Parents

[moonlightbae]

I recently started my sexual life and knowing me, I am a very anxious person. I want to have couple ECs if something goes wrong, but I am not sure how to get them so my parents wouldn't know. I know I can get them from e-shops, but do they pack it safely so no one will know? Thanks

[Sam W]

Hi softuris,

Having EC all ready to go in case you need it is an excellent precaution to take. Generally speaking, companies that send EC by mail are going to be discreet about it, but if you're worried you can always check for an FAQ on the company site that addresses it or contact the company and ask. Too, depending on the country you're in, you may be able to access EC in a store. This website is a great tool for finding out how to get EC where you live: https://ec.princeton.edu/get-EC-now.html.

Am I right in understanding that you don't want your parents to know about you being sexual, period? If so, can you tell me more about how you think they'd react if they found out?

[moonlightbae]

Yes, I don't want them to know that because they're pretty conservative, I guess. I suggest that they know already because my bf is older than me, so holding hands isn't the only thing we do, they should get that. In future, I wanna go on reliable birth control like pills or IUD, so I won't have to worry every time if something did go wrong with condom or something. Because now I do! But I definitely can't imagine their reaction if they found my ECs or pregnancy tests that I tend to buy for knowing for sure I'm not pregnant and to calm my anxiety (even when I know everything went fine, the condom didn't break or slip off completely).

[Sam W]

Got it. So, one thing to keep in mind is that even when we try our best to not have them find out, parents often do end up figuring out that we're sexually active. This article does a good job of breaking down why that is: Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals. If you feel like you genuinely can't risk them finding out, that may be a sign to hold off on being sexual for awhile.

If you're worrying every time you have sex that something went wrong, that's a sign that you and your partner may need to slow things down a little (or even a lot). Do you feel like that's a conversation you could have with him? And when it comes to getting on a second method of birth control, do you want to talk about ways you might be able to access that sooner rather than later?

[moonlightbae]

I think I am able to trust him with that conversation, but I don't like holding people on waiting...
we've been using condoms+withdrawal and we usually have sex on infertile days, so I can be sure that I couldn't get pregnant

[Sam W]

Can you tell me a little more about what you mean by not wanting to keep him waiting? Has he given you any indication that he's getting impatient, or is it more that you're worried about what will happen if you don't have sex with him? Too, when you say he's older than you, how large of an age gap is there?

You can see what the effectiveness rate for combining condoms and withdrawal in this article: The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method. Since it sounds like you're also trying to track your cycle, can you give me a sense of how you've been doing that? Are you solely tracking your periods, or are you also recording things like temperature and cervical mucus?

[moonlightbae]

Our age gap is 4 years. He doesn't push me to have sex with him nor he will leave me if I didn't have sex with him. I think it's just my anxiety, like what would happen if we took a break from our sexual activities. I know that he will understand me, cus he respects my wishes to be safe and sure that I'm not pregnant or something.
I've been tracking my cycle with charting cervical mucus and I can easily detect when I'm ovulating cus I have pretty regular cycle

[Sam W]

Thank you for that additional information. Are there specific things you're afraid would happen if you took a break?

[moonlightbae]

Actually no

[Siân]

Hi softuris,

That's good! Have you thought about speaking to your partner about slowing things down, or only doing sexual things together that don't carry any pregnancy risks?

So it sounds like you're getting a bit anxious here - both about the possible consequences of having sex and about taking a break from it. Does that sound right? Do you feel a lot of anxiety in other parts of your life?

[moonlightbae]

Hey there,
I think he understands my paranoia and concerns about imaginary pregnancy (as you answered my other threads earlier) and he is fine with it.
I have an anxiety disorder, so I tend to make things more complicated or overthink them a lot. I'm currently relying on you, scarleteen team, because I don't feel safe talking about my pregnancy scares with my friends. Thank you for your support!
And also, I think taking a break will make our relationship bond weaker because I know boys have higher libido and sometimes I don't want to have sex at all because I'm very scared.

[Heather]

Hi there, softuris.

It's actually a myth that cisgender boys/men have higher sex drives or interest in sex. In reality, there are loads of women who feel strong and frequent desire to be sexual, loads of men who don't, and a whole bunch of people at different places on that spectrum. Too, forming emotional bonds with someone isn't actually about just meeting or answering their sexual desires: in fact, I'd say that, all by itself, isn't really something likely to build much intimacy at all.

On the other hand, being open and honest with each other about what we really do or don't want or need IS something that tends to build intimacy. So, if you're worried about bonding, know that telling him you might want or need (or definitely do want or need) a break from sexual activity because it's creating more anxiety for you than pleasure is a thing likely to increase your bond more than withholding that information and just doing what you think someone wants sexually, you know?

Can I ask if you started being sexual with this partner because of what YOU want? In other words, I hear you talking a lot about what you think they want, but I don't hear you saying anywhere in here that YOU have your own desire to be sexual. Is being sexual with this partner something that feels like something that's at much for you -- per answering YOUR sexual desires, not just theirs -- as it is for them?

[moonlightbae]

Hey Heather, thank you for your message.
Yes, I started my sexual life for no other than myself - I really wanted to have sex but after some time I realised that I'm too scared to cope with the responsibility and that little percentage of birth control failure - who knows when it may go wrong, u know?
But if I think about that, it may seem absurd that I started it because I was feeling that I'm ready but in reality I'm not. Does it make me some kind of stupid, immature or just very anxious?

[Mo]

I don't think this makes you stupid or immature at all. It's good to think about whether or not you're ready for sex before you have it, for sure, but just like with many other things in life it isn't always possible to know how you feel about sexual activity until you've had it. It's ok to think you're ready, have sex, and then decide "you know what, maybe I'm not quite ready for all of this just yet" and take a step back. That's not uncommon at all, and is really normal. In fact, I'd call it pretty mature to re-examine the situation and make a different decision if that's what you need to do in order to feel better.

[moonlightbae]

Thanks a lot! I will definitely talk to him about it soon

[Heather]

I also want to double up on saying this isn't about you being stupid.

So many people grow up with really unrealistic ideas about sex, and so many of the messages we get -- from family, friends, media and other parts of the larger culture -- give us false, misleading, or incomplete senses of what it's going to be like or how we will feel about it. So, it's hardly surprising that it often (nope, it isn't just you!) happens that someone feels like it's something they were ready for, then has some experience and finds that how it actually is isn't what they were expecting, or they feel differently about it than they thought they would.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have the idea that once you "start having sex," you aren't allowed to pause or stop, especially inside the relationship they started. I hope that you know that that's not true, not to mention a terrible reason to be sexual with someone else (because you don't feel like you're allowed not to). <3

Also, learning about our needs from experience, and then adapting what we do to better meet that needs? That is very much the opposite of immaturity: that's actually something that's all about maturity, as well as good self-care.

[moonlightbae]

Thank you very much! I really appreciate your responses, it helped me so much

[Jacob]

Happy to hear Scarleteen has been a helpful place softuris! It was great to see you figuring things out through this thread.

Just to reiterate the 'not stupid' thing. I think it can be totally self-aware of you to listen to yourself when you felt ready for sex. Sometimes that is how we work out how ready we're not, by testing the waters. It sounds to me like you've been working things out in a very healthy way: trying things out; asking questions; seeking help; communicating your needs. Awesome.