Scarleteen

I’m 13 and female, and I’m usually fine with she/her pronouns, but sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m in the right body, and not even just gender wise. Some times I feel like I need a different face, or height, birthmarks, and sometimes I feel weird at the fact I have a body at all. Sometimes I do feel male-ish or non-binary, but when I think about identifying as gender fluid I feel fearful to just, uncaring (I think it’s also good to mention that I never picture myself as anything other then female in sexual/romantic contexts).
It’s weird, because those memes about wanting to be an “eldrictch” creature as a way of expressing being unsatisfied with your body really connect with me in a literal sense, sometimes, too. This also, I think, goes along with my strange desire for people to fear me. I have a friend who sometimes says I scare her, jokingly of course, and I always feel really happy at that. I’ve also wanted to hurt people, but all of these are fleeting thoughts that I know not to act on. When I’m more myself, I know these feelings of anger are shameful and I truly want to help people. However, the longing for a different body stays, and I have looked at getting those realistic vampire teeth and/or colored contacts. Even when I feel pride in my body in feels like I’m just wearing it. I know it sounds like I’m and edgy teenager on the cusp of a goth phase, but I really do feel a disconnect from my body and occasionally the physical, even other people’s bodies. Sometimes I feel like my friends must be just wearing their bodies too. What’s happening? (Sorry this was lengthy)

Hi The (great name!),

I want to leave you a message letting you know that I see you and read both of your posts. I don't feel that I'm the best person to address some of your questions -- someone else will be along with more knowledge in this area.

I can tell you, though, that your gender identity feeling fluid or influx is absolutely real and valid. It's great that you're thinking about these things and making space for yourself. Here is some reading to get you started, in case you haven't seen these yet:

Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer

Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer

Hi The,

If I'm hearing you right it sounds like the emotions you're dealing with have less to do with gender, specifically, and more to do with feeling very disconnected from, and dissatisfied with, your body (please correct me if I'm reading that wrong). Those feelings coupled with those thoughts about hurting people that, while it sounds like you'd never act on them, are causing you distress, are things that it would be best to address with someone like a counselor. When we're having distressing thoughts that recur and that we cannot shake, that's sometimes a sign that there's something deeper going on in terms of our mental health. Have you accessed, or are you accessing, that type of resource? If not, is it something you're open to trying?

It may also be worth it to take time to think about where some of those desires for a different body are coming from. We get so many messages about what "good" bodies should look like or how there's always something about our bodies that could be different and better. Do you think any of those are playing a role in how you feel?