The "amount" sexual desire is not strong enough for me to step out and have sex

[Emma233]

Hi,
I am 20 years old girl, the weird thing is I have never had any sexual experience with anyone...I didn't even watch adult videos and I haven't even seen the sexual organ of a boy. I know pretty much nothing about real-life sexual intimacy. But I have a boyfriend recently. he is same age as me, but he seems more liberal about sex.

I think I am a conservatism, I don't want to make myself become an easy, dirty, shameful girl......But I don't think I am asexual because I am actually curious about sexual activities, but I am just too afraid to step out. The desire to have sex is not strong enough for me have courage to overcome the fear......

I have said that I really want to wait for marriage to have intercourse sex before we starting dating. He understands and respects my intention. However he also have other kinds of sexual desire such as oral sex, breast play (not forcing me, just in a causal talk). Actually I don't really mind to do that with him, but I feeling it is too soon. I am not ready, I feel fear and I am not fully developed with trust on him. He said normally people will do that kind of things after few months dating, but I am not sure, I don't really know whether I will be prepared for this kind of experience after months. Because I don't have my sexual needs or desire to masturbate myself in my 20 years living here, I don't know whether I can get ready and able to face my fear of intimacy.

Is that normal? Is there anyway for me to start developing interest to have sex, even just simply helping my boyfriend to jerk off?

I am sorry if I have lost control on my grammar and the meaning doesn't make sense...I feel helpless

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Emma. I promise, you're not helpless, and this all probably isn't the problem it feels like.

I want to start with this: your boyfriend is wrong about what everyone does with dating and sexual activity. In reality, there really isn't any "normal" here. There's a LOT of diversity. But even if there wasn't, no one should be doing sexual things just because others are. Ideally, everyone is only going to do whatever sexual things they themselves -- and not just their partners -- actually want to do, when they want to do them.

Notice I said "want" there, not "don't mind doing." Sex shouldn't ever be required, so we really shouldn't find ourselves in a place where we are doing things we don't mind doing, but we don't actually ourselves really WANT to do. That said, it's really common for people, especially women who are dating men, to have the idea that they have to do sexual things, even if they don't really want to, to keep men sticking around. It sounds like you feel that way, and I'm really sorry that you do.

By all means, sometimes we don't want the same things as people we're dating -- sometimes that's about one person wanting to be sexual when the other person doesn't, or doesn't yet, other times it can be about wanting a relationship where we see each other every day, but the other person only wants something that involves hanging out once a week. Ultimately, a lot of dating is spending time with people and seeing different people to try and find people where most of what we want and need is aligned. Often, we'll stop dating because something major just isn't in alignment, and that's not uncommon. I'd say that sometimes we have to date, or at least consider, a lot of people before we find some real matches. I know that can be frustrating, but that's just how it is.

That said, sometimes even when wants don't totally mesh, if compromise involves someone NOT doing something they want for a while, it can still work out. That's certainly a better way to compromise than anyone doing something they don't want to do, especially when that something is sex (or things like commitments, legal agreements, etc.). Too, we're way less likely to experience sexual desire if being sexual feels forced on us, or like it isn't 100% a choice!

I don't think the answer here is to try and make yourself have an interest in or do sexual things you don't actually want to. Instead, I think the answer here is to figure out what, if any, ways of being physical or sexual you actually want -- and might be interested in even if a partner wasn't -- and then see if the person you are dating also wants to do those things. And the things he wants but you don't yet? Instead of telling you it's normal for people to do those things (which is actually a kind of pressure, so doing that to someone isn't actually innocent, and can be a form of sexual coercion), what he *should* be telling you is that you don't have to do anything you want until and unless you really want to.

I think it sounds like the two of you need to have a talk about this, a talk that starts with you letting him know what, if anything, you actually WANT to do sexually, and then making clear that it's not healthy or okay for you to do anything you don't want to. You wouldn't suggest that he should do sexual things he doesn't want, and so you expect the same of him. You seem very clear about what you don't want and what you don't feel ready for: I don't think you should be with anyone who makes you compromise, or makes you feel like you should compromise, on those things or makes you feel like you should. I think the right people for you to be dating -- for anyone to be dating -- are the people who can respect your limits and your pace.

How do you feel about all of that?

[Heather]

I do want to add that for those who DO want to be sexual with men/boys they date, and who DO feel ready, it's not dirty or shameful, and talking about people with words like those or "easy" can really do a number on people.

I get that sex doesn't feel right for you, or right in certain contexts, and that is totally okay. It's also totally okay NOT to have any kind of sex, ever, you don't want.

But it's just as okay for someone who wants to be sexual to be sexual, and that person is not dirty or shameful or any of that. They're just a person who wants to be sexual.

It's so easy to put pressure on people to make different sexual choices than the ones they want and that feel right for them. Telling someone they should be having sex is one way to do that, but so is sending messages that they shouldn't. Ideally, for everyone to feel the most supported in making all the sexual choices that are most right for us, uniquely, we all can help by not putting anything on someone to make them feel shame, no matter what, okay?