I was sexually assaulted when I was 12

[Mikalah]

March of 2016 I was on a trip with my mom over in San Diego, she had some business meeting. We stayed at a nice hotel. I remember the day before we were in the city doing a ton of fun shopping and just enjoying the day. But the one morning I was up early and just decided on going down to the lobby for breakfast. Tossed on some jogging shorts and a t-shirt, nothing else. It was a nice hotel, good food, no problems. Got back in the elevator and some guy entered right behind me. I was on the 4th floor, I remember he was on the 3rd. I was leaning against the wall, had my headphones on listening to Shake it Off. The guy ended up pushing me up against the wall, his arm up against my chest, his right hand grabbing my right breast, and his left hand between my legs. I remember his face right up against mine, I remember the smell of his breath. He tried to get a finger in me but I kept my legs closed. It lasted maybe just a few seconds. Door opened and he got off the elevator. All I did was stand in the corner of the elevator and tried to breathe properly. I ended up going back down to the lobby and went into the restroom and found a stall and just sat down. Never told my mom, never did anything. I remember the guy was kinda bald in the back, I remember he had a white t-shirt on, but that is all I remember of him. I am sure he was watching me when I was eating breakfast but I don't know that for sure. I remember that night looking in the mirror and seeing this red hand mark on my right breast. This was all 3 years ago, I was 12 at the time, and I was very naive. I know I did nothing wrong but I also know the t-shirt I had on was somewhat revealing, I had no bra underneath and I am sure I was showing everything but I never thought about it. I don't trust anybody and I somewhat stay on the outside of everything. Had a boyfriend last year, ended up doing it with him and I did not enjoy it and wished I never did it. I don't like the month of March, it sucks with the memories. I think everything I just said came out as a big rant but I felt like saying something about it. I did a search on google and found this place and figured WHY NOT!

[Siân]

Hi Mikalah,

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I hear that you're blaming yourself a little but I want you to know it's not your fault. Whatever you're wearing, it's never your fault if you get assaulted - the blame lies 100% with the person that decided to do this to you.

I'm glad you found us and were able to share your story. It sounds like you have a whole lot of hard feelings around this - and no wonder - have you ever looked into speaking to a therapist or counselor? Some support in dealing with and processing those thoughts and memories might be helpful right now. What do you think? How can we best support you right now? We could talk about ways of accessing care, about making a plan with you about what you'd like to do now, or listen if you just want a safe space to share.

[Mikalah]

I just wanted to speak, just felt like doing it. I try and tell myself that I am lucky or that it was no big deal but that never works. It could have been worse is something I say to myself all the time. I don't need a therapist.
I just always wished I pushed the alarm button on the elevator. that would have been nice. That elevator had a camera, and that guy would have been gone.
I remember seeing an police officer with San Diego that afternoon and how I desperately wanted to say something. I didn't.
Never been in an elevator since! Always take the stairs. I was at the dentist last month, the office is on the 7th floor, and I still took the stairs. My mom was with me and I told her I was keeping fit.

[Heather]

It's very common, during sexual assault -- or even before it starts, but when some part of us knows it's coming -- for victims to literally freeze up. It's just something that happens during the shock of it all. That can mean, for instance, that even when we see something like an alarm button or a person who could help, our bodies and brain just won't get it together to fully take that information in or push it because of what that trauma or incoming trauma can do to the way we function.

I'm also a survivor of sexual assault at that age, Mikalah. I'm sorry it happened to you, too, but like Siân, I'm glad you found a safe place you feel able to talk about it. Just being able to do that can help a lot. <3

[Mikalah]

Thanks Heather!
It was nice just typing my story out. I wish I could find the guy who did this and just SCREAM AT HIM!
The thing with my XBF was mostly pressure from him. I felt like I would feel better doing it but that didn't work.
I don't have any bf right now but I have a boy interested in me. Nice guy, I just don't trust him or myself.

[Heather]

I totally get it. (And sometimes, IME, it feels cathartic to go ahead and role-play that on paper or in our heads. Obviously it's not likely as satisfying as it would be to do in a way where that person was there, but it still can do a thing emotionally.)

With this person interested in you -- assuming you're also interested in them -- you get to take as much time as you want or need to build trust with someone, always. You'd get that even if you weren't a survivor, but because you are, you should figure you have all the more reason to afford yourself as much as you need when it comes to building trust.

[fading_west]

I know this post from Mikaylah is a year old but it gave me the courage on writing my story on here. I also had something like this happen to me in an elevator, nothing happened and the guy never did touch me, but I remember him looking down at me and keeping his eyes on me. It was maybe 5 years ago but it still feels like yesterday.

[Karyn]

Hi, fading_west. I'm glad that reading Mikaylah's story was helpful to you. Is there anything in particular about your experience that you wanted to talk about? (If not, that's okay, sometimes just getting it off your chest can be helpful!)