A bunch of sex questions

[Lavesha]

I'm really hoping for some advice. I'm really worried about this so it would be so hugely appreciated if anyone was able to help out

Basically, I am 23, and I am really inexperienced sexually. I have never had a boyfriend. I had bad depression for late teens and early 20s and relationships weren't a priority. I've been fine for the past couple of years, and had sex for the first time when I was 21. It was with a guy I'd just started dating and we were both a bit drunk. We just did it once and then I freaked out and called it off with him. I've subsequently done this with another guy I was dating, meaning I've had sex twice.

I am now really ready for a relationship and am going on dates. But I am so scared to sleep with anybody because I generally like slightly older guys (25/26ish) who generally have somewhere between 5-10 years sexual experience. I feel like it is assumed that a girl my age will know what she's doing. I have no idea.

So, the main advice I'm looking for is this:

1. (this is really embarrassing to ask) - How does sex normally play out?? I know it'll be different for everyone, but I don't really know how you know what to do when, and have wished I could be a bit less passive both times I've had sex. So, for instance, with foreplay - would it normally be that each person gets oral sex first? If so, is there a convention about who goes first? And if a boy is having a blowjob before sex, can he *** and then still have sex or does it need to stop before he reaches that point? If it's the latter, does he stop the girl or does she just stop?

Also, are handjobs/fingering a feature of sex usually? I get the sense that it's more oral stuff but am happy to be corrected. If they are, would it be a full handjob to the point of ejaculation and if not, how do you know when to stop?

Once penetrative sex has happened, do guys want round 2?? I always heard they were super tired but then have also heard people saying they've had sex multiple times in one night.

Thirdly, what is the girl meant to do if the guy can't get it up? I had this situation on my second time and literally had no idea. Should girls try to help (handjob or whatever) or does that make it worse?

[Jacob]

Hi Lavesha,

Welcome to Scarleteen! You sound really thoughtful around many of your questions and I hope we can be helpful.

With your "what does the boy do? what does the girl do?" questions... honestly I'm not sure! I can say that in my experiences, and in the experiences shared with me by friends, I don't really see any obvious patterns of what's 'normal'. It varies to such an extent that it almost always feels like the first time when you have a new partner.

Experience can be less about 'knowing what to do' and more about becoming more confident in not knowing what to do, or what feels good, or feels good for partners and instead learning to ask questions, listen to each-others bodies and relax our high standards about impressive in bed.

It can be good to ask the question "How do I want sex to play out?"

What if you don't enjoy all of the things you described, or do enjoy things that aren't on the 'menu' thus far? How can we make that work and communicate with partners?

[Heather]

Just popping in to both back up Jacob by making clear that there simply isn't any "usually." Human sexuality is SO DIVERSE. Seriously, it's as diverse as we are. And how things "usually" go sometimes isn't even a thing in any one sexual relationship: in other words, in sex that regularly happens between just two people how it goes -- what activities they do, how they respond, what flavor or tenor it all has -- can vary a whole lot from day to day, week to week, year to year.

I also want to add that there's no way for any of us, regardless of our experience to "know what we're doing" in a new partnership or interaction. Even those of us with decades of sexual experience are newbies with a new partner because, again, what people like is so diverse, as are things like what our vibe is together with someone else, what that relationship feels like, the works.

It might also help with what appears to be a bit of a confidence crisis for you to realize that it would actually be pretty unusual for anyone in their early/mid-twenties right now to have a whole lot of sexual experience. In your generation, your own experience with the kind of timeline you have had is actually more common than someone starting to be sexually active (and staying so) at 16. So, if one of the things that has you feeling nervous here is the idea you're unusual in this respect, you can let that go. You're really not, I assure you.

I wanted to suggest a few articles for you I think might help you out:
1) I think this one might be something to help you get some more confidence from the front, because you can see that the skills mentioned here probably aren't what you think of when you're worrying about all this: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... ood_in_bed
2) I think this might help you do a bit of what Jacob is sagely suggesting, to get a sense of what YOU want, what you want to try, and what you may or may not already know you like (or don't): Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist.
3) Knowing what to do with a partner is something we find out from them, in consult with our own desires, limits, wants and likes. So, what you want to do to find out, for example, when to stop something, or what sexual activity a partner wants to do, is communicate: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. Communication is also important for consent (which matters at every age, too): Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent.

One last thing! An erect penis isn't actually necessary for most kinds of sex, and a lack of erection isn't something broken you or anyone else needs to try and "fix." (Just as is the case when someone isn't having the kind of erectile response that happens with the clitoris, though because that's not an impediment to intercourse, we don't hear a lot about that in very heterosexist/heteronormative sexual culture.)

People with penises can and do enjoy all kinds of sexual and sensual activity -- whether that's receptive oral sex or fingering or making out or prostate massage, literally, so many things -- when they're not erect. Only intercourse, which is only one kind of sex, requires erection (and even then, it doesn't: strapping on is something people with penises can do if and when they want, too!). I see you calling other kinds foreplay, which is fine, but all the things some people call foreplay are really just other ways of being sexual that aren't intercourse: they're sex too. So, if and when someone doesn't have one or loses theirs, it's as simple as asking what they want to do sexually just like you would if they had one. Make sense?