Anal Incidents and Partner Conflict

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey everyone,

It's been a hot minute since I last posted on here but it's because I'm sexually active and in a relatively new relationship. We've been dating since February and had sex on the first date. Since then I've been more sexually open and I'm really enjoying myself.

However, last night we had an incident (as the title imples). My girlfriend is also trans and we recently started getting into penetration with a new prosthetic I got. We use condoms and all but I ended up with sh*td*ck the last time we had sex. We really enjoy our sex life even more now and it's super gender affriming for the both of us since getting my new prosthetic but after that incident I'm actually pretty grossed out now. I know she's self conscious about bodily functions like farting and pooping because of the "girls don't poop/fart/etc" ideology but she also feels anal sex regimens are too much work and if anything happens, like she farts during sex as an example, we don't talk about it. We just carry on and pretend nothing happened because it makes her uncomfortable/dysphoric to draw attention to what happened.

So pretty much I want to talk to her about cleaning up the back door if she's expecting a visitor but I don't want her to feel gross about her body or feel as though she's obligated to do something for me.

Is there anyway I can get past this disgust? If I feel up for it, should I talk to her about it? If so, how do I approach this conversation?

[pianolover]

I think its important to acknowledge your feelings about this situation and honor them.Then you can also honor and respect your partner's feelings. Sometimes any approach to sensitive topics can be hard. Also no matter what you say and how you say it can be hard on yourself and her. You can tell her that you understand how she feels about farting,pooping, etc. And then start expressing your feelings towards the situation. I hope this helps. Thank you for reaching out for help!

[pianolover]

I just realized I posted in the user to staff only forum. Sorry..

[Heather]

Thanks for noticing, and it's okay: people have made that mistake before!

Buddyboi: ultimately, I think that since there's only so much people can do, and winding up with fecal matter on whatever is inserted into someone's anus is often just part of how this kind of sex goes, asking a partner to clean up first might be asking too much, or -- more to the point -- may be asking them to do something they already did. In the event your partner DID clean up first already, I agree, this is dicey given they have dysphoria around this.

To be sure we're on the same page, on the whole, the basics of "cleaning up" before anal sex are just having a bowel movement (if a person can) and then being extra mindful about external cleaning: giving oneself a really good wipe, including with a washcloth, not just TP. Enemas aren't something everyone is okay with doing or comfortable with, so I'd say that anything that suggests it's just no big for someone to do -- or is required -- is asking too much, IMHO.

That said, you know your relationship and your partner to know what feels like an okay thing to ask and what seems like it just wouldn't be. What do you think?

I think the better (read: maybe less ACK! for everyone) route with this, especially if your partner is already doing the basic cleaning up bits already, is for you to see if you can't change your own mind a little bit when it comes to feeling grossed out (or maybe accept that this isn't for you, especially if even trace amounts of fecal matter -- which often will just happen even when people do their best to "clean up" first -- have you feeling super-yuck). Do you want to talk about why you feel grossed out to see if there's a way for you to get to just feeling more relaxed about it all?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Heather,
My girlfriend usually does the basic clean up (I'm not sure about the wiping though) and she told me she hadn't pooped that day and in the moment of the incident she told me that's never happened before. I went in very deep that night and I guess I was grossed out due to both the sight of the mess and the smell.

Like it's poop and it's sort of inherently gross to the majority of people. Being in such close proximity of it and having a bit on my underwear was just really gross and uncomfortable and felt plainly unsanitary.

I'll do more research and just learn to live with the discomfort for now.

[Heather]

Or maybe this just isn't the activity for you?

That's not necessarily the answer, but I think it's one possibility and option. It's okay to not be able to do everything and anything you and a partner want to do for any reason, including having feelings of disgust about any part of it. Even if you want to try and get past that, it may be that you need some time to do that first before it really works for you to do this kind of activity, you know?

Can I ask why would you choose to be uncomfortable when you don't have to be?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Heather,

It's been a hot minute but I think I know why I'd rather live with the discomfort. I really enjoy the sex I have with my girlfriend. Sure it isn't always sexy and on some occasions it can be disgusting. I am currently out of town and before leaving we basically had goodbye sex and the same incident happened again.

I can tell what happens to cause this mess. If I make enough room in my girlfriend's anus and leave enough time and space for any air to get in there it causes her to fart and release any feces causing a mess.

There's a way around this without invasive cleaning on my girlfriend's part and me jist having to wait in the "line of fire". Hopefully as we improve we will have instances where there are no (or at least minimal) messes.

Does this make sense? Does this sound achievable??
Let me know when you can!

[Sam W]

Hi Buddyboi,

I hope you don't mind my chiming in!

If this kind of sex is something both of you really enjoy, then it does make sense that you'd prefer to deal with occasional bit of mess and be okay with a little bit of gross than pass on the activity. It may help to keep in mind that even if you try different things to make the mess less likely, it's still going to happen every now and then (as Heather said, that's often just part of how anal sex goes).

Can I ask if your partner has reached the same conclusion about her enjoyment of anal sex being worth learning to move past a little disgust?