Scarleteen

I'm curious about how y'all have handled situations in which you needed to put the brakes on, so to speak, during or around sexual intimacy with a partner.
Maybe you wanted to ask a partner to take a break from a certain kind of sex, or back up after agreeing to sex that felt not-so-great (emotionally or physically) when you actually got to it, or just to stop in the middle of things to catch your breath and sort your thoughts and emotions out a bit. We have an article about this: Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast and it has a lot about why someone might feel this way and how they might approach the issue with a partner, but I'm interested in hearing folks' experiences with practicing this in their own sexual lives.

Have you ever had a moment where you talked to a partner, either during sex or at another time, about backing off or slowing things down a bit? How did you frame that discussion? How did the other person react? Have you had a partner initiate this sort of conversation?

I'm not sure if this is an open discussion for normal users or just for staff/volunteers or not, so if I'm wrong then I apologize for butting in. But I've had this discussion with my boyfriend in the past. We've been dating almost a year now, and even though we've had sex, when we first started getting intimate I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. He's been my first (and vice versa) when doing anything sexual and when we first took those steps (going from touching under the shirt, under the jeans etc.) I was uncomfortable and stopped him before he even got under my shirt. Thankfully I lucked out an got an amazing boyfriend who didn't push or make me feel bad in any way and didn't try to do anything again until I was ready.

During our entire relationship, even before we got serious, we had multiple conversations about what sex means to us and how important we value it as. As in, we both didn't want our first time to be with someone we weren't deeply involved with and saw sticking around for the forseeable future, or a random hook up at a party. So we were both on the same page in those regards, which made things a lot easier. I never once felt pushed into anything I didn't want to do, and at one point I had a slight scare about something we had done (which from a conversation with a few Scarleteen staff/volunteers was cleared up.) we immediately talked and slowed down a lot. We've also sat down and talked about what we're both comfortable and uncomfortable with when it comes to sex, such as "doggy" (thankfully) we have both vetoed that and even if he hadn't, he completely understands where I stand on that matter and doesn't push. There have even been times the opportunity for sex has presented itself and he wasn't in the mood when I was, but we stopped anyways because as he never pushed me, I wasn't going to push him.

So while I don't know if any of this has helped, my honest opinion is that this conversation should be had by every couple. Even if you aren't serious, I believe you should eventually talk about how serious you want to become or even where you stand on those kinds of things. Talk about how you both view sex (whether it's how you want your first time to go, or expectations behind who it will be with such as a random hook up or someone you actually care for deeply etc.) Hope this helps answer your question.