Scarleteen

Hello!

Recently I decided to try and rekindle an old friendship with someone whom I've always gotten along and connected incredibly well (aka, similar interests, hobbies, likes), we just lost contact through the years and found different friend groups so we didn't talk much anymore. We continued to follow each other on every social media platform (or so I thought), so the way we reconnected again was very casual. He posted an instagram story of a song I'd been obsessed with that week so I took it as a "sign" and messaged him. It was all very easy and he invited me to hang out that same day. We saw each other and hit it off as if the time apart never existed. We caught up on everything we'd missed about our lives and even hung out again all day the next day (random fact: we live like 5 minutes away).
I was super happy about having this friend back in my life and then, out of curiosity I noticed something that literally made my heart drop: He had unfollowed me on instagram! And God knows since when. It really shook me for several reasons: sure, we hadn't talked for at least a whole year, but we never got into a fight whatsoever that could've caused him to unfollow me. Second, and most confusing of all, during the weekend we hung out, he uploaded instagram stories where he tagged me, etc.

After we hung out that weekend, we have stayed in touch consistently and have hung out at least once a week. He even went to my birthday party! So I'm in a big dilemma here because as much as I don't want the whole unfollow thing to be an issue, it weighs kinda heavy on me because I see it as my friend not being very interested on what happens in my life (considering how invested he is on his Instagram). Should I just keep ignoring that my friend unfollowed me on Instagram because he shows up IRL? Should I let him know I noticed? This is such an awkward situation, and i'd really appreciate your input.

Hi Kim_2704,

I'm wondering why whether your friend follows you on instagram is so important to you? We all approach social media differently, but for some it's normal NOT to maintain social media connections with everyone in their offline circles, or to unfollow people they haven't connected with in a while.

It sounds like your friendship is going great offline, and you're connecting well. You mention feeling like your friend doesn't care about what's happening in your life if he's not following you - does he show interest in your thoughts, interests and activities when you're hanging out?

I know it sounds so silly to feel conflicted about this! But I think I am letting this affect me because I see the importance he gives to keeping up with his Instagram, and literally posting about everything he does, and if I'm part of his life, shouldn't he just follow me again? Also, the way we reconnected was because of how easy it was to find something to talk about through instagram stories, if I had unfollowed him as well, our friendship would still be long forgotten. Having such a dear friend not following my day-to-day stuff kinda hits me in my insecurities, and I've even thought "what if i'm just not cool enough anymore"? I hate feeling this way, and I don't know how to get it out of my head because telling my friend I noticed he is not following me could get really awkward.

When we hang out it's only the two of us, so the most we do is talk and I do feel listened and cared for, but I still can't shake the resentment I feel.

Hi Kim,

It sounds a little like he uses Instagram to keep everyone apprised of what he's doing, but it's not the only thing he relies on when it comes to maintaining his friendships (since he's maintaining one with you without it). But it sounds like part of your brain is taking this as a bad sign and running with it in spite of evidence to the contrary. For instance, you worry that he thinks you're not cool enough, but he clearly thinks you're cool enough to spend time with in person. And it sounds like the friendship is going well overall, which suggests that whatever his reasons for unfollowing, he still wants that friendship with you. Does that make sense?

What do you think you would need to help shake that resentment? Time passing? A conversation? Teaching the less helpful parts of your brain not to latch on to those worries?