Exploration with cousin as kid

[helpneeded]

So I've been thinking lately about my childhood and trying to figure out why I am always thinking about sex even though I am 21 and have never had sex. I have always been very interested in it ever since I was a kid. Me (female) and my cousin (male) used to fool around, I can't really quite remember how old we were, I think 6 or 7. We used to kiss (like open mouth) and he used to play with my chest (touch and suck) even though there was nothing on my chest yet. It seems like we knew the type of sensations we were trying to feel but its crazy how we could have been doing this at such a young age. I think I might have even played around with another male family friends penis before (possible put my mouth on it) around this age as well. I also used to pay with my female cousinss boobs when we had sleep over ( with my mouth and they would do the same). Its really hard for me to say these things and I feel extremly disgusted that I used to do these things. I stopped participating in these activities after my sister walked in on me and my cousin playing around. At this point I'm really trying to fighure out and understand why I was doing these things at such a young age, its beginning to terrify me. How did I pick these things up??..I have an idea of where I might have started learning (I remember watch tv in parents room late at night and there was something similar to late night porno playing on the tv) about these things but when I think back to it I believe I might have know that those things were not right. It scares me to think that something deeper in my past may have led me to have all these sexual urges.

[Jacob]

Hi there helpneeded,

So sorry that you've been having all these troubling thoughts about yourself and your own sexuality, it can really upsetting at times to try and make sense of childhood sexualities in a world that is not so great at dealing with either childhood or sexuality in general.

For me I think it's worth just taking a second glance at just the idea you bring up that there must be something wrong to have been sexual at 6 or 7... From what you say it sounds like might have got some extra ideas from seeing some late-night tv, but I'm going to add that it wouldn't have been completely out of the norm for some exploration to have happened anyway. As children we are often curious about our bodies, those of other children, and with the sexual imagery we might notice around us and attempt to explore those things to make sense of them. It doesn't mean we're broken or that there is necessarily anything wrong with us.

There might be discomfort looking back, because childhood is a vulnerable place, where abuses can happen and seeing the situations we were in, with a bit more hindsight can be jarring with what we know as adults. But that doesn't mean that it was actually harmful.

There are plenty of theories about how children develop sexually, but really everyone is different... and often we go our own way.

I also hear you saying that having lots of sexual thoughts as an adult makes you think that something is wrong too, but that isn't really something that I feel is a problem in itself either, but the fact that it's upsetting you doesn't sound pleasant at all.

In all of this I get a sense that you are a bit unhappy about your sexuality and sex life and that your childhood is one place you've been searching for answers, does that sound fair? So I'm wondering if there's more to the issues (if any) you're experiencing now which you'd like to talk about?

You say that you think about sex a lot... is that in itself something you enjoy, or are they thoughts you don't want to be having?