelings, but I just feel like that way of voicing them in a community space -- not in a private therapy space -- and one where many of us are sexual abuse and assault survivors of many types, is not really okay for everyone here. Again: I'm not saying your feelings are wrong or not okay, just that this environment is a problematic place to voice this that way, okay? I'd like to ask that that's something you think about bringing to therapy (and I think it'd be a good idea to do that) and not keep bringing here, in this space. I hope you can take that in the spirit intended, and also understand that we all just need to be much more careful in a space full of other survivors than we do in a very private space or when we're the only survivor. <3

I doubt everyone is having intercourse where you are, because there truly isn't anywhere on earth where that's happening. But. I do NOT doubt that you feel like that's true, because for sure -- especially when you are in this kind of headspace and struggling with the kinds of life history you are -- heteronormativity can feel ginormous and really effing overbearing. No one's worth is determined by having intercourse or not, but I also understand that's just not something you're feeling right now and that those words likely fall pretty flat for you.

When I asked what you meant by saying you didn't know if you could live with this, what I was trying to suss out is if that was a "I don't think I can stay and complete this degree here, I am going to have to move somewhere else," or if it was more about feeling like you would self-harm in some way, or having suicidal feelings.

[Herstory]

I apologize. I just want to know someone who’s had similar experiences as me, who also had long relationships with men without intercourse but I haven’t met anyone like me.

In terms of i can’t take it, yes I’m having suicidal thoughts, but also that I can’t stand the environment I’m in anymore. I know there’s the Trevor hotline. I’m also going to see my therapist tomorrow.

[Siân]

Hi Herstory,

I'm glad you've got a therapist you can see today. Have you spoken to them about your suicidal thoughts?

I'm sorry that you're going through this, and glad you know some of the resources you can turn to right now. We are not equipped to help in a mental health crisis, but we take this kind of thinking very seriously. If you feel ypu are in immediate danger, you can also go to your local hospital emergency department. What are you doing to take care of yourself right now?

[Herstory]

I have told him about it. I’m currently taking medication to alleviate symptoms, but maybe they’re just not giving me enough.

I’m trying to hang out with my one friend who understands me and trying to get support from her, but she’s not a professional so I just have to wait to see my therapist.

Even if I was on the verge of committing suicide, I wouldn’t want to go to the hospital here in Florida because of 1. The Baker Act and 2. How homophobic and harsh they are. My friend who understands me also had a suicidal break down a year ago and she was hospitalized for the same reason as me: not being able to accept her sexuality (she’s lesbian) and the rape she went through. The staff asked her what was wrong and when she told them they said “Are you serious? You’re here for that? People are on the verge of dying and you’re crying about something useless and wasting our time.” I kid you not. I had to go to the hospital to visit her because of how awful they treated her, like if her feelings weren’t valid and her depression wasn’t real. Not only that, but the patients there also were mistreating her and talking crap about her sexuality, saying she wasn’t having “real” sex and some even sexualized the fact that a he liked women. I know for a fact I couldn’t go to a hospital like that because if I were to go, I would just kill myself right after it. My friend was really strong for putting up with that... I feel like we live in a backwards society here. I feel so outcasted and shunned. I feel so stuck. So does she.

[Herstory]

Here in Florida, we queer people don’t have state protection against discrimination of any kind, so it’s not like we can even report it. Do the laws need to change? Yes. But it can’t because we have a senator and governor that doesn’t support or prioritize our rights and there’s not enough light being shed on these issues in Florida. Me and my friend are first hand living through them and it feels awful and we don’t know what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi Herstory,

I'm so sorry you and your friend are feeling so trapped, and I'm sorry that the discrimination at the hospital was so bad when she was there. I am glad however that you have someone you can talk to who you feel understands you and wants to support you in what you're dealing with right now.

Since we're not mental health professionals, the most responsible thing we can do right now is encourage you to keep utilizing the resources you do have to available to address these feelings. When you see your therapist, can you ask him about making a safety plan with you if you two haven't already had that discussion? That way you have another tool in place to keep you safe. You may also want to share what happened to your friend and how it's affecting your own ability to seek help; that helps him understand where you're coming from and, as someone who may be referring clients to that hospital, you may actually be giving him important information about the safety of that resource for some of his clients.