Sexuality

[Bluenikuli]

So is there no way to tell your sexuality unless you try the real thing? I mean, I haven’t really had a crush on someone in a while so I really don’t know about that, but when it comes to sex I think about all types of sex with boys and with girls. Like nothing really is like “eww” to me. I’m into it all. I think that’s a better way to sum up my issues with my sexuality than I have in the past.

[Alice M]

Hi Bluenikuli,

Lots of people can and do apply labels (or the absence of labels) to their sexuality without having sexual experience(s) with some or all people of any applicable gender. Sometimes this can be fluid -- there may or may not be any permanent "correct" sexual orientation for you (and this is 100% okay!). If you haven't read this already, I recommend that you do:
Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?

Two things that I'm wondering, after reading from your post:
What does "try the real thing" mean to you? Also, you used the word "issues" and I'm wondering how problematic your sexual orientation feels to you right now. For instance, it sounds like being "into it all" is a problem and I'm wondering if you can expand on that a bit.

[Bluenikuli]

When I say try the real thing I'm referring to like committing to a full relationship or having sex (in any form not necessarily penetration.) It's kind of a big deal because I want to know who I am. I hate not knowing for sure. especially because it's been so long since i've really liked someone. I don't think that being into it all is something is really a problem. I wish I were 100% Straight because I'm scared if I really am gay I'll begin to play into that and act more feminine which for a normal person is fine but not for an actor. I already am very flamboyant on stage and if I were gay it would probably not help. There are many reasons why I don't want to be gay that has a lot to do with my environment and is just a lot to discuss. I've talked about it in a previous post though. I'm kind of more okay with being Bi because it's not as boxing to me. I know its weird and may be thought of as rude in some way but it's just my truth.

Now, that isn't to say that if I discovered that I only like men that I would hide it. I would just accept it and work around it but I haven't had enough romantic and sexual experiences to know that yet. I think that's what is getting. Feeling like I need to do certain things to really know how I feel how both genders.

[Sam W]

Hi Bluenikuli,

Those feelings you're describing where you feel like you have to have had certain experiences with partners of multiple genders is actually a worry we've seen many people express. I wonder, what do you think would help you become comfortable with the idea that you don't have to have certain experiences in order to know your sexual orientation? Because right now it almost sounds like it's that belief that is causing you distress, more than your actual orientation.

It may also help to remember that sexual orientation isn't really something you can get wrong; it's something you conceptualize based on the information you have at the time, and it may change as you get new information about yourself and the world around you. A person may identify as gay at one point, and then something will happen that gives them new information and they'll realize that a different identity actually feels like a better fit. Does that make sense?

As an aside, can I ask why you fear you'd start acting a certain way if it turned out you were gay rather than bi? After all, it doesn't sound like you started leaning into stereotypes associated with bi people, so there's no reason to assume you'd do that if it turned out you were gay.

[Heather]

You know, I don't actually think any of us can know all of who we are for sure in any respect. And when it comes to sexual orientation, I honestly feel like a lot of people are often just one person away from a surprise a lot of the time, whether that surprise is about finding out they can experience attraction without love, or finding someone attractive outside a way of looking or presenting gender than they knew they felt attraction to, or falling in love with someone they never expected to.

I'm hearing a lot of homophobia in this post, and I'm so sorry that it sounds like you've internalized that, no matter what your orientation turns out to be. I hope that over the years, you can learn to unpack and let it go, because it just isn't good for anyone, you know? Loads of actors (I've been friends with a bunch of them through my life) are gay or lesbian and no less successful in that field because of it. That isn't to say there isn't homophobia (and biphobia and transphobia and sexism and racism...etc.) in acting, because of course there is, but this also is 2019, not 1965. Too, gender isn't the same as orientation, and being a gay man does't mean being femme unless that's how a person is as far as their gender identity -- which is separate from orientation -- goes. Plenty of men who aren't straight are also femme, and plenty of gay men very much are not. I have personally known some gay men in my life who are the butchest men I ever met. (Also, there are more than two genders of people! So, this isn't about a "both.")

You're going to be who you are, no matter what, but you also will get to choose how you live your life and how you present, both when it comes to your orientation and your gender identity. Having sex with a couple of people or a few relationships probably isn't going to tell you who you are in some giant way in this respect, because that's just a small sample size. But it can for sure give you some more information, just like just paying attention to whom you feel attracted can. I'd also strongly suggest you make sure that being in relationships or being sexual with other people is as much about them as you, and ideally about more than just trying to find things out about yourself, you know? After all, that's a whole other whole person involved with their whole selves and feelings.

Are you actually interested in someone right now to have an intimate relationship or sexual interaction with? It doesn't sound like it...?

[Bluenikuli]

I’m really not “looking” for an intimate relationship but I kinda wish I were. Like I haven’t had a crush on anyone like my friends do in a loooong time but I want to. Some people that I love so much have told me they liked me and my instinct was like “just a friend”. But I also don’t know if it’s because of my relationship fears or not. (Like we discussed in the last post. I just didn’t know how to respond it last time. :p) like it isn’t that I want to try thing for selfish reasons. If I did, I would’ve done that already.

Also, about the whole gay and feminine thing. As a kid a was very girly. Like I played with all girls toys and everything so everyone (even my parents) thought I was gay. But that wasn’t true in the slightest for me at that age. So I’ve kinda always felt with being acussed of being gay all the way up till like early junior/ late sophomore year. I’m a senior now so you know. I kinda like that people don’t think of me like that anymore (as much). Also, I can tell that the gay kids in my school (when they thought I was gay) liked me at some point. They’ve never admitted to it but they used to flirt with me all the time. Now they don’t. So like if I say I’m bi or gay they might start flirting with me again and that might be uncomfortable again. There are just so many small reasons for different things that are just so difficult to communicate through text, you know?

[Siân]

It's okay to not be looking for a relationship right now, for any reason. It's also okay to not have a new crush every five minutes - it doesn't mean anythings wrong or that you won't again soon enough.

Something that is coming through quite strongly to me both in this thread and your others is that you talk a lot about reasons for not wanting to be gay - like Heather pointed out when they mentioned internalised homophobia - but I don't think sexuality is a thing you really reason with, you know? It just is, and you can't really change it. Now I'm not trying to say that you are one thing or another, but it seems like trying to force yourself into one box or another is causing you a whole bunch of stress, what do you think? Of course, whatever your sexuality is, you aren't obliged to share it with anyone if it's going to make you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. Does that make sense?

[Bluenikuli]

Yeah. for sure. I totally understand and I know you can't "reason" my sexuality but I just don't know for sure. I mean like I new for sure (like if i developed an actual crush on a gay) I would embrace it. but it's been years since I've had crush on someone. it's not like I haven't had one this week. you know?

[Sam W]

Some people go longer periods of time than others without having crushes or people they're attracted to, and that's okay! After all, encountering people to crush on has to do with a lot of factors including location, social circle, and plain old luck. I wonder, how does it feel when you think about leaning into what Heather said about being open to surprises when it comes to your orientation? Does that feel exciting or freeing? Or does the thought feel stressful?

[Bluenikuli]

I don’t know what is meant by “being open to surprises” because I feel like I am? I don’t feel like I haven’t been open to them. It doesn’t feel stressful to be open to surprises.

[Bluenikuli]

I think I am open because I wanna know!

[Bluenikuli]

Like, more about my sexuality.

[Siân]

That sounds like a positive thing! I wonder if centreing that openness to discovery and experience in your thinking, rather than what you are/aren't sure of yet, would help you take the pressure off a bit?

[Bluenikuli]

Okay, this isn’t that I just can’t stop thinking about. It doesn’t really cross my mind until I’m like alone or I’m just horny its something. It just reminds me that I don’t know yet and that is when I’m like “bleh” you know? XD idk if that makes any sense. I just want to be concrete and have this discovery already so I can explore more in that area. does that make sense?

[Sam W]

What you're describing makes a lot of sense. It can be really frustrating to feel like there's a part of yourself that's a big question mark, and it's totally understandable that you'd want that question mark to turn into something concrete. Do you think it would help to have a reminder you give yourself when that "bleh" feeling pops up? In other words, something that lets you acknowledge the feeling is there, acknowledge that you're still not sure of your identity, and then lets you move on with your day.