Was I sexually assaulted?

[evherstory]

Last year I became sexually active for the first time. I didn't know a lot about consent or communication (although in recent months I have been learning a lot more). We weren't really friends before and I really wanted to have a sexual experience as it seemed like most of the people around me had. We were at my house when my parents were away and we had started to take our clothes off. I wasn't very comfortable, but I also wasn't saying anything. Looking back I realize it was a huge mistake and I should have been more honest.

But once we had taken off our clothes we starting kiss again, which I was pretty okay with, and then he put his fingers inside me. He didn't ask for consent, there was no conversation before that, and I did not want him to do that. I remember lying there and thinking how much it hurt. He stopped pretty soon and I told him I didn't want to do anything else and we stopped.

I have been avoiding him since and trying to figure out if it was sexual assault. I know I should have said something sooner, but he also didn't ask me first and did not get my consent. I wasn't very upset about it at first, but when I learned that consent was required in that situation I started to think about it more and more. Especially since I knew he had a longterm girlfriend just a few months before and should have known about consent.

So my question is: was it sexual assault?

[al]

Hi evherstory, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Before I respond, I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I added some paragraph breaks to your post so that it would be a bit more accessible and easy to read.

Firstly, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Only you can define what happened to you, but what he did wasn't about what you wanted and didn't want, and it hurt you. He never should have gone forward without communicating with you about it first. You said that you weren't communicating much at the time, but it's always the responsibility of the person who wants to move into something different (from kissing to manual sex, in this case) to ask about it beforehand and see if their partner would like it to happen. (If you haven't read it already, Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent is a great piece that we have that talks through a lot of that stuff and why it's so important.)
A lot of us who have experienced something like this find ourselves looking back on our experiences and blaming ourselves for what happened, or wondering if there was something that we could have done to prevent it, but the truth is that there are a probably a hundred different moments where this guy could have stopped to check in with you, communicate with you, or see how you were doing, and he didn't.

You also mentioned at the beginning that you felt like you wanted to have a sexual experience because it seemed like everyone else had. Can you say more about that? Where do you think that perception about everyone else's sexual activity came from?

Have you talked to anyone else about what happened? How are you feeling about bringing it up here?

[evherstory]

I’ve sort of mentioned what happened to a few friends, but I never called it a sexual assault and I don’t think I made it clear that I didn’t want him to touch me like that. I also definitely blamed myself partially. I am trying not to feel guilty or like it was my responsibility, but I do still feel guilty about calling in an assault. I can’t be sure that he intentionally didn’t ask for consent as we never talked about it. I know that he had many opportunities and as the person with experience who wanted to go forward he should have asked.

I am very glad this website exists because I haven’t even told my parents I’m sexually active. I feel pretty comfortable asking questions on here since it’s anonymous and I also know it’s a credible resource.

I have realized that I need to wait until I am with somebody I know and trust to try to have sex again. There is a big hook up culture at my school so I tried with one other person, who I knew a lot better, but because of my experience I found I was holding back because I was afraid of feeling violated like my first time. Last year I was definitely feeling pressure to gain some experience since most of my friends were having sex, but I am working on being okay with being unexperienced. I would rather be a “virgin” for a while longer than not enjoy an experience because I was afraid.

Also thank you for your response and I read the consent driver’s ed article which was really great!

[Sam W]

Hi evherstory,

Reminding yourself that he had opportunities to behave differently, and that really a partner should be checking in with you (especially if you don't seem excited by what's happening) might also help with those feelings of guilt. And, as Al said, you get to refer to what happened in whatever way is most comfortable for you. Are you feeling like you're getting the support you need around this incident, from friends or from other resources?

It sounds like you're getting a more solid sense of what you're ready for in terms of sex, which is great! It can be pretty tough when it feels like everyone, or at least everyone you know, is sexually active. Something that can help is to remember that even at schools where lots of people are sexually active, there are still plenty of people who, like you, don't feel ready for it. If you haven't seen it before, this article may be helpful: Don't Want To Have Sex?

[evherstory]

I haven't really reached out for support yet. I am just trying to figure out what the situation means to me since I just figured out that some people might consider what happened an assault. I'm not sure I want to call it that because I can't be sure there was any malicious intent. I also am wary of calling in an assault because I know many people have been through a lot worse and what happened to me, while it felt like a violation, wasn't as traumatic in the grand scheme of assault. I don't want to call what happened to me assault when I know there are a lot worse things that could have happened and I don't know if the lack of consent was intentional. Does that make sense?

I can't tell if I am just experiencing guilt I shouldn't be experiencing or if there is something valid to what I am thinking. I am very confused about the whole thing and would like some clarity so I can stop thinking about it as much. I feel guilty about calling it an assault when I don't know if he meant anything bad and there are a lot more serious things that could have happened. I think once I figure that out I might reach out for support.

[Heather]

Think of the word assault (and abuse) a lot like the word crime: these are BIG tent words. They're meant to include a LOT of things, things that differ in a lot of ways. They really aren't meant to describe the *impact* a crime has on someone, because that's not what defines what a crime is or what assault/abuse -- of some many kinds and degrees -- is.

No one hurts anyone -- and I say this as the survivor of both the kind of assault and abuse you didn't experience yourself but are likely imagining as the "worse than mine" kind, and of less severe or violent assaults or abuses -- by classifying what happened to them for themselves with basic words. You not calling this assault, if that is what you turn out to want to do, doesn't help me or other survivors, you know? It just maybe gets in the way of you healing and dealing as you need to.

It's up to you what you call what happened to you. And if "assault" or abuse is what that turns out to be, you get to use those words. Others who have been assaulted or abused in different ways won't be negatively impacted.