sexuality?????

[redredred]

5th grade was the first time i'd ever questioned my sexuality. i thought i was bisexual. as time went on, i'd played with other labels and have changed it a few times. since last year i've been comfy with panromantic and asexual. i'm certain on my romantic orientation but very recently there's been some things causing me to question my asexuality. i had never felt sexual attraction before and was pretty happy that there was a word for that. but then this guy who i'm pretty sure im in love with said hes in love with me and hes the only one who's ever made me feel what i guess people would call turned on. we did some sexual things over the past few days and i feel like i kinda get what everyone is talking about when they talk about sexual attraction. but i still feel really connected to asexuality and feel kinda grossed out thinking about sexual things with anyone else or myself. i guess i could be demi but everyone says that isnt real and i dont want to be some sort of "special snowflake".

[al]

Hi there redredred, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm glad that you're taking the time to think about how you feel about your sexuality. The truth is that each of us has a different understanding of our own identity, and that can change over time.
If you feel like you connect with the label of asexuality, that's great! But a label is just that - a label. One word isn't going to be able to convey all of the nuance of your sexual (or asexual) aspects as a human being, just like anyone else. In fact, there's a whole spectrum and umbrella of asexuality that encompasses a wide variety of folks who experience sexual attraction a lot of the time, only in certain circumstances, or not at all. If you haven't read it already, you might find Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer helpful! There are some other great ace resources listed towards the bottom of the article.
You also said you were considering the label demisexual, but it seems like you've gotten negative feedback from other people about that identity/orientation before. Let me be the first to tell you that demisexuality is a real thing, and identifying that way doesn't mean that you're a "special snowflake" or that you're making something up for attention. The word "demisexual" is just another way of describing how someone might experience or not experience sexual attraction, and I'm sure that if we had those people to describe how they experience sexual attraction, they might have particular preferences and boundaries that are unique to them. Or as I like to say, none of it is made up, because it's all made up.

You mentioned that you connected romantically and sexually with someone new recently. How are you feeling about that? Would you feel comfortable sharing more about how spending that time with him made you feel, and what your thoughts are about potentially seeing him again in the future?

[redredred]

thank you so much for your response. i hadnt seen the basics of asexuality thing before and will definitely read it!

and about your questions, i see him everyday and he stays at my house a lot of the time because of his issues at home. hes been my best friend since i met him and we have a special little friend group with two other people. spending time with him is just absolutely mind blowing. he has this amazing mind, and though i dont exactly have much to compare it to, he's amazing at all the more sexual stuff. when we do those sexual things i just feel freaking great and in love and it all feels so right and perfect. if it were up to me id see him everyday for the rest of my life. that sounds a little extra but i realize i gotta be honest about how i feel.

[redredred]

so after reading that thing on asexuality, i realize i dont think i really feel sexual attraction and its more arousal with one specific person. would i still fall under the asexual umbrella?

[Jacob]

Hi redredred,

I think you fall under that umbrella ish! I say 'ish', because I'm not sure it even needs to be an "in vs out" thing.

I don't think there needs to be strict decisions on who counts or doesn't count under the umbrella... The fact that you feel an affinity to it is because you identify with so many of the feelings and pressures that asexual people and an ever changing asexual community have described.

You haven't stopped having those experiences or stopped being affected by them just because you are having new experiences.

It sounds like having a word for it, and identifying with asexuality has been helpful for you!

How are you feeling now?