Going Nuts

[OhHeckDatGurl]

Hello,
I’m super-duper scared and confused right now, and I’m not sure what to do.
Life’s been kind of rough lately. My sister just got out of the hospital, and she’s not doing as well as we’d hoped. My therapist has tried to tell me I might be autistic, which would explain a lot of things, but I’m not sure that I am, and I don’t have the money to get a diagnosis. I seem to be having a hard time making friends, reading people, and lately I’ve been feeling anxious about absolutely nothing a lot. Like, I sit there and get anxious that right now a nuclear bomb could go off and we would all die, and I don’t know what happens after death, and my heart starts racing and I feel like I’m going nuts. That kind of thing that I can’t help so I shouldn’t worry about it but it drives me nuts anyway and I don’t know how to calm down so I end up crying a lot. Even though outwardly I’m all focused on doing a research project, writing for my newspaper, helping sustain a sexuality club, and in a happy relationship, my life feels nuts right now, and I don’t have a lot of close friends to talk to about it without turning them into my therapists, which they are absolutely not.
And so here’s the thing, right?
I love my boyfriend. I love him so much it physically makes me sick to think about being without him. I know, that sounds unhealthy, probably, but I literally get diarrhea when I start thinking about breaking up with him. It’s just what happens. He’s my first ever serious romantic partner and first ever serious sexual partner. I love being around him and I love being friends with him.
But lately I’ve been wondering what other relationships are like. So I tried to start a conversation on polyamory, which he said he doesn’t want to do. Like, he’s not hurt or feels at fault, but he said if I was interested, I would have to break up with him, which defeats the purpose. Like, I want to be with him while exploring other relationships. I want to see if there’s other relationships worth exploring. I just want to know. I think maybe having a third person wouldn’t be bad, and dating that person with my boyfriend sounds cool, but I of course wouldn’t do it right now.
I guess I’m worried because this relationship has reached it’s two-year mark, and I don’t want this to burden our relationship, which, while not as heavy as it could be right now, seems like it’s only going to get heavier.

But, like, that’s the other thing, too.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t want a relationship at all, either. Sometimes I feel like we should just be friends and I should be on my own, because I feel like I’ve never experienced what it’s like to be on my own. But my anxiety is awful, and I don’t know that I know how to self-soothe. Why am I talking about polyamory when it’s hard for me to make friends in the first place? Shouldn’t I focus on more platonic relationships? Wouldn’t that help me out a lot? I never wanted my boyfriend to be the most important person in my life, but then my other friend got too busy for me despite me trying to call and hang out with her, and my other friends graduated, and so now I just feel like I’m absolutely stuck. Like, I’m not choosing him anymore, almost. Like if we don’t keep dating, I won’t have anyone.

But that’s not the whole story either, because I do, absolutely, truly, love him. He is the kindest, most empathetic person I’ve ever met and I love that he feels like home to me. I love that I can be myself around him and tease him endlessly and go on dates like walking to the supermarket to buy ingredients to bake bread or make stupid decisions like buying a three-pound cake to eat together, all alone. I love those moments and I love him, his sweet, kind smile and beautiful eyes.
(I’m in a public place but I’m tearing up right now. Sorry.)

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know. I feel like I push everyone who loves me away from me, and I don’t want to make what feels like it could be the biggest mistake of my life. I need advice. Thank you.

[Sam W]

Hi OhHeckDatGirl,

It sounds like you've got a ton of tough emotions piling up on each other to the point that you're feeling super overwhelmed. So, one thing that might help is to see if you can tease a few of them apart. Sometimes it can make you feel calmer to be looking at a set of questions or issues, rather than one big unsolvable knot.

You mention not feeling like you know how to self-soothe, and it sounds like you're having a spike in sort of free floating anxiety. Have you raised either of those issues with your therapist? And, in the meantime, would it be helpful to have a few resources that may help you explore ways to self-soothe or even just take care of yourself in those moments when things feel really tough?

Only you can really know why the interest in polyamory is popping up now, although I do suggest pumping the brakes hard on that thought process until you feel more solid in your wants and in your reasoning (especially since your boyfriend has made it pretty clear that is not something he's open to). For example, does polyamory feel like a way to no longer have your boyfriend be your sole close connection? Does thinking about having more than one partner maybe remove some of the fear of what would happen if your boyfriend ended things? Something else?

I think you're absolutely right that seeking out more friendships would be helpful right now. Is it that you aren't sure where to start finding people, or is it more that you find places to meet people and then your anxiety locks you up when you get there?

[OhHeckDatGurl]

I think I'd like some resources to self-soothe, yeah. Sometimes I try locking myself up in a bathroom and breathing steady, but that never works for very long. Even when I'm able to stay calm, it always pops back up again stronger than before. Things like baking work, but I don't have the money to do it a lot, and I'm not always in a place where I can drop everything and bake.

I feel like I want polyamory because it would help me have my relationship with my boyfriend while exploring other romantic and sexual relationships. I love my boyfriend, but I'm super extroverted and he's introverted, and it seems difficult to do things together sometimes without him feeling tired (to be honest, I am the most extroverted person I know, so I think it'd be difficult to find any ONE person who can keep up with my energy all the time). We're not always sexually compatible, either--I like things more on the kinky BDSM side, which he's not super interested in. We've found overlap, of course, but I feel like I can't fully express this side of myself. I'd like to see if there's someone who would like to explore that with me and maybe have another person keep up with my energy from time to time.

And I've always had a hard time making friends. I'm sociable with everyone, but I can be super picky. I'm in the process of making friends right now, I feel like, but I don't feel close enough to them right this second. Even just one close platonic girlfriend would be nice to have right now. The only person close to that right now is more focused on the club we're doing than anything, so it feels hard to connect to her on a more personal level, and the other person is so busy with work and doesn't have transportation to come by campus or to my apartment anytime she wants.

[Sam W]

Okay! So, while it's not a one-to-one match, a lot of the recommendations in this article may help you out: Self-Care a La Carte . It sounds like you've already hit upon this, but sometimes self-soothing is about finding a way to occupy your brain while your anxiety runs it's course for that time. This site also offers self-managing techniques, ones that are often great for calming yourself in the moment: https://www.anxietycanada.com/adults/introduction . MoodJuice is another resource you might find useful as too: https://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp . Do you have an appointment with your therapist soon where you can talk about some of these issues?

It sounds like, as much as you love your boyfriend, you've found two spots where you aren't exactly compatible. While issue with sexual compatibility or socializing preferences can be overcome in relationships, they can also be places where it ends up being best for everyone to separate. Now, I'm not saying that you need to break up. And, it's common to not get every sexual need met in a relationship, or for there to be one partner who goes out more than the other. But it's up to you to decide if you want to explore those things, or if you want to preserve your current relationship, since your partner's made it clear doing both is not an option. It sucks that the option you were hoping for isn't on the table, but now that you know it isn't you know what your other choices are.

With the friends you're making, what would help you feel closer to them? Is it just a matter of knowing them a little longer, or are there other things that need to happen in order for you to feel that closeness?

[Heather]

I wanted to add that I think you've pretty clearly identified a bunch of reasons why right now is't going to be the right time for you with poly: it would involve a breakup you're not sure you want (and I'd suggest you come to a conclusion about considering more than just if you want to be poly), but more importantly, and much bigger than that, you're recognizing that you lack some skills and abilities that are really important in order to have any kind of relationship be healthy and beneficial. Managing poly can ask a lot more of us than managing monogamy, including often having to bump up against our own insecurities a lot more and manage them.

It sounds to me like what is probably most worthy of your consideration right now is maybe looking at what changes you can make so you can become more self-reliant, and more able to decide to stay in something or not instead of feeling so dependent and staying because you feel scared to be on your own, and more able to take care of yourself. It's so hard to make good choices about our relationships if we feel like we literally can't live without them, and we also don't tend to draw the best people or relationships when we aren't pretty self-reliant, and when relationships don't actually feel optional, you know?

Also, it might be a god idea to start thinking about the relationship you're in in terms of if it being a sexual or romantic relationship is still the right *kind* of relationship for you and for it. Sometimes in life, especially, in my experience, with some of our best relationships and favorite people, what kind of relationship is the right one isn't something that stays the same. Sometimes what we need to do to keep relationships we're in good and right for everyone, particularly as we grow and change, is to let them shift and change sometimes. It's entirely possible, for instance, that you and your boyfriend could still have and do all the things you value so much as really close friends AND that then, when it's right for you, you could explore dating and other sexual partners like it sounds like you want to. Changing a relationship doesn't have to mean losing it.

[OhHeckDatGurl]

Those links look good--I'll check them out later tonight. Thank you!

I just want to be able to know my friends a little bit longer, but also I want them to initiate more stuff with me. I don't want to be stuck always asking to do things and them saying they're busy, only to never get back with me, you know? My club-leader friend studied with me in the library the other day, though, so it looks like it's going up, but I still don't feel like I know her well enough, you know? I mostly just have a hard time with social skills and reading people in general, which sucks cuz I like being around people so much, but I'm scared I come off too strong.

Ok. Well. Maybe I'll change the relationship. Maybe I DO just want to be friends, even though I really like the sex we have and the dates we go on, and holding hands sometimes too. Maybe I just want to stop all the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff and focus on myself while having him as a friend. But I'm not sure that I want that permanently(?). Like, I feel like I might just want to take a break for a little while, but then I want to come back. But I don't know if I'll have the chance to... And besides, we live together, and it be extra-hard in our little tiny studio apartment to just be roommates.

I don't know what I want. I think that's the issue. I don't want to hurt him by dragging him down into this, either, because I know that ultimately he deserves to be happy. But maybe I do just want to be friends and focus on myself... can you even do that? Would it be hard?

[Heather]

It's absolutely something you (or anyone else), can do. We really can survive without sexual or romantic partners, I swear, and we also really can shift the nature of our relationships with people.

Of course, in terms of that second bit, obviously half of that depends on the other person: how they feel about that, what they want, and how willing they are to go through the transition of doing that, a process which isn't always easy, and does often tend to require some space in between, which sounds like it might be the trickiest part for you two -- without knowing anything else about how he feels about your relationship as it is now -- since you live together, and in close quarters, no less.

But I do think that if you ever find yourself staying with someone romantically or sexually mostly -- or even only -- because you can't figure out how to have the kind of relationship that's right for you, or that you really want, due to logistics, it's probably time to rethink/reconsider/redo your logistics, you know? Too, staying with someone in a way we don't actually want because it makes THEM happy (but isn't right for us) really isn't a recipe for the good stuff. It's really vital -- for everyone -- that everyone in a relationship wants to be in it and wants it to be the various ways it is.

That said, I think we may be putting the cart before the horse here: have you two talked in depth at all about how you have been feeling, and what you think you might really want for yourself and this relationship, as honestly as you have been here? If not, I'd say that is your best next step, paired with asking him to share how he has been feeling honestly with you.

[OhHeckDatGurl]

I have talked with him about this. I told him it's not about him, I don't want to break up with him, but I'm concerned since this is my first relationship. He mostly just listened and we agreed I'm anxious and self-destructive--which is the reason I'm in therapy now. I went later today, and there's so much going on right now, I didn't have time to mention any of this yet. We mostly talked about how to stop me from continuing to pull my hair (which is irrelevant, but a not-fun fact about me).

After giving it some thought, I don't think I want to break up with him, I think I just want to learn how to be more independent in general, mostly. And I want to experience more romantic relationships, but I like the relationship I have, too. Which is where the idea for being poly came in. I want us to keep dating, but I also want to date other people--does that make sense? And so now it feels like I have two options: break up with him and start experimenting (don't want), or keep dating him and feel like this thing is going to continue to weigh on me (also don't want).

[Heather]

Here's a (mostly over it most of the time but after a long time) hairpuller fistbump for you, if it helps. That can be such an isolating thing. (I do also have feelings about how great an idea it sometimes isn't to have a partner,if and when they're in more than just a support role, super involved in something that's ideally a mostly-therapist thing, but you're not asking for that. If you're interested though, let me know and I'd be glad to share.)

I understand the bind you're feeling, and I'm sorry that it's a spot you find yourself in. I wonder if maybe, for right now, there's not a third path that's also in the mix, that strikes me as a probably-good choice anyway? That'd be spending the time right now, while still in this relationship you don't want to leave or massively change, to grow that independence, and then see how that feels, including with how you feel about these varied things you want?

It seems to me that becoming more emotionally independent is a thing you want and need regardless, and that would also be something very important to grow if you're going to start dating and/or have the relationship you're in be what and how it's right for you. And that you'd probably want to start doing before dating regardless, you know?