Scarleteen

hi i’ve read a lot of posts but i’m still frustrated with my situation and i’m hoping someone can explain to me what’s going on. i’m 16 years old and can only remember reaching orgasm once before in my life and i was 10 (when i didn’t even know what masturbation was). for years i’ve been trying to masturbate but every time i get nothing out of it. no excitement no pleasure. i’ve tried touching my clitoris i’ve tried rubbing the area around it i’ve tried so many things and every time i come away from the experience feeling dejected and annoyed. the most i’ve ever gotten before is a slight pressure but i just had to use the washroom to pee?
i’ve got a boyfriend now (it’s still new ish) but it’s serious enough that we’ll probably start trying stuff together soon. i’m worried about what will happen(maybe nothing at all?) i don’t know what to do and i’m scared. what if we do stuff and instead of coming i pee? what if nothing happens? is it possible i can’t orgasm at all??
i want to do stuff, it’s not like the thought of it repulses me or anything, and i get turned on i just can’t do anything about it and every time i just end up just waiting for it to go away.
please help

Welcome to the boards, winnierose. I'm glad to try and help you with this.

I'm going to start by asking you a few questions so I can get all the information we generally need to figure out the best way to help in these situations:
1) Before you start trying to masturbate, when you do, are you already feeling pretty turned on? If so, do you stay feeling that way, or does it stop for you once you start? If you aren't already turned on when you go to start masturbating, can you tell me a bit about what you feel like motiovates you to masturbate?
2) Do you have any kind of sexual trauma or shame in your life history, like sexual abuse or assault or religious sexual shaming?
3) Per the idea of trying sexual things with the boyfriend you have now: is that something you *want* to do or something you feel like you have to do?

1) sometimes i’m kind of turned on and sometimes i’m not. i don’t often feel like i HAVE to masturbate though i rarely feel that way actually. most of the time when i try it’s because i’m curious to feel what it would feel like to orgasm. most of the time when i already feel turned on and i try to madturbate it goes away after 5-10 minutes because i get frustrated that its not turning me on? does that make sense?
2) i’ve never been sexually abused but there has been some mild religious shaming. i didn’t even know masturbation was a thing until the very end of grade 8 and even then i didn’t try until last year because i always felt guilty. i’ve tried letting go of that but nothing has changed when i masturbate. even when i’m relaxed and alone and not stressed it still does nothing
3) with my boyfriend i don’t feel forced or anything like he’s never put pressure on me. and oral sex and sex in general are things i want to do but i don’t feel turned on by the thought like i feel like people talk about in movies and books and tv shows and even sometimes in real life. this has made me wonder if i’m asexual but i really don’t think that’s the case. i definitely get up in my head and overthink but i don’t think that’s what’s stopping me necessarily from having an orgasm

Hi Winnierose,

Thank you for that additional information!

When we're masturbating, or engaging in sex with a partner, if we're not mentally as well as physically turned-on the experience is likely to be less pleasurable. You can read about why that is here:With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

If you're not feeling turned-on when you start masturbating, or you stop feeling that way pretty quickly, that may be a reason why this isn't feeling that good to you. Too, frustration with yourself is a great way to kill any remaining arousal. What if, the next time you masturbated, you took time to get turned-on and then took the pressure off yourself of masturbating needing to feel a specific way? Does that feel like something you could do? You could also, if you haven't already, experiment with other ways of masturbating to see if those create more enjoyment for you (you can find some ideas on how to do that here: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation).

When you think about sexual things, is it that you don't get aroused at all, or more that you don't get aroused to the level you think other people do? And doe you find yourself experiencing sexual attraction to people?

thanks for the additional reading i’ll get on that asap. in reference to your questions typically when i get aroused it’s not to porn. porn doesn’t do anything for me and i think it’s because it’s so obviously fake? i’m not sure if that makes sense. nor does thinking about a sexually situation with a person, or at least that’s not enough. like i’ve never seen someone and been like wow i’m so sexually turned on. usually it’s more some of the stuff that i read or art? i’m not sure if that’s weird but it feels more real? and i don’t think i get aroused to the same level as others but i’m wondering if that’s because i’m subconsciously stopping myself?

i hope that answers all your questions. it’s not like i don’t want to feel sexually aroused, i really do, and i want to enjoy that kind of thing with myself and with partners i just feel like there’s something wrong

You're welcome! And nope, there's nothing weird about preferring one type of sexual media (or one type of fantasy) to another. Heck, even if there was, you'd still get to have that preference because we're each the boss of our own sexuality. When you say you think you might be unintentionally stopping yourself from getting aroused, can you say a little more about why you think that? For instance, do you notice yourself getting aroused during masturbation and suddenly feeling part of your brain pulling away from those feelings? And do you feel like some of those messages from your upbringing are maybe still bringing up guilt when you masturbate?

I hear you saying you've never seen someone and felt turned on by them. Does that include your partner?

i do feel like part of my brain is pulling away when i masturbate but only after a few minutes of trying to completely focus on feelings of “pleasure”. i get frustrated that nothing is really happening and that’s when part of my brain starts pulling away. i feel like maybe some of those messages from my upbringing are maybe still there a bit? but i feel like over the last couple years i’ve done a decent job of trying to invalidate them and instead validate other more positive messages about my body and masturbation.

in regards to never having looked at someone and feeling turned on yes that includes my partner. i’ve never just felt sexual attraction towards a person (or at least not that i can remember and identify) i feel like other people do that?

Got it. Can you tell me a little more about what messages from your upbringing might be in the mix? It's awesome that you've been doing work to unlearn them and learn more sex positive ones, but sometimes the messages we receive when we're younger can be stuck in our brains in ways we're not expecting and take extra work to kick to the curb.

If you're not experiencing sexual attraction and feel like it's not something you've ever experienced, have you ever read about asexuality to see if it matches with your feelings? Too, since it sounds like you're not sexually attracted to him, can you give me a sense of why you think you and your boyfriend will be trying sexual things soon?

i feel that it’s partially what wasn’t said opposed to what was. i straight up didn’t know sex was a thing until like middle school and no one ever said anything about masturbating so i never tried. my dads side is very religious so it was always about like saving it (when i did know about it) . it wasn’t even always just messages about sex but my body. my dad told me to go change out of baggy shirts into hoodies (bc i have big boobs and even in baggy shirts you could still tell) i was always being told to go change even if it was the middle of a saturday and i was in my pyjamas in my own house with no one but family around. so maybe it’s messages about that? making me feel uncomfortable in my own body that’s having an affect as well?

i don’t want to be asexual. doesn’t that make me not? i want to like sex and stuff. honestly i guess (and i don’t mean for this to sound conceited at all) but i think we’re having sex and trying stuff now because he’s sexually attracted to me? i don’t mind i mean it’s kind of nerve racking and not the mind blowing experience people talk about but it’s fine? it felt fine? but i don’t think i came anywhere near climax. it’s not like i’m craving it or anything like that.

Getting those kind of messages about your body can definitely leave you feeling disconnected from or ashamed of it. And feeling that way can make things like masturbation or partnered sex less pleasurable. Can you give me a sense of what kinds of things you've done to try and unlearn or counteract those messages you got?

With being sexual with your partner, sex is unlikely to feel great, or even good, if you're not attracted to the person you're having it with or you aren't feeling a desire for sex (it's also unlikely to be a great experience for your partner). So at a certain point it would be better to find other ways to express that intimacy or attraction you two feel for each other. Are there other things you do enjoy doing with your partner, like kissing or cuddling? What do you think would happen if you asked him to stick to things that are enjoyable, and not just "fine," for both of you?

As for being asexual, while not wanting to be a certain way doesn't automatically mean you're not that way, it sounds like you're not sure asexuality is the right term to describe how you're feeling. Given your age, it's possible that you just haven't met someone who you find sexually attractive. It's also possible that some of the messages you did, or did not, receive growing up are also playing a role here. Were attraction or desire spoken about negatively when you were growing up, or were they another topic that was never spoken about?

in regard to counteracting messages i’ve mostly just been doing a lot of reading that encourages like body acceptance and empowerment and that sort of thing.

i do enjoy cuddling and kissing is pretty good. and while intercourse feels good to me (a bit more than just “fine”) he really enjoyed it and reached climax so at least it’s more than just okay for him, right? and i don’t mind it’s just not on my mind all the time or my priority and i feel like at this age it’s supposed to be?

i thought that people who are asexual were really not interested (or even repulsed) by sex? correct me if i’m wrong. i want to enjoy sex so doesn’t that mean i’m not asexual? (again i could be wrong) i’ve felt turned on before but it’s not like i look at a person and just want to have sex. i find people attractive it’s just usually for qualities that aren’t just their bodies. sorry if this doesn’t make much sense i’m really confused about it all. i used to wonder (still do just a bit) if maybe i’m bi/pan or even just lesbian but maybe i just think that bc i have trouble thinking about finding a guy attractive in a sexual way? it’s easier for me to do that with girls for some reason?

but then i try to think about actually having sex with a girl and it seems just as good (or not good) as having sex with a guy and i have no idea.

Thank you for those additional details, they're quite helpful! To make sure I'm following right, it sounds like you do experience some desire for sex, just not the amount you assume you're supposed to? And when you've been sexual with him, you've felt some level or turned on, or not at all?

It might help to read this article, since it does a good job of outlining what it is to asexual: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer. That being said, it sounds like you do experience sexual attraction of a kind. And, more specifically, that you feel attraction to more than one gender. That certainly matches the definition of bisexuality and pansexuality. That being said, you get to the be the ultimate decider of what you label your sexual orientation (or if you choose to label it at all). When you think about being bi or pan, how does it make you feel.

I'm wondering if it might help with those feelings of confusion to give this article a read: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?. When you're going through that, are there certain circles of sexuality that jump out at you as matching how you feel?

i definitely think i could be bi or pan. i feel no confliction of any kind with thinking about girls as attractive. i definitely think that they are. so i’m totally open to that.

and yeah? i guess i do feel some desire for sex? just definitely not the same amount as i feel like i’m supposed to and i can’t tell if that’s just me getting inside my own head and overthinking bc of anxiety or if it’s bc i’m asexual but i super hope it’s not the latter. sex is such a big part of the majority of relationships and i want to feel that level of pleasure and intimacy. when i’m sexual with my boyfriend it’s nice i guess but kind of in the way a foot massage is ? like obviously slightly different sensations but it’s the same amount of “pleasure”

when reading the two articles you recommended i for sure want emotional intimacy. i don’t feel the need for “power”. none of the other ones super popped out at me. i had a thought, asexuals can get turned on and sex can physically feel good for them even if mentally they don’t want it at all right? for me it’s the complete opposite. could it be possible that there’s something clinically wrong with me? like if i could figure out a way for it to be physically good i’d crave it? i am a high anxiety individual and i have vulnerability issues so it makes sense right? should i talk to my doctor?

i’m so frustrated with all of this and i have no idea how to solve it. everything online says that i should have developed sexual interest by now and i know it’s different for everyone but and i can’t figure out if i haven’t because i overthink everything bc maybe be (and i really desperately hope i’m not) asexual or if i have and my anxiety is just preventing me from really feeling it

i want to desire sexual intimacy but for some reason i’m not REALLY

Something that may be going on is that you've internalized some ideas about how much you're "supposed" to want sex or think about sex. Have often people think about or want sex varies widely, and it may just be that you're someone who falls on the lower end of that spectrum. That's part of normal human variation, rather than a sign something is wrong with you. If you think about just you, specifically and not in comparison to anyone else, how would you describe your levels of attraction or desire for sex?

It's worth noting that anxiety may be playing a role here. Have you seen or are you seeing a mental healthcare provider, and have you received a specific diagnosis? I ask because anxiety on it's own can decrease a persons interest in sex. And if you then have specific anxiety around sex, such as worrying you're not experiencing desire the right way, it ends up being harder to experience the very desire or pleasure you're hoping for.

As for your questions about asexuality, some asexual people experience limited sexual arousal and attraction, and choose to act on it. Asexual people can choose to have sex for any number of reasons, just like sexual people can. That being said, someone being ace and not having sex in a relationship doesn't mean they can't go on to have happy, healthy relationships with partners. So even if asexuality were a factor here, it wouldn't automatically remove the kind of relationship you're hoping to be in as an option.

i probably am doing some comparing and you’re right that i should probably think less about what i’m “supposed” to want and feel so i’ll try to do my best to take that into consideration more. i want to say that i do have a sex drive that maybe while it hasn’t been directed at one specific person so much is at least a general feeling that i have felt before. i’ve never thought about how’d id describe my level of attraction or desire for sex before but i’ll do my best. i definitely feel attention. not always purely physical most of the time when i feel attraction towards another person it’s based of some of their personality being factored in as well. however meghan fox or river phoenix are both examples of people (celebrities) that i’ve only been attracted to for their appearances? so i guess that confirms that i can feel that way about some people? but it’s not like i found them physically attractive then thought wow they’d be hot to have sex with. i’m going to do a slight comparison to others in saying that i feel like a lot of teens don’t think that way and instead find someone physically attractive and their brains go to sexual intercourse. maybe i’m wrong

i do actually have clinically diagnosed anxiety so i guess that’s important to consider in my situation and maybe i should have mentioned that before.

That's all extremely helpful context, thank you! I will say that while some people definitely experience an attraction thought pattern that's "x person is hot, now I am thinking about sex with them" a lot of people experience something closer to what you do. Too, often times sexual attraction to someone is based on that mix of looks and personality that you describe. While some people experience sexual attraction based purely on physical traits, often it's more complex than that. This article goes into why that is in more detail: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... vs_lusting.

With your anxiety, are you currently seeing a counselor or otherwise receiving some kind of treatment (like medication)?