Masturbation

[pianolover]

I want to learn more about my body and what feels good to me but when I try masturbating it doesn't feel comfortable compared to someone else rubbing their fingers inside my vagina? I also want to consider getting a vibrator. I just feel uncomfortable in my home to use it. Usually someone is always home..

[Heather]

Well, it can be that what feels good with a partner aren't the same things that feel good to you in masturbation. For instance -- not saying this is automatically true for you, it's just one possibility -- a lot of people with vaginas who masturbate don't do so by putting their fingers or anything else inside their vaginas, but instead go with things like using their hands or toys more externally. Some of that is about leverage and angles (after all, someone else has a lot more flexibility with those things than you will, especially without toys for this purpose), some of it is about preference.

I understand the trickiness of toys in a shared home! The good news is that a lot of toys are pretty quiet these days. On the other hand, if you don't feel free with any of this with people home, period, that's a lot trickier. Is there anywhere in your house, or any time, when you feel like you have at least a window of privacy?

[pianolover]

Yes, there there is a little privacy. Its just feeling uncomfortable.. Like afraid of being judged or making anyone else feel uncomfortable if they knew what I was doing sort of thing.

[Heather]

Sure. If you live in a place where people aren't very relaxed about masturbation and other kinds of sex, it can be easy to feel uncomfortable like that.

That said, no one is likely to know what you're doing when you have that privacy, but it might take you some time to get there intellectually and emotionally. Can you think of anything that might make you more comfortable?

[ifallinluv2easy]

What do you mean by " can you think of anything that might make you more comfortable" ?

[Siân]

I can't speak for exactly what Heather was trying to get across when they asked that, but some things you might be able to think about are, e.g.:
- Would you feel more comfortable knowing that no-one else is in the house? If so, are there times when you're home alone?
- You say there is some privacy, so what makes you worry about other knowing what you're doing? What can you do about that?
- Where does the fear of judgement come from?

No-one can know just by being around you that you have/haven't been masturbating. If you have some quiet space in a private room - say a private bedroom or a bathroom that locks - there is usually no reason that anyone would know that you were using that space and time to masturbate unless you tell them. What makes you think they would know?

[pianolover]

Its in my head, I don't know.. I've had sex while those same people were in the house. I've also masturbated before. But moving to the next step with a toy makes me feel more vulnerable. I just imagine myself walking out and them sensing the new confidence and pride in myself.My mom thinks its normal when I asked how would she feel buying me a vibrator.. Its just me.. I feel ashamed of enjoying myself because a lot of beliefs but I'm ready to let go of them

[Sam W]

Hi Lostand_found,

When you say you feel ashamed enjoying yourself, can you say a bit more about those beliefs and what you think might help you let go of them?

It may help to know that, while masturbating (with a toy or without) can certainly leave you feeling relaxed or with some extra bounce in your step, the fact that you've done it isn't going to be apparent to another person unless you tell them or they saw or heard you while you were doing it. So, that particular fear is something that's simply not likely to happen.

[pianolover]

Well, I never really enjoyed "sex" with anybody, like It felt good physically but spiritually it was a disappointing an negative. I don't look at my sexual experiences negative because I have learned a lot from those experiences. But I just haven't experienced anything "good."
Also I don't feel like its "appropriate" because I feel like God is watching or someone is going to look at me and be disgusted or not like me because I enjoy touching myself or that I want sexual intercourse. When I find myself attractive or that I like someone, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Growing up I was punished physically and sometimes out of frustration and not for discipline. So when I'm around adults which i'm around a lot compared to being around my age group I feel powerless and less then. I have been molested by my father, babysitter, and a few of my previous partners. It's hard to honor those feelings of neglect and abuse and the feelings of wanting pleasure and having a positive experience .

[Sam W]

It sounds like there are several pieces of trauma from your past, on top of some spiritual beliefs, that are all playing a role in how your feel about masturbation.

Before we get into anything else I want to check: are any of the people who molested you still people you see or live with? And are you still physically harmed by anyone you're living with?

Figuring out how to honor your own feelings about the abuse while also learning how to have positive sexual experiences is something that comes up for a lot of survivors. I know we have a few resources to help people with that process. Would you be interested in those?

With the worries about God or something else judgemental watching, would it help to explore faith frameworks that don't view sex and sexuality as something shameful? It sounds like you're already trying to unlearn some of those messages about shame, which is a huge step, and there are resources to help you with that process if you're interested in them.

[pianolover]

Yes, I would be interested in the resources you mention. Thank you.
And no I don't see any of the abuses i do hear or see them hear and then but it is accident and not person when I see them.. Small town

[Heather]

Hey there, Lostand_found.

I'm sorry to hear more about all of this in terms of how hard some of this has been for you.

So, one of the things that's made me happiest over the last year at Scarleteen is that we have two writers doing some work here -- who I invited here -- whose work is literally all about sexuality negatively influenced by some kinds of religious thinking and approaches to sexuality. Their names are Emily Joy and Hannah Boning (and if you use Twitter or Instagram at all, they work together as @impurityculture on both those platforms). They're not the only people doing this work, either, and they're also a great resource for finding out more about all the other people doing this kind of work.

I don't myself come from this kind of culture. But my mother did, and I'm sadly all too familiar with some of its impacts (including on me, secondarily). And so, so many of our users, over the last decade, especially, have or do come from this, and struggle a lot with it. I have a lot of concern and compassion about this, so I'm very grateful to have this kind of help with this around here from two people who know more about it all more directly than I do.

Anyway, they've just gotten started here, but I want to share what they have already published with you, which I think will be useful to you. I also have a couple more things I can share, from myself and others, I think might help, including more specifically with reclaiming/healing/experiencing sexuality after abuse:
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/qa/we ... ationships
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... uality_sin
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... _virginity
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... mate_again
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... nd_assault
• The University of Alberta also has a good PDF with information on sex after abuse: https://www.ualberta.ca/current-student ... fe870.ashx . I've actually been drafting a framework for a whole series on this here, but unfortunately, we don't have it yet. In the meantime, I think theirs is very good as a place to start.

[pianolover]

Thank you

[Heather]

You're welcome. feel free to give a shout anytime if you want to keep talking about this, including about anything you read from that list. <3