I thought I was making progress but current events opened old wounds

[CartoonsPlural]

Today I had to take an indefinite hiatus from Facebook and Twitter because I couldn't bear seeing all the heated public discourse about those abortion bans in Alabama and Georgia. I live in Pennsylvania, so these laws don't directly affect me, but even after unplugging for a while it's bringing back some bad memories that are really, really fucking me up and I can't seem to escape them.

Here is my story. I was raised Christian, and my particular denomination (evangelical Presbyterian) is strongly pro-life. Many of the arguments in favor of the bans are reminiscent of some of the more extreme things I heard growing up in the church, things like "Sex is for babies, not for fun. If you don't want kids, keep your legs closed!", your duty as a wife being to make babies, the ways you can prevent being raped (i.e. don't dress like a slut, don't cause your brothers in Christ to stumble.) From the church’s teachings to my dad reacting unpleasantly to characters kissing on childrens' shows like Drake and Josh or Hannah Montana (this was the mid 2000s), it was drilled into my head that sexuality was a dirty and disgusting thing.

And then I was sexually assaulted by another camper when I was 14 years old, which effectively wrecked me. I am grateful that the assault didn't result in pregnancy (the person who did it was female) but I thought "What if a man did it, I got pregnant and needed an abortion??" I'm terrified that could actually happen one day. I realized I'm scared of getting pregnant and that might be one of the big reasons I'm scared to have sex.

For what it’s worth, I also have Asperger’s, so my social skills aren’t very good and dating is a tremendous challenge. Plus the sex act itself seems like a sensory nightmare.

I started seeing a sex therapist a couple months ago to help me overcome my sexual hangups/fear of intimacy, and I thought I was making slow but certain progress, but this whole thing has reopened old wounds. I'm trying not to be afraid of sex, but the possibility of getting pregnant terrifies me, and that's kind of the whole point of sex, right? I thought I was ready to start dating and pursue a romantic relationship, but it's as clear as day that I'm not.

[Heather]

Hey there, CartoonsPlural.

I'm sorry that I'm seeing this just as I was making a quick last round, before I went to bed on a day when I am just worn ALL the way out, including from some of the same things you are. You deserve full attention/energy with something like this, and I'm afraid that whether it's waiting on me or someone else, that'll unfortunately mean waiting until the morning. I wish my brain was less fried so I didn't have to ask you to have that patience, but I'm afraid I do.

I did just want to reply though so you know at least one of us saw this and will come in and give you some support with all this as soon as we can. I hope you can get some rest yourself tonight, too. <3

[Heather]

I'm not on the schedule today, but I wanted to be sure you got a response.

I want to say some things about what you posted last night, but am not going to go too into some of the emotional pieces without first getting a sense from you about how you're feeling today, and, if you can speak to this, a little more from you about what kind of help you're looking for here (problem-solving, listening, connecting you to in-person resources...?).

By all means it's certainly understandable to feel fear with both pregnancy -- particularly in the current state of this country -- and sex.

I would not say pregnancy is the whole point of sex. Human behavior and a ton of studies about it and the general study of it tells us that pregnancy is possible outcome of sex: sometimes people even have pregnancy with that as their primary motivation. But the vast majority of the time, often including when people are trying for pregnancy, what we know is that pleasure, personal expression and (when a partner is involved) bonding, or even just company, are more often the primary motives people have when it comes to sex.

I also want to make sure you know that rape isn't sex, not for those of us victimized by it anyway. Not even for some rapists, really (some rapists have sexual motives mixed in with the power all are seeking, but many are not actually expressing their sexuality, just violence and power). I don't know it that plants a seed in you that might help you not be afraid of sex, but speaking for myself, I know getting real clear on the difference between what sex was and what sexual violence was helped me a lot. Starting to get a sense that it might not even be sex you're afraid of, but rape and other sexual violence, could be helpful. If not, well...all our journeys in healing like this are so different, and that's always okay.

I also want to make sure that sex is actually something you want. I assume that's something your sex therapist has already asked, but just in case no one has come at you with this clearly, I want to make sure you know that it's okay --for any reason, for no reason at all -- not to have sex. If it isn't something you even want yet (or ever), the ability to be sexual with other people isn't something people have to have to live full, happy, healthy lives. Obviously, living in less fear of anything will help with those aims, but you can learn to be less afraid of sex and still don't have to have it. I hope it isn't something you feel like you have to do, or where you worry about some kind of ticking clock, you know?