Scarleteen

hi, it's been a while since i've messaged you well, i've managed to somehow talk to my mum about sex, it wasn't directly about sex but she noticed that i've started feeling an attraction for boys. She told me that i shouldn't think about boys because ya know the classic "all they want is sex", and then she ended the topic with the word forbidden - she's a kinda strict christian.

But lately i've been curious about my first exposure to sexuality and puberty and how it would affect my future experiences involving the two. I remember when i was 10 and i started growing hair down there and i told my mum but my dad and my twin brother were in the room. When i told my mum, my dad immediately shamed me and said i should not talk about it ( i was literally 10 and i was just curious !!! ) During the years as i am 14 now, my dad has always told me that i should not go near boys or men because they'll potentially "rape" or sexually harass me??? whenever there's news on the tv about teenage girls and their negative sexual experiences, he always tells me to look at the tv and would lecture me about it again.

Now that i'm 14 and a bit wiser, i hope, i feel like sex is something traumatic and it deeply scares me. i have been brought up to think that it is wrong and that only dirty women do it. Sometimes i find myself daydreaming about sex but i feel ashamed after or end up scaring myself i dont know what to do. I've read your articles on sexual shame and they've helped me but i just feel so much shame and trauma inside me (

Hi there, armykiki.

It really sounds like your family isn't a very safe or supportive place to talk about sex or sexuality, and I imagine that doesn't make it any easier to try to get out from under the shame and fear you're feeling about sex. Have you seen any of the articles in our Impurity Culture series? I think you might find some of those helpful; they're written by and for people who have been impacted by a very specific, "purity" focused type of Christian belief about sex. The above link will take you to the introductory article and here is a list of all the current article in the series.

I'm really sorry you feel so ashamed of having sexual thoughts. I'm glad our article on sexual shame was helpful, but it can take time to get rid of those feelings of shame, especially when you're in a family situation where people are reinforcing those messages from time to time. If it helps to hear it again: It's ok to have sexual thoughts or desires, and being a sexual person isn't wrong or dirty.