Scarleteen

Hello!

My bf and I started having sex a couple of weeks ago. We use condoms every time and I am on the pill and am rigorous about taking it on time every day.

Every time we have sex, tho, he struggles keeping an erection, which makes sex in any position very difficult. Sometimes as soon as the condom is on and fit perfectly he starts to lose it, so we have to stop things and maybe start again after a while. He feels very ashamed and angry at himself for not being able to last. He is wondering if maybe he needs to see a doctor for erectile dysfunction, but I tell him that I think it's kind of premature to do that (he's in his 20s). My bf is overweight and I tell him that I think this is an issue that exercise and a healthier lifestyle will fix. Other than that he's very healthy, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs and doesn't drink often. He masturbates often, so he also blames the ED on that. Could that be a factor?

Is there anything specific that he or we can do so that he can last longer? Other than regular exercise?

Now on the emotional side, is there anything I can do to help him feel better about himself? I love him and it doesn't bother me that we have this problem and I don't think any less of him for it. I'm really not taking this as a negative thing, I am very understanding and I've explained this to him. I am wondering if there's anything else that I can say/do for him to keep him from bashing himself every time this happens.

Thank you so much!

Hi BettyBoop,

In younger folks, difficulty maintaining an erection is often from stress or other mental factors rather than physical ones. Frequent masturbation is not a cause, and neither really is lack of exercise. You can read more about some of the other potential culprits here: ED: Why You Don't Have to Get So Down About Not Getting It Up.

It sounds like your boyfriend is falling into a a pattern that often hits when a person has trouble maintain an erection: they get down on themselves about it, worry about it happening again the next time they try to have sex, and in turn generate stress that's going to make an erection even harder to maintain in that moment. So, one of the best things he can do is to find ways to not put that pressure on himself, and not see a lost erection as something to be angry at himself over. For your part, it sounds like you're already doing a lot of the right things: letting him know you're not upset by it and that it doesn't change how you feel about him. The more you can help him frame it as not a big deal, the less stressed he's likely to be about it.

Something that can also help with that mindset is a suggestion from this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... t_can_i_do

Why not look at times when erection isn't happening as an opportunity, rather than a problem? When and if that happens again, then consider it a time to explore other things and other ways of having sex and being physically intimate which you might not otherwise, or which you might not spend as much time with when you do have an erection and you both do want intercourse?

Does that sound like something the two of you could try?

Thank you very much!! We’ll try this out and I’ll keep supporting him in that manner. Thanks again!

You're welcome!