Worried

[Kylee]

This is embarrassing but I need advice. I'm in the 9th grade. Last Saturday night without my parents knowing I went out with a senior. I had never made out so things happened quick when he was able to get his hand in my panties. I didn't want to let him know I hadn't done that before and I got really excited. Before I knew it we were down in the seat having sex. It was exciting and stupid me let him do his thing in me. Now I'm worried I might get pregnant. How soon can I take a test to see?

[Heather]

Kylee: I'm sorry that it sounds like this is something that you didn't necessarily want in the way it happened (or when or so fast), but just felt like it got away from you. I do want to check in to make sure that you actually consented to all of this, though, because it sounds like you may not have. You say this person got his hand in your pants, for instance, rather than you asked him to or that he asked and you said yes to doing that. Was all or any of this actually sexual activity you wanted and consented to? I get you say some of it felt like it kind of just happened for you, but it sounds like it wouldn't have without this guy steering things the way he did. In other words, it probably for sure wasn't something he was surprised by or not thinking would happen, and I just want to make sure that he did ask for your consent with all of these things and that you also gave it to him.

It's okay if it was something you totally wanted and said yes to (because you wanted to be doing it, even if it all felt fast), by the way, and doesn't make you stupid. What it may just make you is inexperienced in doing things like knowing how to slow things down when you're liking a thing, how to insist a partner use a condom and to talk about STIs and birth control, and with someone you probably don't feel that confident with. It's hard to know what to expect and what you need to be ready sometimes, and if you're with someone who is either equally inexperienced or who is experienced but doesn't seem to bring any care, maturity or skills to the table in their interactions with you -- like having condoms and putting them on as a habit -- on top of walking in pretty blind and without expectations of anything sexual....well, it's easy to see how a lot of people land in this position. Especially when those people are young women and the other people are older dudes.

I'm afraid it is too late now for emergency contraception, so at this point, yep, what you can do is just make plans for STI testing -- after all, pregnancy wasn't the only risk here -- and then, if needed, pregnancy testing.

With the pregnancy test, you'll just want to wait and see if your period comes when expected, if you are pretty regular. If it doesn't show up by around a week after you expected it to show up at latest, then you can take a test and be assured of accurate results. With the STI testing, I'd suggest you plan to go get that in about six weeks to two months, unless anything seems like it's gone off in the meantime (like your genitals smelling way weirder than usual, or funky-looking discharges or sores), in which case you'll want to schedule an appointment if and when any of that happens. You can also ask for a pregnancy test at the same time you get that STI testing if you want and it's needed. Do you know where to get that kind of healthcare near you?

[Kylee]

Heather, Thanks for writing me back. Like I said it was the first time I had made our with someone. We started kissing then he played with my tits. I didn't say anything so after a few minutes he ran his hand up my skirt. It was exciting so I never told him to stop. In no time I actually wanted to do something because he had me so excited. When he ask if I wanted to do it I said yes. I didn't think about a condom until we were finished and felt it ruuning out of me.. My period isn't due for about 10 more days. So I have to wait to take a test?? I was hoping I could do something now because I'm so worried.

[Heather]

So, it sounds like he actually did things to you without even asking for your consent, like touching your breasts or putting his hands up your skirt. It sounds like you enjoyed that, but I do want to make sure you know that even if and when we enjoy something nonconsensual, that doesn't change that it wasn't. Next time around, be it with this guy or someone else, everyone should always ideally be asking the other person before touching them. Especially when something is brand new and there aren't any developed patterns of nonverbal communication yet. Not asking you just plain wasn't okay, and chances are this guy knows that, too (and might not try it with girls his own age who often know better, either).

It certainly wasn't okay to have intercourse with you without a condom, either, and we can talk about that more, too, if you'd like. Again, that may not have been something he'd try with girls his own age, so this may be a situation where this is a person who is knowingly taking advantage of you knowing your age and inexperience. At the very least, I'd strongly question being sexual with this guy again.

I'm afraid that there isn't anything you can do right now but wait this out. It's too late for en emergency contraception pill but too early for pregnancy tests. Pregnancy isn't something that happens instantly, it takes roughly around a week to even happen, and then some more time to develop enough for the body to produce the hormone pregnancy tests look for.

Do you have a friend or someone else you can talk to for emotional support while you wait this out?

[Kylee]

Thanks. I have a friend who is 18 that I can talk to. She can keep a secret. I just don't want my Mom to find out I had sex unless it's necessary. I think he has already told some of his friends since one made a comment to me that sounded like he knew. I won't be going out with him any more for sure. I haven't said anything to my friend yet but today when I put my bra on my boobs are so sore I could hardly stand to wear it. Is that a bad sign? I still have until Friday or Saturday to get my period.

[Heather]

You get to decide, ideally, who you tell and who you don't. I'm sorry that it sounds like he may have told some people without asking you if that was okay first. I'm glad to hear you're not going to go out with him again: he hasn't sounded safe or okay in a bunch of ways.

We're not going to engage in pregnancy scare talk, but know that tender breasts are not usually something that happen for pregnant people as early as before a period is missed. That's just something that can't happen because of pregnancy that early. On the other hand, it's really common for people to experience tender breasts just before a period. If you haven't noticed that happening before, it's probably because you weren't worried about it before.

[Kylee]

Great, scared me. I had never noticed it before but your probably right. Praying I get my period by the weekend been a hard two weeks. Thanks !!!!

[Heather]

It's hard to wait scares out, especially when you have to do it without the care and support of the other person who got you in this spot to begin with. It can feel very scary and very isolating. If you want emotional support or to talk more about your feelings with all of this, we can at least offer that.

[Kylee]

First I want to thank you for letting me talk to you over the last couple of weeks. I did not get my period when it was due last week. As of yesterday i was 4 days late with none of the normal signs it was coming. So...I told the guy I needed to talk with him. I started out by telling him it had been my first time so not wanting him to know I didn't ask him to use protection. He freaked when I told him I thought I was pregnant. He said he thought I knew what I was doing because I didn't hesitate on letting him do it without a condom and certainly didn't act like it was my first time because I knew what to do. I told him I was sorry and should have been more responsible and did not want to cause him any trouble just wanted him to know. I told him I was going to talk to my mother and would let him know what was going on. After I got home i confessed to my mother about going out with the guy and what I had done. When she wanted to know if I was in trouble I broke down and told her I thought so. She handled it better than I figured and today she made me an appointment for later this week with my doctor to make sure and get a checkup.

[Heather]

Of course.

You know, it sounds to me like that guy was trying to shift all of the responsibility unto you, which is <insert your favorite swear word here>. This guy is way older than you, and clearly navigated much of this. Unless he's not very bright, he also knew when HE chose not to wear a condom that HE was choosing to take pregnancy risks instead of protecting himself. Especially since you're the one who was at all the highest risks here, I don't think you owe this guy any apologies. I think he sounds like a <insert that word again here>.

Also, if you scared him? I say: GOOD. Guys like this guy sounds like he is could stand to be more scared of young women, if you ask me.

I'm glad your mother was there for you: that's great and as it should be. I'm sorry that you have to experience all of this, but know that we're all certainly rooting for you.