emotional trouble with her ex-girlfriend

[tomatopotato]

Dear Scarleteen-staff,

my best friend is in a complicated situation with her ex-girlfriend and asked me, if I could describe her situation to you to help her deciding whether she should pursue a relationship with her or split up completely.

I have already showed her the article "should I stay or should I go?" and she said, that she is "theoretically" more on the leave-side and is aware of red-flags in her ex-gf (searching her phone, being clingy and jealous, crying when my friend has to leave, pressuring her to say "i love you", getting mad when she is around other people, etc). Nevertheless she does not know whether her feelings of being uncomfortable are real, or if she simply has made them up, since her ex-gf always says, everything is fine and she mostly does not feel awful beeing with her. Further she told me, that she is not sure whether she is only annoyed being with her ex or if she does not like being around other people aswell, in genereal.
Additionally, she told me that she would not leave her ex-gf completly since she would feel like she did not tried enough after breaking up with her a moth ago. Her ex-gf is currently in therapy since she sufferes from depression, and my friend believes that everything will going to be okay if her therapy works and if they are communicating honestly. However, my impression is that my friend is the only one communicating and neglecting her own basic needs, while her ex is reflective but does not change her behaviour in the end and belives that loving her is enough.

I already talked to her about what would make her leave her ex completly and she stated, that knowing that her ex had intentionally tried to hurt her would be a reason to leave, but she had those impressions a couple of times already and tried to explain and justify with her ex´s history of abuse. The decision she made now is to keep in contact with her for at least half a year after their vacation.
She said, that she feels like having no valid arguments for leaving her and if she would leave her now, she would act immoral since she knows how much safety a relationship would give her ex, instead of the kind of relationship they have now, where they behave like beeing monogamous but are not officially a couple.
Additionally her gf makes a lot of drama, considering almost everything, and her friend group does so, too. They deeply dislike her for breaking up with her ex since someone my friend considered close to her gave her ex´s friends private information. Her ex does not really seem to care about the loss of my friends friendship and does not understand how you could not hate the ex-partner of your friend.

In addition, my friend has a history of abuse which makes it difficult for her to allow herself basic needs.

I hope you can give her some advice to make the right decision for herself and me on how I can support her.

[Sam W]

Hi tomatopotato,

It's great that you're trying to support your friend, and that you've been sharing resources with her from our site already. Do you think she'd be open to making an account of her own at some point? While we can certainly provide you with information and resources to give her, it'd be extra helpful if she was open to talking to us directly.

There are a few things that jump out about your friends situation. One is that she feels like she can't trust her own discomfort or her own noticing of red flags because her ex says everything is fine. That, in and of itself, is a red flag. Her ex doesn't get to dictate whether or not her behaviors make your friend uncomfortable. Your friend gets to do that for herself, and make decisions based upon those feelings.

It also sounds like your friend feels very responsible for her ex and obligated to maintain some form of relationship with her because of that. But the thing is, if you're staying with a partner out of obligation rather than desire, that's a terrible basis for a relationship, one that is going to lead to a lot of hurt. Your friend doesn't have to stay in a relationship that's emotionally unsafe for her just because she thinks she owes her ex the supposed "safety" that relationship offers. Too, if she's feeling like her partner has hurt in deliberate ways but is trying to excuse that due to past abuse, it may help her to know that a certain point the fact that the hurt occurred is more important than the potential reasons for it (also, plenty of people have abuse in their pasts and manage not to enact abuse or harm on a partner. Her ex is choosing to behave that way).

Lastly, it sounds like your friend feels like she doesn't have a good enough reason to cut contact entirely. But here's the thing: wanting to be done with the relationship, in any form, is reason enough to end it. There's no court of relationships where someone has to prove they have good reason for ending things, y'know? Too, your friend has a lot of reasons that many people would consider "good enough:" her ex exhibits lots of red flags and has done things that hurt her.