recovering from rape in a relationship

[jbt2458]

Bottom line is from experiences with rape/assault, I have started feeling very degraded and objectified during sex with my current boyfriend. My ex raped me after he found out i had cheated on him, and it was very traumatic because he was the first person id ever actually felt comfortable with after being raped when i was younger. Even as a kid when i first learned about intercourse(penetration specific) I felt disgusted and vulnerable. I'm very perfectionist, i never feel like im good enough, and i felt the need to study sex, to learn to be good at it. So i started watching porn, and got even more disgusted by sex. It looked so aggressive and degrading. It looked like my sexual assault. Basically, Ive always felt a sense of shame and disgust with sex.

Now im dating someone else, and at the beginning of the relationship, our sex life was great. i felt free and open to pretty much anything. We've started being long-distance, and i feel like its changed our sex life because when i do see him, it seems like he only cares about having sex, not connecting with me as a human. Lately ive started feeling kind of grossed out by sex. It feels degrading again, and whenever he tries to have sex with me i get really nervous and i feel like i cant tell him no. He tells me its completely ok if i dont want to have sex, and he wants me to tell him what i want. but im nervous, because a lot of the stuff we used to do, i am disgusted by now. and i dont want him to think that he was making me miserable the whole time, so i dont know what to tell him. I dont know what i like, because internally i always feel like im supposed to please him, and also i dont ever want him to feel pressured to do something. Because penetration doesn't do much for me right now. It seems like he likes the more aggressive sex, and right now i feel so degraded and objectified by that. Its just anytime im not facing him, or really just when i think about sex, i just keep feeling my ex's hand shoving my face into the bed. I dont know how to get past this. And when i try to talk to him about it he gets really upset and says he feels like i think hes a monster. I just wish i could start over and learn about sex from a fresh perspective. I dont know how to grow through this together. I dont like that I'm connecting past feelings to him, because he isn't degrading or rude in anyway, its just my internalized fears.

[Sam W]

Hi jbt,

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of incredibly difficult emotions on top of the trauma from the previous assault flaring up, and asking for help is a huge step in caring for yourself. Those wishes, that you could rewrite your own history with sex, or that trauma would stop influencing your relationship, are incredibly common for survivors. If sex, or certain types of sex, are upsetting to you, you have every right to tell your partner your those boundaries (and every right to take him at his word when he says he'll be okay with you saying no).

You mention not feeling sure how to tell him about all this, and that he's reacted poorly to some things you've said about it in the past. Can you give me a sense of how much of what you've shared here with us you've also shared with him? Are there particular parts of explaining it that you feel would be really difficult when talking to him?

Can you give me a sense of how much support, if any, you've received or are receiving around the assaults? That could be from professionals like therapists or rape crisis centers, or from friends or family.

[jbt2458]

I've tried to talk to him about how i need sex to be more personal, and that I need to feel more valued and special as a person, not just an object to have sex with. He isn't really very experienced sexually, and I think sometimes he thinks that sex is all about the vagina. So i tried to tell him that I need more foreplay kind of stuff, and i've tried to show him from what i do with him. But when i tell him that, he focuses on the part where i dont feel special or I get nervous because he thinks its about him, but its not. Its about my past, not him. When I last tried to talk to him about it, it was over the phone because i wanted to try to communicate it before i visit him so that hes aware of how im feeling, instead of telling him after sex or something and making him feel guilty. But then he wouldn't talk to me the next day at all and it made me feel guilty for telling him how i felt. he said he was upset about something else, but i still felt really rejected from that.

I haven't gotten much support. my ex actually was really involved in trying to get me help. He got these self-help books, and tried to get me to go to support groups, but i felt really pressured and not ready for that. My mom found out i had been raped as a a kid when she read my journal, and that created a very unhealthy relationship where I just constantly felt like my privacy was violated and i felt really ashamed. She got really upset with me, told my dad, and tried to force me to doctors. I'm a very private person, and i havent had the courage to go to a therapist. In fact, my current boyfriend only knows about my past because my ex told him. So i didn't even have autonomy in chosing how to tell him.

[Sam W]

Okay, so it sounds like you actually have been putting a lot of effort into trying to explain what you need and how you're feeling to him and like he's not handling well when you do. Giving a partner the silent treatment because they try to set boundaries or talk about what they need to feel safe and wanted during sex is really, really not okay (maybe it really was about something else, but I have to say my gut says it was likely about your conversation with him). It's also a terrible foundation for a sexual relationship (and really a relationship in general). How do you feel about your relationship with him overall? Is he usually respectful of boundaries? Does he often sulk or react negatively when you disagree with him or when things don't go how he wants?

I also want to offer you this question: what if you asked him to take sex, or the types of sex that you are not comfortable with, off the table entirely? How do you think that would go?

I'm so sorry that on top of the other ways people have violated your consent and autonomy you were not even given the choice to tell your partner about your past on your own terms. If therapy isn't something you feel quite ready for, would you be open to connecting to a local resource for rape crisis survivors, maybe calling their hotline if they have one? Healing from trauma can be a really tough process, and you deserve the change to put together a set of resources to help you get through it.

[jbt2458]

He's really actually a very caring and good person. We were best friends for a few years before we ever got together, and we click really well. Our relationship was pretty low stress before it became long distance, which is when i started feeling a little bit more insecure. I think a lot of the issues are from my side of a long past of insecurity. He doesn't sulk, i just think he really struggles to understand that my issues aren't connected to who he is as a person. When i try to communicate my needs, he feels like hes a bad person for not already doing the things i need. but he makes me feel really loved, i just am telling him that helps me feel more valued in a relationship, especially now that we are long distance and its harder to connect.

Whenever i tell him that im nervous about sex, he says we dont have to have sex. I honestly feel a lot of times that he just is a product of society's teaching that men have to seduce women and he forgets that my experience doesn't make seduction a good thing, instead it feels like pressure. He's good when i panic during sex, he stops and makes sure im ok. but i think he forgets that even if im not panicking, im still dealing with consequences of the assaults. He's really just not good at communicating, so when i try to talk to him about things, he doesn't really say how he feels.

[Sam W]

Those details are all extremely helpful, thank you. It sounds like what might be useful is for him to take some time to learn about how to support your partner if they're a sexual assault survivor, as well as how to communicate both about sex and about emotions in general. As you hinted at, men grow up with some pretty messed-up or unhelpful ideas about relationships. But, they can also take steps to unlearn those ideas and in place of them learn the skills, like communicating about feelings, to create better relationships. If it would be helpful, we could share some resources on those topics that you could then share with him. Have the two of you had a conversation lately where you've gone over what you each want, don't want, and maybe want during as part of being sexual together?

How are you feeling about some of the options I laid out early about finding you some things to enrich your support networks? We could also start out with some books or other websites for survivors, even if it's just some titles you can keep in your back pocket if you decide you want to check them out later on.

[jbt2458]

Those resources sound really helpful. I don't want to be pushy with him, but i would appreciate if he did more external reading to try to understand my point of view. I have tried to talk to him about what he likes, but he doesn't really say much. When we have sex he tends to be more dominant, like he changes the positions, and kind of directs the whole thing, which i dont have a problem with, so he says he thinks its obvious what he likes because he tends to be more assertive during sex. He asks a lot what i like, but its really hard for me to think of the right words to use, and honestly i dont really know what i like, and i get uncomfortable actually talking about the mechanics of sex.

I have read some support books/articles about recovering, and ive tried RAINN's online hotline, but calling and actually talking about it always gives me pause. i have been trying to take more responsibility and be more proactive about my recovery rather than just waiting for feelings to go away

[Sam W]

Okay! So, let's start out with a few articles may help you two communicate about sex in general: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist . The yes, no, maybe article can be really helpful to go through. Some people like to do it together, but in your case it might be best if you each did it separately and then compared your answers. Does that sound like something you could ask him to do?

As for resources related to healing from the assault, and his supporting you in that, he might want to take a look at this page for starters: https://pandys.org/secondarysurvivors.html

It's a huge step to start looking for ways to address the aftermath of an assault, and you deserve to feel proud of yourself for doing so. You are, of course, more than welcome to keep getting support here and we'll do our best to help you out. That same organization I mentioned above, Pandora's Project, may be really helpful for you as well: https://pandys.org/ In addition to a lot of articles, they also have forums where survivors offer peer to peer support. We could also help you find some resources in your area. Even if you're not ready to call or visit them yet, knowing where they are and how to get a hold of them can be incredibly helpful. Heather also offers some really excellent advice, along with book and resource recommendations in this column: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... nd_assault

[jbt2458]

I've been trying to do the list thing because its harder for me to vocalize some stuff because even just talking about it makes me feel degraded/disgusting sometimes. Im hesitant because i dont like making a big deal out of sex and overthinking things and i dont know if he would be receptive to it. It just feels really personal and sensitive to me and like it would make him uncomfortable.

I'll definitely check out those website.

[Sam W]

I hear you. When you're healing from sexual trauma, one of the things you may be dealing with is the fact that talking about sex is enough to set off the feelings left over from the assaults. Sometimes going through a list like that can help you find where the boundaries are or express them to a partner. However, if you're finding talking about the list or even going through it yourself is generating those feelings, that may be a sign that dialing back on sexual activity or setting some serious limits around it is in order. Needing to talk about boundaries and likes/dislikes isn't making a huge deal out of things; really, it's a basic part of being ready to be sexual with other people. But even if it was a big deal? You get to make a big deal out of things that directly effect your well-being.

You're right that going through lists like this with a partner can be personal and sensitive. But being sexual with another person is a process that is deeply personal. Part of the intimacy needed to develop positive sexual experiences is being willing and able to talk about sex as well as do it, even if those talks feel awkward or vulnerable at first. If you ask and your partner is uncomfortable even going through or talking about those lists, then that's a sign he may not be in a place where he's as ready for sex as he thinks he is. Does that make sense?