Obsessive thinking & constant fear

[Hollytiger]

Hello. I posted a few threads a couple of months ago (and received some incredibly supportive/helpful responses), illustrating the shame/guilt I was going through after having intercourse for the first time. This happened in September, and it is something that still bothers me even now (4+ months later).

There's still so much fear - I'm just stuck on this repetitive fear of being pregnant and feeling so much guilt because I "lost" my virginity (to someone I'm not in a relationship with and don't consider anything more than a friend now). I've lost count of all the pregnancy tests I've taken at this point and somewhere, logically, I understand it's not going to happen.

I suppose because pregnancy/childbirth/child-rearing is my greatest fear in life, that is the ultimate "punishing" consequence for having sex...Typing that out, I realize how distorted that view is.

I know having kids is something I don't want for my life. However, why can't I just be normal and view pregnancy and sex positively for myself? I don't judge anyone like I do myself...I think people who choose to have kids are great and I support them. I support people who choose any kind of sex for themselves as long as it's consensual...So why can't I think of myself that way, too? Why do I hold myself to such a judgmental standard with these issues?

Four months later - I still wake up and my first thought is "you had a real risk of pregnancy", "you had sex, you are bad", "you are forever changed"...So much anxiety and mental energy is spent obsessing on this topic. I just want to live my life in peace again.

Sorry, I know I didn't really ask anything concrete. I suppose I just wanted to get this out somewhere. Maybe someone has gone through something similar.

Thanks for reading.

[Jacob]

Welcome back Holly, it's nice to hear from you!

I don't know exactly how your unique anxiety operates but for me it is quite common is that the justification can come after the feeling.

Knowing that the danger isn't real doesn't make the feeling go away, but it can help you have some clarity to work out what you might need to address the underlying anxiety, rather than just keeping trying to solve the unsolvable thoughts (even though that racing can continue a while!).

It sounds like the anxiety or 'constant fear' is really severe for you. I want to stress that that is a real problem. Mental health issues can have as much impact someone's life as pregnancy or any physical illness.

Speaking to a counsellor/therapist about the roots of the underlying fear/anxiety, or your doctor about how to alleviate the immediate symptoms both sounds like they would be really helpful. Is that something you have been pursuing?

Nobody deserves to feel awful all the time with no medical support.

[Hollytiger]

Jacob,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. While I certainly don’t wish anxiety on anyone, it is strangely comforting to be able to reveal these thoughts to someone who may have similar struggles.

That said, I am interested in your statement of “justification can come after the feeling”. Do you mean that it is difficult to reconcile emotional responses with objectivity or logic (if so - I agree!)? I may have missed something there.

“Unsolvable thoughts”. It really does feel that way. My days are spent ruminating or in a state of dread. Even while working; I find I can only distract myself for so long - the fear just finds its way back.

I can understand how approaching this with a therapist or doctor would be helpful. I do have a bit of a history with such things. For most of my life, I have seen psychologists and been on various medications for mental health issues. I made the decision last August to stop taking medication, with the help of a psychiatrist, and it signifies a positive change. I used that internally as some kind of evidence that I had “beat” what I spent years trying to overcome.

I have actually spoken to a therapist I saw over the years a few times over the last few months about this anxiety around sex/pregnancy. It was helpful in that she was very nonjudgmental and interpreted it all as me starting to live independently and make my own decisions.

But somehow, I still just feel so, so bad for what I did. I want so desperately to shake that but it’s tainting all of my experience. The repetitive, intrusive thoughts of pregnancy are probably the most uncomfortable, constant feature of all this. If a friend - or even just any fellow human - were going through the situation I am facing, I’d assure them that they did nothing wrong. That everything is ok and sex isn’t a shameful thing...I tell myself that a lot. I really try to listen and understand.

Regret and fear is just so strong.

[Robin]

Hi Holly,

I don't know what Jacob meant, so I'll let them answer for themselves next time they come through.


What I do know is:
A lot of people find that a stressful event, or stress in general, can exacerbate mental health stuff. You were really alarmed by having a pregnancy risk; in my book, that counts as a stressful event. It would make sense if you needed a therapist's support around all of this, and maybe even to talk to your psychiatrist about medication. Neither of those things mean that you have failed in any way. In fact, it would mean that you're taking care of yourself. And, talking to a doctor about your medication options doesn't mean that you have to take anything. It's just exploring your options, you know?

Because when I hear someone say that obsessive thoughts are bothering them daily, even when they're working or otherwise distracted, and that those obsessive thoughts are cropping up as soon as that person wakes up in the morning, that tells me that they might not be doing so well at sorting that stuff out on their own. Which, again, doesn't mean you've failed. Just like we'd go back to the doctor if a physical health problem cropped up, it can make sense to do the same with mental health care.

I'm also wondering, since you've spent time talking with different mental health providers, if there's anything you learned in those sessions that can help you now? Did you ever work on skills and approaches for dealing with anxiety and obsessive thoughts in the moment?

[Hollytiger]

Robin,

Thank you for your sensible words. The good news is I did make an appointment, though I’ll have to wait until the 20th next month unless there are cancellations. So I’m hoping to do some work on my own in the meantime.

Sometimes it feels impossible since it’s a barrage of fearful thoughts with very little respite. But I know a lot of people like the phrase “this too shall pass”, so I try to think about that.

You’re right that it counts as a “stressful event”...The risk really shook all of my core values and I felt I violated everything that made me, me. I still feel that way. It just feels like because that risk was so scary to me, I feel like there “needs” to be some kind of dire consequence for my actions. And an unwanted pregnancy (my worst nightmare since reaching reproductive age over a decade ago...) would be just that.

I’m so stuck on it that I invent these crazy theories. Like, what if none of the tests I took over the past 3 months picked up any HCG hormone? What if I’m one of those really rare cases of women getting periods (or what they think are periods) despite being pregnant? I know it sounds crazy but I just torment myself...Every little physical sensation I may feel throughout the day; I worry that it’s my worst fear being true.

I even bought yet another test today...I’m waiting til the morning to take it however since I read that’s when the hormone it’s looking for is in its highest concentration. I don’t know...This feels almost like a compulsion. I buy these tests and feel like I temporarily assuaged the fear, and even when they come up negative as they all have, I just can’t accept that my having unprotected sex outside of marriage/committed relationship with someone I really hardly know isn’t resulting in my number one fear.

I’m going in circles. I realize I must sound crazy and the solution would be to just stop thinking about these things...I wish I could just put a stop to it all.

I found in the past that “grounding” exercises in the moments of anxiety were helpful. Like, while in the midst of fear, naming 5 facts about my current surroundings. Keeps one in the present. I also try to read about mindfulness and various life philosophies to manage this.

I just feel so “other” all the time. Like I’m just not me anymore. I did some indelible thing and so I’m not allowed to enjoy things or experience good things; I have to sabotage it in some way.

Sorry for the long post...I am really just letting thoughts flow. Thank you to everyone who has read my posts and those who have offered support as well. I really appreciate it. I feel so overcome and lost.

[Siân]

Hey Hollytiger,

Good job on making another appointment! I'm sorry you have to wait so long. It sounds like you're having a really stressful time right now.

I hear that your rational brain knows that your fears are unfounded, and that you did absolutely nothing wrong, so I'm not going to keep repeating what you already know.

Rather than taking more pregnancy tests, maybe it's time to see if you can gently shift the focus of those thoughts? When you're feeling anxious, do you find it helpful - or even possible - to recognise that you are not feeling bad because of anything you've done, but you're just feeling bad because you have anxiety and that's what anxiety does?

It's great that you have some tools - like the grounding exercise you described - are you using them?

No need to apologise for writing! Sometimes you just need a rant, and if that's what this space provides for you right now, we're here for that! How can we support you best right now?

You're still you. You deserve good things.

[Hollytiger]

Siân,

Thank you very much! Your response was rather timely in that I was able to find a lot of comfort in your words. In particular, I’ve been thinking about the idea that I’m feeling bad because that’s what anxiety does, rather than feeling bad because I did something bad.

That perspective shift is becoming really helpful these past two days. When the thoughts come up I now try to label it and say “this is just anxiety”, rather than running away with the fear. So thank you very much for explaining that!

When I get fearful thoughts that come with some physical reactions as well (you know, that fight or flight startle, racing heart, clammy hands thing), I have been making it a point to use the grounding idea again. It helps to give just enough distance from the thought, and kind of throws your brain off track for a few seconds so you focus less on the distressing thought.

I will keep moving through this...Thank you again for your help.

[Siân]

Hollytiger,

I'm so glad that you found this helpful. It sounds like you're taking really positive steps in focusing on managing your anxiety rather than following it down the rabbithole of those thoughts - I hope that you've managed to keep using this reframing and with your grounding exercises to manage this.

You're welcome. Is there anything else you'd like from us just now?