Scarleteen

Hello all,

I only started being open about my sexuality and LGBT issues around 2 years ago. However, I still have some lingering anxiety that prevents me from speaking up as much as I would like to when someone says something that is somewhat bigoted. I tend to be out to people who mostly believe that transphobia and homophobia are not ethical opinions to have and so these tend to be the people I push when they express a subconsciously homophobic or transphobic idea. However, I don’t like that I only speak up about some trans issues. I will always push on peoples opinions about trans people in bathrooms, regardless of whether these are people that recognize the legitimacy of trans identity or not. And I try to also contest opinions about transitioning among people who would not think of themselves as transphobic but still have some problematic opinions. However it is hard for me to speak up about the transphobia of straight men who would question their masculinity if they found themselves attracted to a trans woman with a penis. Recently I was watching a movie with some friends and there was the all too common scene of some straight guy panicking after realizing that he had had sex with a trans woman. The guys in the group agreed with the panic talking about the “injury” to the man’s “pride” , the “shame” and how they would never let their friend live it down if it happened to them. I got so uncomfortable during this and didn’t say anything though I badly wanted to. I wanted to challenge the assumption that there was something shameful in being attracted to a trans lady, the unspoken statement that trans women were really men or at the very least not women, and the fact that they were implying that even if trans women were men, which they are not, I know, that there was something shameful about being attracted to men. I didn’t say anything though because I didn’t want to seem too preachy or be annoying. Bear in mind this is a group that calls each other out, sometimes jokingly, when they say something problematic. I want to be an ally to trans people, and so I want to have these conversations even when it scares me. How do I get over this hang up and do this?

Hi!

So let's start by acknowledging all the things that you DO do. Speaking up when people say awful things about who gets to use what bathroom is important and hard so doing that is a great start and more than plenty of people manage. It's also important that you look after your own safety and wellbeing when calling people out, and most people recognise that there are situations where speaking out is too risky.

In this particular situation though, it sounds like you're saying it should be safe and possible to speak up, and that you'd like to - is that right? I ask, because you also say it scares you, and I'm wondering if knowing what you're scared of helps you make the decision of a) whether to speak out and b) if so what tactics you might use. For example, having a some short scripts/phrases in mind that you can bring out in situations may make it feel easier and more natural. Keeping it short and simple can make a point without turning into a big discussion (as if this is a matter of opinion and there is anything to discuss..). Does that sound like something that would work for you?