why do i want a baby at 14

[elliemorgue]

my question requires some background I am 14 turning 15 soon I have had the plan to try to get pregnant in August of 2019 and keep trying until December. I have had "baby fever" for almost two months when usually I only have it when I'm about to have or am on my period. I know it is irresponsible but I don't feel that I have anything to lose by the time the baby would be born I would be old enough to drop out and during the first few months of the baby's life, I could continue school online. I don't have many friends, do not like partying, have already experimented with drugs and am done with that and would be willing to work nights to support a child my mother is very supportive and is amazing, I know that she would be disappointed but I think that she will help out while I do online school. Anyway does anyone know why I feel this way and what I should do about it

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, elliemorgue.

You're not the first person to ask us something like this. We've even got an article from way back when that's one way of addressing some of this, if you like: I Want It NOW! I'm glad you asked about this, because this is something that can have a huge and long-term impact on your life and the life of a maybe-kid.

I'm glad to talk with you, if you want, about some of the pitfalls in thinking this way, including that I hear you talking about yourself, but I don't hear you talking about the kid who could potentially result from this and what impact all of these decisions could have on their life. But I think it's probably more useful to talk together first about why you might be feeling and thinking this way.

Can you tell me a little bit about what your life feels like right now without a pregnancy or a kid? Are you in a pretty good space right now, or are you feeling like life sucks or feels empty? What about your long-term plans and dreams for yourself? What do those look like, and has at least some of your life been supporting you in making some of them a reality? You talk about dropping out of school: are you currently having trouble at school in some way, or is it feeling like something where academically and socially, it just isn't giving you anything?

It can also help to think about what it is you really want in getting pregnancy and having a baby: what are you looking for in those experiences? What do you want from them that you feel like other things -- ideally, less big-life-giant-risky things -- aren't giving you?

[elliemorgue]

well, lately life has been feeling empty and like something is missing. to combat the "baby fever" I tried things like babysitting but when the job was over I would go home and cry uncontrollably and binge birth videos, as well as videos on a youtube channel, called Nurture that are called "Underage and Pregnant". even the videos about how hard it is won't turn me off the subject. I have wanted to be a mother since I was 3 years old my only dream for life is to have a family with like 6 kids, the only thing I want in life other than that is to someday have a house in a warm place. and I know that it would be irresponsible but I think that I would be fine in the end and I know that I would put all my efforts towards taking care of that baby. I don't even have a gender preference so that means I could not be upset by the outcome.

[Heather]

Well, that doesn't actually mean that -- it's kind of amazing how our feelings about things can surprise us when they are realities rather than just ideas. But I also think that how you feel about the gender of a potential child probably isn't that essential to the bigger issues here.

Thanks for sharing those things with me. So, it sounds like your big life aspiration so far has been to be a mother, and of many children. It's actually really hard to raise even one kid, let alone six, especially with challenges like having kids really early in life or without/before a lot of money. But you know, it's really hard to do a lot of things in life, and something being really hard often doesn't stop us from dreaming about or wanting it, and it probably shouldn't! Just because our goals or dreams may be challenging, after all, doesn't mean we should ditch them or that they're not worthy goals or dreams.

Given that doing a really good job at parenting -- and even just having a safe pregnancy and delivery for yourself and a kid that also doesn't blow up your life or leave you impoverished -- and having it be an overall positive experience are both generally things way more likely to happen when people are deeply prepared for them, what do you think about going ahead and keeping your heart and eye on this goal, but working on the things you can do to prepare for it at a better time than trying to do it right now?

What about putting your energy into doing all you can to prepare everything you can for this so that you can get to that better time and potentially have a lot of what you need to assure it goes really well for you and any kid?

In other words, what about, for example, keeping your focus on what you want to do with the other parts of your life that not only will be vital to pay some or all of the bills for this dream, but also will give you important things parenting usually can't or doesn't so that you can be a well-balanced parent when you are one? What about things you love in life and will probably want to share with a kid: what are some of your favorite things to do? What about getting through school and maybe taking some child development classes at a college, something that not only would help you be a great parent, but which I'm betting you'd really be into since you're so into kids? Or seeing if you can apprentice with a midwife or doula?

What about working to get yourself at least to an age when we know physical and mental health outcomes are much better for Moms and infants alike when it comes to pregnancy and delivery (we start to see better outcomes when birth mothers are at least 17)?

I do want to make sure that one thing you are doing for yourself is not shaming yourself for having these feelings and goals. It's okay to want to be a mother, and it's okay to have your major dream in life be about creating a family. There's nothing wrong with those wants, and there's also nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. I also don't think you need to do things to try and make yourself feel differently, though I do think that it's a good idea to make choices based on those feelings very carefully, especially since there's a whole other person involved who doesn't get any choices here and whose life will be very deeply impacted by yours.

Where things get tricky is that we know from a lot of history and study that the outcomes for very young mothers and their kids just aren't very good (we can talk about why, if you want, because while some of that isn't really a thing you can change, some of that is potentially within your control to adjust for) AND we know that when people are this young, their ideas of what parenting are like are generally very unrealistic. As well, we also know that when young women who feel like life isn't offering them much and is empty try and fill that space with a kid, it rarely is a good answer. In reality, life can often feel even MORE empty, especially when you're pregnant, which is a horrible time to feel isolated, and like things are missing even MORE with pregnancy and a kid, even though that's not what you expect. (That's not even mentioning how you might feel about having had sex with someone, or what the whole situation with whoever that person is is going to involve, including all its strains and stresses.)

And, of course, there's a whole conversation to be had about choosing to make and put someone else in the world because of what a potential parent wants, rather than really trying to center how life would be for a kid and put THEM first...something you're going to have to do for the whole of a pregnancy and then at least a couple decades of their life.

But I don't think that you need to try and make those feelings go away, because I think you have control over what you do with these feelings. You can feel the way you do, after all, and still make responsible choices. Know what I mean? It's upsetting to me to see you doing things that are causing you pain and distress, doing things to try and make you feel bad about a dream you feel good about. I really don't think doing that is necessary or of benefit to you. I think you can make good choices here without having to make yourself feel bad.

Did you read that piece I linked you to? If so, did you have any thoughts or feelings about it you wanted to talk about?