Scarleteen

I've been contemplating my previous behavior on these message boards since a bit over a year ago I've posted them. I feel very bad and disgusted that such a person had once been me. I was someone who felt there was something very wrong with what I was born with, and as a result, wrote and shared messages I never would have written and shared otherwise. Here is an excerpt of one of my posts:

If a guy wants a girl to remain pregnant when she doesn't, abortion is the only compromisable way to settle that argument, but if it's switched around, guys aren't given rights over what is theirs too. Also, guys could have something in their genes like depression or bipolar disorder or a physical condition that could be potentially dangerous to pass on to a child. Does anybody find this making sense? Do any heterosexual guys who use this site agree with me? I could be totally wrong with all this. I couldn't find a lot of trustworthy information to back up my point, but it's the best I've got.

I had no trustworthy information. I shouldn't have posted that at all. I was lazy, and I should've thoroughly researched before I shared false information and beliefs like this. Do any heterosexual guys who use this site agree with me? I wrote this because I thought there would be other people, particularly young heterosexual men, who could identify with me. I never thought about the women, including most of the Scarleteam, who would be affected by this, and I very much should have.

I'm very sorry. I feel like a pro-life person bashing you for your pro choice policies.. I did apologize after Heather responded to what I wrote about reproductive rights, but it wasn't sincere. I seriously did imagine myself as a pregnant woman having and raising a child based on what I knew from sexual education resources and other people's accounts. In the fantasy, I felt very selfish not to listen to my partner when he said that the baby could have mental or physical disorder or STD like he had had, and forcing him to pay for something he couldn't give legal nonconsent to. I had very little knowledge of others' experiences and education on reproductive rights-related history at that time, and I apologize for saying things that had very little information attached to them. It's your job to keep monsters like me out of these forums, and it's my job to keep my sorry ass off of websites like these....I don't deserve your empathy. Those phrases are evident evident that I had been taking my responders personally, which only fueled the fire.

Over the past year, I have rediscovered my own body confidence and enhanced my connection to reality. I felt ashamed of my body because I can't naturally empathize with the people whose reproductive systems actually carry other human beings, who deal with many issues such as intense tiredness and unusual cravings during pregnancy, and can't experience those things for myself so I'll know how they really feel. I now understand that I can have a purely seed-spilling reproductive system and still be a caring, compassionate person, and, as long as I am that, people will care about me without judging me by my sex, gender, or anything else I was born and/or raised with, and I will care about other people the same way. My lack of understanding of this drove me to my vile sharings on these forums.

I apologize to the Scarleteam, and all other users of these message boards, I apologize to those who read, and probably will still read, my posts and were/are affected by them, and I apologize to those, especially women, who have been affected by lack of reproductive rights and autonomy. I will not ask for anyone's forgiveness. I'm only apologizing.

cityofthedead, I was sorry to hear you calling yourself (even your past self) a monster. I know I certainly never thought of you that way. My sense was that you were clearly struggling in very big ways you hadn't identified yet. But your permissions on the board were changed after these posts because as I'd said then, and you are saying now, you're right, they were not okay here.

Thank you for this, it is truly appreciated. I'm also really glad to hear that it sounds like you are feeling better with and in yourself. <3

Thank you very much, Heather. I'm happy and relieved with how I'd changed over the past year and with my willingness to admit to and share the mistakes I had made, as difficult as they were to address. Also, monster was a term I must admit was very bigoted of me to use. I don't consider myself or anyone else a monster anymore. It is true that I said some things I seriously shouldn't have said, but I'm very glad I'm one of the people who admit that.

It's really weird, yet so amazing that a person who is respectful, thoughtful, and well informed can live in the same mind that a troubled, disrespectful, and misunderstood person once lived in. Words can't fully express how grateful I am that this applies to me.