Scarleteen

Alright so, I am in a bit of a bind here.
I recently got into a committed relationship (somewhat by accident) and my current girlfriend has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and is very monogamous.

I lowkey have some issues with vulnerability, commitment and "settling down" that I actively working on and feel may be more defense mechanisms than a preference.
However, I am very curious about "bottoming", men/masculine sex partners and polyamory.
I can no longer go out and explore these things (at least not for a super long time) because of my current partner is in need of security and is very much monogamous.

This all being said, I don't know if my views have shifted and I'm curious because I'm trying to defend myself from emotional pain or if I simply don't view monogamy the same anymore (view an older post from the staff only boards: The Risk of Being Alone for more context). I love my girlfriend ad greatly appreciate her but I recognize a small, screaming part of me wants to still explore and f*ck around so to speak.

Can you fill me in first on what you man about getting into monogamy by accident? I'm sure you know why I'm asking: exclusivity and others kinds of commitment are supposed to be agreements we willingly make with people (if and when we do), not things that happen to us, or that others decide for us. If you're not intentionally in monogamy, and it's not actually a thing you want, we should probably talk about how you can make that clear to this person.

If they apparently need monogamy to the point that you (or others) don't get actual choices or feel like it's safe or sound for you to make a choice if it's something this person doesn't like or want you to make, that's not healthy for anyone.

I'd say it's extra-extra not healthy and super red-flaggy in a relationship where the person pushing their wants (and presenting them as needs) unto or over others -- assuming that's what's happening here -- has BPD. Then on top of that, this seems to be happening in something you got in right after, if I remember this right, you and your therapist agreed it probably wasn't a good idea for you to enter into/pursue another major romantic relationship anytime soon, period. My spidey sense is just on overdrive with this so far, you know?

That's a completely fair and valid response with the way I've described things so far.
When I say accidentally, I mean I had no intention of being in a relationship with this person. Like I didn't expect her to want more from me than just f*cking around.

We got together because we kept seeing each other and while I achknowledged I was not pursuing other romantic partners and kept going out of my way to see her after the first few days/weeks of hanging out she very directly wanted to know where things were going.

I felt my initial hesitence and my bubbling curiosity of poly relationships may be due to my nervousness around long term relationships and the relationships ending. It's why despite what's going on I just don't really care and want to take things as they come.

Also somewhat recently, my therapist and I discussed that a relationship won't be a necessarily bad thing and that approaching them from a healthier mindset won't hurt me even if I'm basically taking a leap of faith at this point.

I've been out of my previous relationship for about 5-6 months and I don't know what I'm doing anymore and that's okay.

My girlfriend didn't say they needed monogamy but felt now would not be the best time to explore polyamory for fear of losing me to another partner and because we would agree on a more feminine partner but she would feel that I would like that partner more.

I really like her and if this ends for whatever reason I'll take this as an opportunity to grow and move on.

As for the other aspects of this post, I am curious but I will be fine overall. I was hoping there would be a way to better process these feelings since I currently cannot act on them.

That gives me some more information that certainly answers some of my concerns. Thanks for being understanding and mellow about the fact that I had and voiced concerns.

I do think that it's important to talk about if YOU want monogamy or not, and if you feel able to say if you don't. I also think it's important when you're in a relationship with someone with BPD to just be extra cautious about if you're doing anything (or not) because you feel like you're walking on eggshells, or if that person has, in any way, set things up so that they make all of what they want needs so the other person feels they don't have real choices. If you don't mind my asking, are you telling your therapist the same things you're telling us about this relationship? If not, I'd just suggest you do: they're going to be a potentially great resource for you in having a relationship with someone with BPD, which really is it's whole own thing as a thing, if you get me.

But if you actually WANT to try monogamy for yourself, then obviously this is a whole different situation.

I think what might be most helpful to you in this is just to share some super-basic stuff that I've generally done for myself as someone who has lived in and with both frameworks, and who generally prefers sexually open/nonexclusive frameworks and agreements, but has also spent a lot of time in exclusivity, some I did want and felt good about, some when I was honestly over it.

I think it's helpful to remind yourself this is a choice and an option, and you can always change your mind. So, if it turns out you really do want to follow up on this curiosity and date others, you will have the choice to do that. All of this is about choices.Same goes with this choice being about what you want and feels right for you. If monogamy feels like the right things now, but stops feeling that way later, you get to make different choices later and ask for different things. You say you can't explore these things "for a super long time," but that'll only be true if that's the choice you have made and keep making.

You can engage in fantasy as much as you want to, whether that's just in your head, something you bring to masturbation, or, if your partner is into it, something you bring into your sexual partnership as either fantasy or role-play.

I would challenge you on the idea that poly = noncommittal. Poly relationships can be -- and many are -- as committed and daily and long-term and involved as monogamous ones, sometimes even more so. In fact, it's one of the last places I'd suggest someone who doesn't want to make commitments go exploring, tbh. You might also figure you can use some of this time to think about if what you want is poly, or what you want looks more like plain old dating. Sometimes being exclusive for a while does allow you some time and breathing room -- and also the experience of being exclusive -- to get more of an idea of what you do really want.

Hi again Heather,
I'm in a phase in my life where I recognize I want to question everything I've been brought up with. This includes whether or not I am monogamous because I choose to or because I was brought up with that idea only.

I note my desires for other people but do not act on them and I know acting differently in this relationship at this time would cause a disagreement and violation of trust.

My girlfriend and I have discussed a polyam setup of some kind in the future but she feels it would trigger issues pertaining to her BPD which is why she does not feel secure enough at this time to consider something like that anytime soon.

But we have also had many more discussions and agreements in which we acknowledge that if our relationship lasts a long time (or doesn't) we'll be okay and still try to be there for one another.

We basically agreed that we would still be friends (to the best of our abilities) and to be respectful of the boundaries of BOTH parties. This means my boundaries are now being taken more into account and we are now compromising about a pace that suits both of us and I feel both thankful and relieved.

I know I will have a point in my life to explore my desires, with or without my current girlfriend and that's okay. I will give this a chance because I don't want to essentially keep myself from being happy for fear of being hurt or not being good enough.

Thank you for listening to me Heather and if you have any other comments or concerns, let me know!
Sincerely,
BuddyBoi23

Hi Buddyboi,

I'm going to leave some things here for Heather to address, but I did want to circle back to the idea of bringing up your partners' BPD with your own therapist. If you haven't done that already, I encourage you to do so, because they can give you tools to navigate any challenges that diagnosis brings to the relationship. If you two have discussed it, have they given you any tools or resources you've found helpful?

I also want to add that it sounds like you're leaning to approach your feelings about how this relationship fits into the broader picture of your life in a helpful way. That is, not putting a lot of pressure on yourself to pursue all your desires right this minute and being open to enjoying the relationship you're in as it happens, rather than worrying about what might happen if it ends.

BuddyBoi: I'm super sorry to have to do this, but I'm afraid I probably won't be able to pick up with you until the week after next. I'm in the middle of an unexpected and very big move with which I have little help, and which also is very emotionally difficult, and I just don't feel like I have enough spoons left to do you justice right now.

I'm sorry to have to ask you to wait on me or work with someone else on the things I brought up last month, but unfortunately, I do.

I want to point out that there's a wealth of research by feminist psychologists, and from the c/s/x movement, about how BPD is a descriptor that professionals put on patients in a highly gendered way, and very often, what's being called BPD could more fairly be described as Complex PTSD - like Stockholm Syndrome: over-identifying with the wishes of close or powerful people in one's life, not having a clear sense of their own desires or boundaries, and so on. But also, sometimes, doctors diagnose people as BPD precisely for NOT showing these symptoms! - ie, a woman is 'too' sure of herself, 'too' emphatic about her own wants, and doesn't listen 'enough' to a doctor/parent, and the doctor calls her BPD to pathologize her non-conformity. This is why Dr. Judith Herman, author of Trauma and Recovery, calls the term "little more than a sophisticated slur."
(the term 'borderline' here originally meant "the border between 'neurosis' [also poorly defined] and 'psychosis'", but it's become shorthand for a whole lot of subconscious anxieties so winds up meaning whatever doctors want it to mean.)

I also find myself thinking a lot about Lundy Bancroft's insights in "Why Does He Do That?" - although the book is mostly focused on abusive relationships, it has a lot to say about general psychology and relationships too. Namely, that people being controlling or manipulative isn't something that can be blamed on their emotions or a mental health condition usually. But is rather about their core beliefs and values - an ethos that tells them they're entitled to use or dominate other people. I don't think it sounds like anyone's being controlling or manipulative here - just something to keep in mind.

(Since it's really likely that someone who's been given the BPD label is a trauma survivor - and might later identify away from that and identify more with the C-PTSD label - I think it's really important to be clear that their own emotional disturbances do not make them predisposed to abuse, or to act out an abusive value-system. Ie, having been emotionally/psychologically injured by abuse doesn't make them like their abusers.)