Relationship

[maddiestewart12]

i’m a girl. I googled live sex cams to see what they were but didn’t go to any websites or do anything. Did I cheat on my boyfriend? I feel guilty like I did something wrong.

[Sam W]

Hi Maddiesterwart,

Simply doing a google search on this topic is not really something the average person would consider to be cheating. Cheating is when someone goes outside the agreed upon boundaries of relationship that relate to who they engage in sexual activities with or who they date, and that doesn't sound like what happened here.

Do you have any thoughts as to where those feelings of guilt may be coming from? For instance, are they only tied to worries that this was cheating? Or are there other aspects to them?

[maddiestewart12]

No, I am only worried that this is cheating. My boyfriend and I have a great relationship I just don’t want to ruin it.

[Heather]

What is and isn't cheating isn't universal: that's something everyone in a given relationship needs to talk about and make agreements about. If you aren't sure what is or isn't cheating in your relationship, that's a good indication you and your boyfriend haven't yet made any agreements about exclusivity, so you two probably need to start having those talks and deciding what you both want to agree to. It doesn't sound like you're comfortable not knowing, and he probably isn't, either.

But I wouldn't ever suggest people in a relationship make any agreements that suggest something like using a search engine to look up sexual material, or looking at sexual material, period, are "cheating." We can talk about why, if you like.

[maddiestewart12]

Yes can we talk about why please

[Heather]

Sure.

When we make agreements about sexual exclusivity, they're generally about people in real life and what, if any, sexual actions -- not thoughts or fantasies -- we engage in with other people outside the relationship. Those agreements also, to be healthy and sound, need to be about increasing our intimacy, not about anyone seeking power or control.

We always need to leave room in exclusivity agreements for people to masturbate, for instance, because that's not about other people, and it would be controlling to suggest someone couldn't touch their own bodies without you being part of it. We always need to leave room for things like thoughts or fantasies, because those aren't things we can largely control, we all need to be allowed our thoughts in healthy relationships, and thoughts also aren't actions. By all means, we need to leave room for people to just be curious and look up or at things about sex: again, in most situations, looking to limit that would not be about intimacy, it'd be about control. Make sense?

Have you and your boyfriend talked about what you do or don't each want to agree to when it comes to what you both want to have considered as cheating?