Safer casual lesbian sex?

[MusicNerd]

Hi! Wow, just realized it's been a minute since I've been on here haha hope y'all are doing okay! I'm back because I'm wondering if you could give some input on something, and I trust your opinions in this area.

So, I’m planning on casually hooking up with some girls soon (just remembered that I'm actually going out with someone tomorrow), but I wanna use barriers (like dental dams and nitrile gloves). Since I don't have a lot of experience with casual sex at this point, I guess my questions are:

1. Would most queer women in casual situations be turned off by that idea, like enough to not wanna sleep with someone? I know there's a pretty common misconception around sex and STIs for queer women + AFAB folks, being that it's basically impossible to contract anything, even though it's more accurate to say that it's less likely to happen than with other kinds of sex.
and
2. How/when would I bring that up? I'm thinking sometime beforehand, instead of during sex, but idk how far ahead or how exactly to bring it up.

Thanks in advance for any answers!

[Heather]

Hey, you! How great to see you around again. I hope you've been well!

I don't think we can "most" this because queer women are very diverse, like any other big group of people. But I do think it's fair to say that anyone who is straight-up insulted or turned off by safer sex practices probably isn't a great pick as a sexual partner. I've actually often used this very thing as one easy litmus test for potential partners.

I mean, if someone is like that, that tells me a few things, the first of which being they probably haven't been practicing safer sex, so I gotta know I am probably at higher STI risks with them (which is quite ironic if they also are going with the false and super-antiquated idea that having a vag makes them and their partners immune). It also tells me they probably don't have great attitudes or ways of thinking about sexual health, and that I should anticipate battles when it comes to that, which turns ME off, so. Some other stuff too, none of it good, IMO.

But I also respect that everyone gets to nix sex for any reason, even reasons that don't seem sound to me or that I agree with, *and* I personally am not going to not ask for things that support my health because I'm worried someone with anti safer-sex attitudes might not sleep with me. I just don't think I'm going to be missing out in that situation, you know?

That all said, I do think that younger queer women are a lot better about this than their older forebears, so I wouldn't sweat it.

Safer sex isn't asking anyone a favor, it's DOING each other one. I don't see any need to discuss it before discussing the sex it'd be part of myself, but this is really going to be about your comfort and what feels right in the moment. I'd just remember that this isn't some kind of sacrifice you're asking someone for, and that when you bring it to the table, you do with positivity and confidence. So often when people are in a bad headspace about safer sex, it's contagious, but the opposite is also very much true: being chill and positive about safer sex generally results in partners also being that way about it.

I would just say to be sure to have your barriers with you, and to do what you can to make sure those include latex alternatives for anyone with allergy or sensitivity.

[MusicNerd]

Hi Heather! Thanks, I’ve been doing okay. Lots of ups and downs since the last time I’ve been on here (like 2016? jeez!!) but I think things are finally starting to look up.

Okay yeah, that’s fair I shouldn’t “most” queer women. And I guess I didn't think about it that way, but you’re totally right in terms of bringing this up and that being a litmus test, as well as safer sex not being a sacrifice or a favor, but doing a favor for both of us. I like that a lot!

I guess in talking this through with you, I realize that my hesitation isn’t from a blanket assumption I have about queer women in casual situations, but more so coming from my own growing ability to set boundaries with people, and working on not letting their emotions and reactions be my responsibility. I’ve gotten a lot better at doing that in non-sexual contexts, but I guess because I don't have a lot of sexual experience I don't have as much confidence in this area.

And I guess if I’m gonna go another level and be super duper honest: even though I’ve taken well over a year off from dating, I on some level am still working on not having my self-worth and desirability wrapped up in my ability to have these kinds of connections with people. So, potentially “compromising” that in any way with *gasp* Boundaries!! is something in the back of my mind. Like, that’s hard to unlearn! Especially given my little experience and confidence in this area of my life.

(Also, I know you didn’t mean for it to be a pun, but when you said, “So often when people are in a bad headspace about safer sex, it's contagious” I chuckled a bit lol )

[Heather]

You're right, boundaries can be so, so hard, especially if and when we grew up -- as most of us did to varying degrees -- disallowed them, or with family or community who didn't have them or respect them, or in any kind of abuse. I think boundaries can for sure also be more challenging if we struggle with self-esteem or self-worth at all, especially in situations like these: it can be all too easy to believe we don't really deserve boundaries, so asking for them is asking a lot (or too much, even), and anyone respecting them is doing us some giant favor.

But I feel like the kind of sharp awareness you have around all of this and you has you at least halfway across this bridge, you know?

I also find it helpful, if and when I'm in need of reminding, of just how much better sex and sexual interactions and relationships are when we DO have boundaries, especially the most basic kinds, like those that help us and others stay physically well or and only in healthy emotional interactions. Boundaries aren't about compromising anything, IME, but exactly the opposite.

Back to dating after a year off for sure founds a little daunting though, I get it! (And boy, do I, last year I came back to it after not having done it for many years myself.) But it also sounds great that you were able to have that year: how do you feel?

[MusicNerd]

UGH, this is so real!! “it can be all too easy to believe we don't really deserve boundaries, so asking for them is asking a lot (or too much, even), and anyone respecting them is doing us some giant favor.” So true, damn. My abusive upbringing definitely did not foster a boundary-respecting environment. I’m grateful that I at least logically understand that I deserve boundaries, but it’s gonna take some more interpersonal muscle memory (for lack of a better term) to like really get it. And you’re right, it’s not about compromising anything, and more about making sure that me and everyone involved are all okay.

It feels kinda daunting to be going back out into dating, for sure! I’ve been going to support groups for different things, and I have a really great no-BS therapist I started seeing last April, and I now have the right mental health diagnoses and meds. So, all those things, along with other interests and activities that feed my soul, have been helping me too.

So, I feel like because of all that, the emotional stakes in dating aren’t as high for me as they used to be before having these different supports in place. Like, if someone decides to not wanna meet up with me? It’s a bummer, but ultimately not a big deal nor is it really about me. I’ve become more aware of how much I’ve made other people’s actions about me, which is pretty self-centered when you think about it, ‘cause like... I ain't that important, nor do I as a person hold that much power over other people’s actions.

I mean, don’t get me wrong: I’ve definitely still got some crappy messaging to unlearn for sure (or else I probs wouldn’t be asking this question in the first place), and building self-worth will be an ongoing thing for like the rest of my life, but one step at a time I guess.

[Heather]

I want to also make sure you're giving yourself room to not always be perfect with boundaries: if and when you falter, beating yourself up about it is never helpful. If we can't be gentle with ourselves, who can be?

It sounds like the last year has been great for you, and like you're coming back into dating in a GREAT position to weather the various storms of it that so often come with it's adventures and awesome possibilities.

You know, many years ago, before Scarleteen, I submitted my writing to other places for publication. Loads and loads of them, almost entirely met with loads and loads of rejection. That really sucked when it was happening, but at some point, I just kind of -- I hate this phrase, but you'll get me -- leaned into it. I even had a wall I covered with rejection letters. That whole time and process really normalized rejection for me in a way that I feel really served me in a lot of areas of life, later. So, stupid as it might sound, I do think that even winding up with rejections, even a TON of them, can offer us good things. And if we can learn not to fear or avoid rejection, I think it opens up doors to the good stuff we probably wouldn't otherwise risk, you know?

[MusicNerd]

It’s funny, the support group I just came from was talking about expectations tonight and I was talking about how many unfair expectations I place on myself. lol Also, just 5 minutes ago I got a text from the person I’m supposed to be meeting up with saying they might be too sick to meet up tomorrow and like... I’m bummed but not super torn up about it, you know? I’ll find other things to do tomorrow night if things don’t pan out as planned.

But yeah, that’s so real: I’ve definitely gotta cut myself some slack in the whole not-being-perfect-at-setting-boundaries department. Self-compassion is another thing I have a feeling is gonna be a life-long process.

And thanks!!! I really appreciate you saying that, because this last year, and particularly these last 6 months, have been a really painful growing period for me. Lots of hard lessons that I had to learn.

“So, stupid as it might sound, I do think that even winding up with rejections, even a TON of them, can offer us good things. And if we can learn not to fear or avoid rejection, I think it opens up doors to the good stuff we probably wouldn't otherwise risk, you know?” That’s so true, and when it comes to this lesson for rejection, it’s something I basically have the memory span of a goldfish over. haha

I think it’s cool that you were able to lean in (I’m also not a big fan of that phrase, but I 100% get what you mean lol) to the discomfort of rejection. Like, posting the rejections to your wall? I could never!! But also, super dope that you were able to normalize rejection in that way. Perhaps I should do something similar...

[Heather]

Anything else I can help with right now?

If not, you know where to find us (still)! It's always great to see you around here, and I'm always happy to give you any help or support. Again, I'm so happy to see you clearly continuing to be the awesome, thoughtful and insightful person you are.

[MusicNerd]

Nope, that’s it for now! Thanks so much, Heather! That means a lot coming from someone as awesome as you

[Heather]

Bless. <3