Scarleteen

Hi, I am new to scarleteen, and I’ve come to hopefully figure out what is going on with my body.
For years I’ve been trying to masterbate properly. I have found that I am unable to be aroused unless my boyfriend does certain things, then I get a tingling sensation and I feel something.
I’ve never experienced an ‘orgasm’ or how people explain how great it is anyway. Little backstory is since I was maybe 8 I’ve been doing this thing where I cross my legs and squeeze my thighs and I feel a little pleasure, and that’s the only thing I’ve known. When i touch myself, my legs jolt sometimes, and it feels okay, but nothing more than just okay. And when I try to do it fast, I just can’t make myself do it.
I’ve been jealous of all other girls I know who talk about how easy they can get off. Anyone have any ideas of what I should do?
~thank you

Hi there tntdino, and welcome to Scarleteen!

What you’re describing is a pretty common- a lot of folks come into masturbating by finding out that moving or touching their bodies makes them feel good. It looks different for everyone, and there really isn’t a wrong way to do it. It’s a skill just like anything else, so it’s okay if you haven’t had an orgasm yet- it doesn’t mean that you aren’t able to or won’t be able to have one.

When you say that you feel something with your boyfriend, what do you think is different from when you’re on your own? Does he touch your body differently, or in different areas? Do you feel more turned on, or wet?

You might find a few of our articles about masturbation and anatomy helpful- check out Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation and With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body when you get a chance!

al wrote:
When you say that you feel something with your boyfriend, what do you think is different from when you’re on your own? Does he touch your body differently, or in different areas? Do you feel more turned on, or wet?

Thank you! ~When I’m with my boyfriend i guess aroused is the way to put it. But just like when I’m alone, when he rubs me my legs shake and it feels nice, but I can never get to the point of orgasm. It seems like the leg technique is the only thing I’ve got going since childhood.

Hi tntdyno,

To make sure I've got it clear, when you masturbate or are sexual with your boyfriend, you feel some pleasure and build up but not the release that usually indicates orgasm? Taking a look at this article for reference, does it feel like you get "stuck" in what's referred to as the plateau phase? Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

As Al mentioned, finding masturbation styles that work for you is a matter of experimentation. It sounds like you have one that you found during childhood that feels good to you. Looking at the "Going Solo" article, there may be ways of masturbating mentioned that you haven't tried yet that you could use as a starting point for further exploration. Too, when you masturbate, are you doing things like fantasizing to help you generate the same feelings of arousal that you get when you're with your partner? Or is it more that your body is aroused but your mind is sort of un-engaged in what's going on?

One other thing to keep in mind is that sometimes, focusing too much on making an orgasm happen can actually make it harder to orgasm because you feel pressure or frustration, which are major arousal-killers. What if, for the next little while, you focused less on orgasm and more on general pleasure during masturbation and partnered sexual activities? How do you think that would go?

Thank you for answering!
~in regards to when I do feel pleasure, during masterbation I can’t even get close to orgasming. When I’m with my boyfriend and he touches me I tend to shake a lot, and I do get - as you say - sort of stuck. (keep in mind we haven’t had sex, and I’m genuinely scared I won’t be able to feel anything when we do) And I’ve always been aware that me pressuring myself to orgasm can be a big part of it. Fantasizing about my boyfriend helps a little, but any other methods (such as videos) have no help for me. On top of everything, I seem to not get wet as easily as others. Which probably has something to do with me not getting fully aroused.

When you're being sexual with your boyfriend, how comfortable do you feel talking with him about what does and doesn't feel good to you, giving feedback or direction (like moving his hand to the right or using more or less pressure), or asking to try something different?

On the topic of not feeling like you're getting particularly wet, you might find that using some lubricant will help things out a lot! Arousal can definitely impact how much natural lubricant your body produces, but some people like the feeling of that additional lube even when they're super aroused.