Scarleteen

I'm a girl who feels attracted to gay men more than to straight men. I get turned on by them and my sexual experiences with my straight sexual friend with benefits who's been attractive to me are nothing compared to what happens to me when I'm near a gay friend of mine. This friend is the hottest man to me. He is like a person full of characteristics that I would never want to miss. Also there are others that I don't know very well and feel attracted to that have made me think and feel that I would really need to find one of them who is bisexual to have the chance to have a sexual experience. And then I realise how difficult that would be and that I could get emotionally in risk. Specially for my self-esteem as maybe they would normally be into men more and I would feel disappointed about me being attractive. I write here because this part of me is becoming a kind of weight especially when I can't help thinking about how stimulating in mind, personality and sexually are some gay men to me and how it is lowering my attraction toward my friend with benefits and toward many straight men I've met. Can you help me understand myself a little better on this? Do more women feel like this? Should I try to have sex with someone who could be bisexual?

Hi Peaceful Light and welcome to Scarleteen,

I'm going to answer your last question first. Should you have sex with someone who is bisexual? If you find someone who you're attracted to and whose attracted to you who wants to have sex, then sure. But, and this is a very big but, only if you're attracted to them as a whole person and not solely because they are bi. After all, it can feel really unpleasant to discover your partner is only interested in you because of one part of your identity (be that sexual orientation, race, etc), because it makes you feel like an object or blank slate that they're projecting all of there beliefs about people like you onto. Gay and bi men are as diverse as any other group of people, and saying you're attracted to them as a category erases all of that. And that's before we get to the fact that there wouldn't be anything automatically different about having sex with a bi man vs having sex with a straight one; any difference would be due to the individual people involved and how well they meshed with you sexually, not their orientation.

Too, if you ever do date or develop a sexual relationship with someone who is bi, you should do so only after unpacking some of myths about bisexuality that you're carrying with you (I recommend this article as a starting place: Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz ). For instance, dating a bi man is not more inherently risky to your emotions, that's a common misconception that exists about bi folks. A bi man who wants to be your partner is not going to be less attracted to you because you're a woman. After all, bisexuality is about finding multiple genders attractive, you know?

I also suggest you be very mindful of how you act around your gay friend who you're attracted to. If you're giving off a bunch of signs that you're into him (touching him more than normal, being flirty, etc) that could actually make him really uncomfortable and feel like you're not respecting his orientation.

Since you're looking to understand where these feelings are coming from, there are a few questions to ask yourself. For starters, are there qualities you associate with queer men that are particularly attractive to you? If so, what's stopping you from seeking out a straight man with those qualities? Are there things you need or want that you aren't getting in your current relationship that you assume a gay or bi man would have? Is there something about the off-limits nature of gay men that appeals to you?