depressive girlfriend & a new crush

[tomatopotato]

My best friend is having her first girlfriend since three months. While everything was going quite well with her in the beginning, it has been quite rough for her since mayber a month. Her girlfriend sufferes from depression since her childhood and she is not taken care of professionally. Last month she considered committing suicide, which hit my best friend very hard. Lately she is thinking of breaking up with her, since her gf is not mentally stable at all, denies her freedom, is clingy and jealous. At least breaking up is what I am suggesting her, due to my friend not being happy at all anymore and the visible power balance between the two. Additionally my friend still sufferes from her traumatic past and cannot (and should not!) take complete responsebility for her gf´s mental health while her gf cannot support her at all and rather is a burden. While my friend recognizes the imbalance in her relationship, she is afraid of her gf comitting suicide after their break up and might fear reactions from her family and rumors rooted in biphobia. That is what´s holding her back.
Do you have any ideas how she can break up with her safely and how I can support her in planning the break up and afterwards, in making sure her gf does not hurt herself? How can I support my friend in taking care of her mental health?

To make the situation even more complicated, a guy seems to be quite interested in her, but is way to shy to express it. She quite likes him, too, and recognized it maybe two weeks ago. She does not really want to be with he gf anymore, but is ashamed for being interested in him, due to being in a relationship. I am not sure if she really likes him, or just feels like she HAS to, since he expressed interest in her. Or simply "uses" him as an "excuse" for herself to leave her gf. I am deeply worried that she might end one relationship and is rushing into the next, because she has problems with knowing her own desires, expressing them and acknowledging them as equally valuable. I firmly believe that you should get to know somebody well (and know yourself, too) befor deciding having a relationship, aswell as talking to somebody else about their ethics, principles and prefered relationship structures.
Additionally said guy is quite shy and harsh, since he is possibly very reserved about his feelings for her and tries to hide them by being slightly rude. We think it is not on purpose, he just seems shy and is quite a kind person to everyone else around. His behaviour simply makes her feel worthless, full of andrenaline, and like he does not like her at all. I know that since I had a major crush on him a few years ago, and since I know that being watched in genereal by somebody spikes my adrenaline and makes me clumsy, it might be the same for her? Therefore, not being really attracted to him but just being influenced by his staring and harshness, that she might be fearing him? I don´t know, but when I was attracted to him I was quite afraid of him aswell, due to him being so intelligent and having (theoretically) the power to hurt me since he seems to be annoyed by a lot reading his body language.

Which questions could I ask for making sure that she is doing what SHE really wants?
How do I figure out if he is a hurtful person?
How can I make sure she is not rushing from one complicated relationship into the other?
How can I use my experience of crushing on him to support her now?

[Sam W]

Hi tomatopotato,

It sounds like you care a lot about your friend, and that she trusts you enough to be open with you about what she's going through, all of which is great! One thing to keep in mind is that, while you can support her and offer your thoughts about what's going on, how she chooses to end (or start) her romantic relationships is up to her. That's helpful to remember both so that she doesn't feel like you're one more person trying to control her, and so that you don't take on too much responsibility for things you can't control.

Since it sounds like she's wanting to end the relationship with her girlfriend, some general tools that might help her with that can be found in this article: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking. Now, it sounds like she has two serious concerns that are making her hesitant to end a relationship that isn't making her happy. It's very common for people whose partners have expressed suicidal ideation to fear that breaking up with them will cause said partner to hurt themselves. If she thinks there's a genuine risk of that, she could tell someone in her girlfriends' family or friend group about that concern and suggest they check-in with her ex after the break up to make sure she's okay. More than that, it may help her to hear that it is not her responsibility to keep her partner from hurting herself. She may want to read what user Redskies wrote in this thread for a person with similar concerns: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic. ... elf#p26315.

Her worries about biphobia are a little harder to address without having more details about how they fit into this whole picture. Would she be willing to make an account here so we could discuss all this with her directly?

As for this other guy, I'd caution her against jumping into a relationship with him (too, has he actually said to her that he's interested in her?) Part of that is because we generally advise people to allow for a break between breaking up and starting a new relationship so they can take time to address their relationship with themself. But, more importantly, if the way he acts towards her makes her feel worthless she should not pursue a relationship with him. It's important to choose partners who make us feel good about ourselves, not people who make us feel bad or anxious.