When does sex stop hurting?

[Whoknows357]

Hi, I'm a female in my 20s and recently had PIV sex for the first time and there was a lot of burning pain. I have been penetrated with other things before (fingers, dildo, pelvic exam) and I have never bled so I don't think it's a hymen issue. I figured that since I've had some experience with penetration that it wouldn't be so bad, but it burned the whole time (again, no blood whatsoever). How many times do I have to have sex before it stops hurting?

[Sam W]

Hi Whoknows357,

Ouch, that sounds like a really unpleasant experience. It's not so much about figuring out how many times you'll need to have sex before it stops hurting, but rather what was causing the pain in the first place. After all, if that cause isn't identified, insertive sex may continue to hurt no matter how many times you do it. Painful sex can come from a variety of sources, which you can read about here: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse. Did you and your partner use lube? And were you feeling very aroused while it was happening, or were you feeling tense? Too, are you up to date on your sexual healthcare?

[Whoknows357]

Ouch, that sounds like a really unpleasant experience. It's not so much about figuring out how many times you'll need to have sex before it stops hurting, but rather what was causing the pain in the first place. After all, if that cause isn't identified, insertive sex may continue to hurt no matter how many times you do it. Painful sex can come from a variety of sources, which you can read about here: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse. Did you and your partner use lube? And were you feeling very aroused while it was happening, or were you feeling tense? Too, are you up to date on your sexual healthcare?

No we didn't not use lube and I admit I wasn't super aroused but I still didn't think it would be that bad. I figured that, as with other types of penetration, there would be initial discomfort then my body would adjust. But nope, it hurt the entire time (thankfully he came in like 2 minutes).

[Sam W]

Okay, so if you and he are planning on being sexual again, two big steps to take would be to get some lube and to make sure you're taking enough time for you to get to a point of being aroused and relaxed. Too, if you try it again and it continues to hurt, do you feel like you could ask him to stop?

I also want to check, was this sex something you were excited to be having?

[Whoknows357]

Honestly I'm not thrilled about the idea of doing it with him again because it was so uncomfortable. Like, the whole time I just wanted it to stop. But I'll keep your advice in mind for the future.

And I guess I liked the idea of it theory, but in practice it was hard to get aroused.

[Sam W]

If the idea of doing it again doesn't sound appealing, then that's a feeling you should listen to and honor. Being sexual with someone is about doing things that feel good to both of you, rather than doing something where you're wishing it would stop the whole time. On that subject, was there a specific reason you didn't ask to stop when you realized it wasn't enjoyable for you?

What do you think was making it difficult to get aroused? Was there something about the setting or the scenario that was stressful or uncomfortable? Not enough time devoted to things other than vaginal sex? Something else entirely?

[Whoknows357]

I didn't ask to stop because I figured the pain would subside but it never did. In fact it just got worse. And we did some foreplay (touching, fingering) that didn't reduce the discomfort in any way. I guess it's just hard to get aroused when you're not really experienced with sex.

[Sam W]

Got it. It sounds like then, in the future you'll know to ask to stop when it starts hurting, rather than assuming it will subside (after all, pain is a way our bodies tell us that we need to stop what we're doing). With the foreplay, are those activities that generally turn you on?

You're right that being sexually inexperienced can lead to some nerves or other emotions that can make it tricky to fully enjoy yourself. If you haven't already seen it, try taking a look at this article and seeing if there are other things that were absent this last time that you could work on having present the next time you choose to have vaginal sex: First Intercourse 101

[Whoknows357]

Thanks for all the support. If it means anything there was no kind of soreness the next day or anything, the act itself just burned a lot. Not sure how common that is

[Sam W]

You're very welcome! A burning feeling during sex can be a sign of a variety of different things. Since you weren't using extra lube, it may be you felt burning just because of the semen coming in contact with vaginal tissue that was a bit raw. Burning can also be a sign of infection (especially if you notice the burning happening during insertion of other objects or when you pee) or, in rarer instances, an allergic reaction to latex or semen. Since we can't say for certain what's causing it, you may want to check in with a sexual healthcare provider, especially if you haven't had a sexual health check in awhile.