Scarleteen

My girlfriend went on birth control a little while ago and, as is expected, is moody. Which I can deal with, I knew it was coming. It's been like a month and I got sorta confused so I did some light googling, and I found out all of this stuff about birth control, and how it can make you less attracted to your partner. I know she's not gonna leave me because of it but I'm still really stressed about it because, you know I really don't want her to leave me. Will she be this upset as long as she's on the pill? Or will the hormones balance in such a way that she starts acting, I don't want to say normal but normal? I just really love her and i'm really freaking out.

This information you found online certainly does sound questionable, I agree! Some people can find that hormonal birth control impacts their mood, but not everyone does, and there's no direct relation between birth control and specifically losing interest in a partner. And for people who do notice changes in mood from their birth control method, that might even out in a few months and it might not.
What you could do is check in with her about her experiences using birth control so far: how is she doing, overall? Has she noticed any sort of change in her mood, or other health issues? If there are specific things you're worried about you can bring them up too but it might be helpful for her to have you open up with some sympathy and general questions about her experience with this. It can be a big adjustment to take hormonal birth control, and it's harder for some folks than others.

Mo wrote:This information you found online certainly does sound questionable, I agree! Some people can find that hormonal birth control impacts their mood, but not everyone does, and there's no direct relation between birth control and specifically losing interest in a partner. And for people who do notice changes in mood from their birth control method, that might even out in a few months and it might not.
What you could do is check in with her about her experiences using birth control so far: how is she doing, overall? Has she noticed any sort of change in her mood, or other health issues? If there are specific things you're worried about you can bring them up too but it might be helpful for her to have you open up with some sympathy and general questions about her experience with this. It can be a big adjustment to take hormonal birth control, and it's harder for some folks than others.

Thank you, I know it shouldn't bother me so much, the medication changes your chemistry and that'll change your brain a bit. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible and that mostly entails just listening to her and getting punched in the shoulder just, so many times. I think what's really bothering me is that since she started, the physical part of our relationship is just gone, obviously that's not the only thing I care about, I just kind of miss it, and it just stopped like, overnight. We don't even kiss anymore, and again, it's fine, but I do miss it, and I don't know how to bring it up to her without sounding horrible. It's bothering me more than I thought it would, and more than it probably should.

Hi Jon,

It's great that you're trying to be so supportive and are listening to her (is that a playful punch on the shoulder that goes along with it, or a mad one?). I think there are ways to bring up your concerns about sex that aren't going to sound horrible. Sex can be a big part of certain relationships, and if that form of intimacy disappears and takes other forms of intimacy, like kissing, with it, it makes a lot of sense to miss it.

Someone's interest in sex can disappear for a lot of reasons, including medication, stress, or health issues, so you may want to come at this conversation from that angle. You could ask her, gently, if she's noticed the change in your sexual interactions and ask how she feels about it? Does she miss it? Is there something she's dealing with right now that she thinks may be the cause of it? Are those questions you feel like you could ask her?

I made it worse I made it so much worse. I told her how I felt and I asked her if there was anything wrong and she said she just couldn’t talk about it right now and that she’d text me tomorrow. I thought I was being as nice as possible, I tried so hard and I just absolutely failed. So so hard

You know, it sounds to me like it's possible that things started changing in your relationship very coincidentally per the timing of the pills. From the sounds of things, none of this may have anything to do with her contraceptives. This all sounds a lot to me like relationship changes or issues that were probably already brewing and aren't likely about someone's hormone levels or medication side effects.

You sound like you're feeling really scared about your relationship right now, and I'm so sorry. It's terrible to feel that way, and extra terrible to feel like you ruined something just by trying to communicate. It also sounds like you're feeling pretty insecure in this relationship right now as a whole.

How can we help?

I asked her if we were okay last night and she said she just couldn't talk about it right now. I texted her in the morning that I loved her and I hoped she was okay, and, yeah turns out it wasn't the pill, she was just sick of me. She dumped me over text this morning. Thank you for all of your help, I appreciate it Edit: I didn't mean that as passive aggressively as it sounds I promise.

Hi Jon,

I'm so, so sorry. Breakups can really suck - especially if they're unexpected or not of our choosing. How are you feeling right now?

Just sad. Just so very sad. Weirdly sarcastic, but sad.

That's completely understandable given how rough break-ups are, especially with the break-up happening basically a day ago. If it would be helpful, this article has a variety of strategies to help you get through a break-up:Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking. Are there other ways we can support you right now?

Okay, I'm so sorry to waste so much of your time, but I just wanted to ask somebody who wasn't either my older brother or one of my friends their opinion. I was/am very much in love with her, and I'm just trying to figure out whether or not I should try and fix things. On the one hand, she wasn't very, like, nice while leaving me, and before that whenever I tried to bring any of my issues with us up she just started talking about how much pain the birth control was causing, and then when I fully and directly addressed it, she dumped me. But on the other, I love/d her and I know at some point she loved me, and I also know that there has to be some reason that maybe could be addressed and we might even repair us. Or I might further hurt myself and her. I just have no idea what to do, my friends say I should move on but it's only been like three days, I feel like maybe I could/should still do something?

Hey, Jon.

I'm actually off today because of a medical appointment I need to hurry to, so I'm afraid I can't take as much time with this post to you as I'd like. But we often don't have other staff around on the boards on Wednesdays, so I didn't want you to have to wait another day for an answer. We can talk in more depth tomorrow, if you'd like.

But for now, I'd suggest you give this at least another week. Give yourself some time to really process this breakup and try to accept it: after all, it's pretty clearly what your ex-girlfriend wanted, or she probably wouldn't have done it (and especially wouldn't have done it in the way she did where she just texted you to tell you instead of discussing it with you over some time in person).

Personally, while I understand having strong feelings for someone and feeling in love, I think that the least you (or anyone) deserves in an intimate relationship is someone who treats you with more care and kindness than it sounds like this person did. Breaking up over text is a shitty move unless someone has no other way to do it or is concerned about their safety. I also suggest you were so worried about all this from your first post because this relationship wasn't one you felt particularly secure in in the first place, which makes sense, if so, because look at how this went.

In the event that she is actually a great person and would also want to change her mind about being with you, I'd suggest you let her come to that conclusion and bring that offer to you, both for your own self-esteem -- I think you're going to feel extra terrible if you make yourself more vulnerable with her, try and get back with her and she shoots you down -- but also to be respectful of what she asked for, even though she did it in a crummy way. Coming right back at someone who asked for a breakup just isn;'t respectful of their space, know what I mean?

Breakups can really, really suck and hurt like the dickens. I'm so sorry you're in this right now. But I'd suggest that the better way out is through, not back. <3