Worried about younger brother

[Lola_May]

Hi there,

My brother (nearly 2 years younger than me, he has just turned 20) hasn't seemed happy or content even for a very long time. He came out to me as gay when he was 14 and over Christmas this year cried and talked to me a bit about finding growing up really hard. He talked about not feeling like the typical guy i.e. not being masculine enough. He has also expressed anxiety about never finding a boyfriend because he's never had a relationship.

I have tried bringing this up with my parents who have always been supportive with me and support the rights of LGBTQ+ people. However, they don't seem to have tried talking about any of this with my brother. It's like they just want to brush it all under the carpet because he isn't bringing it up with them. This does make me question how comfortable they are with homosexuality in reality. That, or they are too afraid of making my brother feel uncomfortable.

My brother isn't good at expressing his feelings and I have asked whether he would like to see a therapist and he said he wasn't sure about talking to a stranger.

The whole situation upsets me. I'm mostly away for university so can't really do much anyway. I'm currently back home for the weekend as it's my brother's birthday. I think my mum is a bit depressed as well. Her and my brother spend a lot of time watching TV programmes and not much else. My mum doesn't work and doesn't have much confidence in her abilities, often avoiding challenges by absorbing herself in a new Netflix series.

My brother has also been on Grindr and tinder and I've noticed over the last years how worried he is about his appearance. We're mixed race and some of the things he doesn't like about the way he looks are based on Eurocentric beauty standards that I fear are perpetuated more on superficial dating sites. I think he would really benefit from meeting other gay/ LGBTQ people to have as friends since he only has straight female friends.

I really don't know what to do. I'm so so worried about him and it makes me want to cry knowing how unhappy he is. He used to be very lively, and had some more 'feminine' qualities that I feel he has deliberately hidden away out of fear of homophobia. He has expressed anxiety about going outside sometimes. We live in London which is in many ways a liberal place to be (I have LGBT friends who enjoy the freedom in living here) but I fully sympathise with the fear. I have witnessed homophobia myself multiple times.

My brother is currently a bit stuck on what he wants to do. He chose not to go to uni and has been applying for jobs since the summer. He's got a very small network of friends from when he was in school as a result.

I don't know if this is the right place to post this!! I want to be able to support my brother in some way but am unable to give up much of my time to do so. Also, part of me wonders if it's even my place as an older sister to try and intervene in some way. I know it's not my place to tell him he's depressed. I'm not sure he even realises this himself. Maybe I just have to let him figure this out for himself? Any advice would be welcome

[Heather]

Lola,

It's late where I am, so I am afraid I lack the capacity to answer this for you tonight. (I wouldn't have seen it at all, save that I was closing windows before bed and refreshed out of habit.)

But I just wanted you to know that someone did see it, and this is absolutely somewhere you can post about this and where we can probably help. I'll come round in the morning tomorrow and offer some things up unless someone else gets here first.

I also just wanted to let you know I think you're being a wonderful, supportive sister, and your love and care for your brother is so clear, and really moving and beautiful. I feel very certain that with someone that cares about him this strongly and deeply, your brother is going to be okay. Sorry to have to ask you to wait a little bit, but know we'll do our best to start helping you with this shortly.

[Sam W]

Hi Lola,

It's clear you really care about and love your brother, and are worried about him, so let's see if we can figure out some ways you can help him out in this situation.

I actually think you're well positioned as his sister to talk to him about some of the things that are concerning you, especially since it sounds like you two have a good relationship and he trusts you. It seems like there are maybe two ways you could go about this, depending on what elements you feel you most want to address. One would be to gently check in with him while you're home (you may already be doing this); asking about things like how he's spending his time, if he's meeting new people, how his dating adventures are going (if that's the kind of thing you two talk about normally), things to give you a baseline on how his life is going overall and maybe give you an opening to voice a concern.

Another way to approach this could be to mention one or two of the behaviors you're worried about. If you've noticed he's gone from lively to more withdrawn or down on himself, that could be the place to start. As you said yourself, he might not have noticed some of the changes himself; sometimes, cruddy mental health periods creep up on people little by little and it helps to have someone on the outside going "hey, I've noticed X, are you okay?" Too, do you feel like you and he could talk about if there are encounters he's had that have made him want to downplay some of the "feminine" parts of his personality?

What do you think? Does one of those approaches feel like the one that will work for you? Or are you seeing reasons why none of them are viable?

[Lola_May]

Hi Sam and Heather,

Thanks for responding and apologies for being late with replying myself. I didn't really get a chance to talk with him when I saw him last. This sounds like a good plan though. I have mentioned to him that I've noticed his behaviour changing but I stupidly brought my own experiences into the conversation.

I used to be very quiet and he was a lot more confident and now we have sort of reversed. I told him this and understandably he took it in the wrong way. I made the conversation more about myself so will try to make it more about him when I do ask how he's doing and how I've noticed changes. My only worry is is that he might just find this makes him feel more upset and I'm not sure I would know what to do then.

[Heather]

No worries about the delay.

In terms of him feeling upset if you share these kinds of concerns and observations: do you two have any history of providing comfort to each other in the past? If so, what do you know from those experiences? If not, how do you comfort any friends or other people who have been struggling with hard feelings in your life?