Polyam or Wandering Eye?: Valid Emotions vs. Toxic Monogamy

[BuddyBoi21]

Alright so I meant for this post to be open to anyone but hey, feedback matters.

So I've been in this pretty new relationship since mid-february but we spent a ton of time together, met each other's families and will now temporarily move in together because I've decided to move out since I've had top surgery this past week and my mom is still struggling to properly accept my medical transition.

My girlfriend has fears about being abandoned so I work to reassure that I'm not going to abandon her, however I hate/feel uncomfortable with the fact this fear is heightened/triggered even more because I'm considering moving in with my friend who I had a crush on, then tried to swat away the feelings of, then went on a school trip with her and flirted a lot. Once the flirting was addressed and it was noted she was uncomfortable I completely backed off, talked it over with my girlfriend and noted her boundaries over everything.

Everything is cleared up now but now I'm afraid of my feelings not agreeing with my messages of reassurance. What if I do end up losing interest in my girlfriend? What if I end up having feelings for both of them and just choose not to act on my feelings for my friend but end up feeling dissatisfied with a monogamous relationship?

For more background, we're all late teens/early 20's, my girlfriend drinks and does recreational dr*gs. It's taken time but I'm doing my best to be comfortable with it. My friend who I had a crush on does not do dr*gs or drinks which is why she is currently my only option in terms of roommates right now. We plan to have at least 3 people in this housing situation and it's just feels very messy or like it could become very messy.

I wish I could move out alone but financially that's nowhere near realistic so I'm stuck with all these different fears/questions.

[Mo]

It sounds like a lot of the worries you're having are related to potential changes in your feelings, and that isn't something you can really prepare for; there isn't a way to know if you'll feel unhappy being monogamous, or develop strong feelings for your friend. What you can decide to do is to be as honest about your current emotions as you can, and address changes if they come.
Sometimes, if you're having a lot of "what if?" sorts of fears, it can be helpful to really explore that, instead of getting stuck at the general worry phase. If you lost interest in your girlfriend, what would you do? How would you handle it if you realized you weren't happy being monogamous? I think these can be good things to think about regardless of your living situation, but I think it's only helpful if you're thinking about concrete steps you'd take instead of letting those worries float around, unresolved, in your head.

[BuddyBoi21]

Well if I lost interest in my girlfriend we would have to have a hard conversation about our feelings. If I weren't happy being monogamous I would probably try to further assess my feelings and if being in that relationship wasn't satisfying then I would have to either learn to make an exception or end the relationship.

There's this feeling and reminder that no one is perfect and as problems arise in a relationship, I just need to handle (for lack of a better term) conflict as it comes up. That's why I'd prefer to try and stick around and just go along with things rather then just up and leave when differences are clashing.

What do you think?

[Sam W]

It sounds like you've already given quite a bit of thought to what would happen if your feelings around your girlfriend changed. Which means you're about as prepared as is possible if that does happen (as Mo said, trying to fully prepare for a shift in your feelings or how you'll react to that shift is not really possible).

It also sounds like you've got a solid sense of what you prefer to do when problems arise in your relationship. Something I'd add is that it can also to have a sense of your dealbreakers, for lack of a better word. There are many differences that partners can resolve or at least come to a truce over, but each of us have things that, if they crop up in a relationship, are signals that we need to end things with that partner. Knowing what those are for you, personally, is just another relationship evaluation tool, y'know?

[BuddyBoi21]

Well Sam, I used to have deal breakers but then I decided to toss all of them out entirely because I came across so many issues in previous relationships.

If a person didn't break any of my deal breakers they would have a flaw or two that made the relationship more painful than enjoyable.

I just didn't want a girlfriend who smoke or drank excessively/at all and someone who practiced safe sex. But also given my personal emotional state at the time, I initially wasn't looking for a serious relationship at all before meeting my current girlfriend who drinks from time to time and smokes often. Me being 20, I feel as though this is just a weird thing I picked up from my strict upbringing but I still find myself uncomfortable with being around the smoking a from time to time.

I also become a bit uncomfortable with the pace of the relationship and it's why I wonder if my desire to explore different ways to be engaged in a relationship are from my initial discomforts within this one or if I'm just genuinely curious.

I don't know; my concerns have been expressed and the compromise is my girlfriend tries to smoke in another room, she no longer smokes cigarettes, she respects my desire for space and is okay with the fact I don't want to move in with her permanently anytime soon.

If for whatever reason our relationship does end, I feel like I'll need more space and may return to dating people who don't smoke or drink at all because I can tell this makes me greatly uncomfortable even though I do like my girlfriend and care about her a lot.

I hope things will work out okay either way.

[Heather]

I'm feeling like there's a lot in here that's bringing me back to this discussion: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic. ... 383#p44383

This seems a lot bigger to me than just this person smoking or not. I feel like there's been a bunch of conflicts -- including getting into a "serious" relationship when you did at all -- not just this now. I feel like one of the biggest has been that you haven't expressed (I don't think so) wanting to be monogamous for yourself, but only because of this person's wants, AND you coming into this very shortly after agreeing you really needed NLOT to be in a relationship for a while, so I'm hardly surprised to see you feeling like you are right now, you know?

That given, I want to be sure to answer this for you:

What if I do end up losing interest in my girlfriend? What if I end up having feelings for both of them and just choose not to act on my feelings for my friend but end up feeling dissatisfied with a monogamous relationship?

If you lose interest, then you lose interest. It's okay to lose interest or otherwise have our feelings change. It happens all the time.

If you have feelings for both of them then you do. It's okay to have feelings for more than one person, of any kind.

If you choose not to pursue anything sexual or romantic with your friend and find you don't feel satisfied with this current person in monogamy, then that's okay for you to explore and find out, too. Obviously, if that's what happens, then you will probably benefit most by changing that situation so you are not in something -- or in it in such a way -- that isn't right for you, and if you do make a change because of that, that's okay to do, too.

If any or all of those things happen, then they do, and it's okay if they do, even if it's painful to one or both of you or if it's not what one or both of you would ideally want. Honestly, this is so often dating (especially since it's only been a few months): seeing how something goes with someone for as little bit and then -- more often than not, IMHO -- finding out it's just not right for one or both people. In my experience both in my life and when it comes to the work that is studying and educating about intimate relationships, there are often more not-quite-but-almosts in dating, very much including at the few-months-in mark, where many, many dating relationships go kaput, than good fits to keep going with.

That all said, I think it's been clear this might not be right for you in a bunch of ways for a while now, if not right from the start, so I do think it's good to think more about this now, as well as bring it to your therapist (particularly since I assume they had reasons back then for suggesting you step back from serious relationships for a while).

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

I'll be honest with you you are right about the unknowns regarding the relationship and every relationship in general.

It's why I no longer feel anxious, nervous or scared about the relationship or future relationships.

I went to see my therapist and we agreed that I can still take things as they come but can try to help my girlfriend find a therapist of her own to help her address any of her issues she may hold, particularly anything that may effect or pertain to her BPD.

If for whatever reason I do believe I should break up with my girlfriend I would feel it's best to wait until after I find some place to move and to help her find a therapist that can help her.

Regardless I still feel like my girlfriend could use help. A supportive partner is important sure but I recognize I can't "fix" her problems for her. Hopefully she will follow through with seeking help but if for whatever reason she refuses and our relationship doesn't feel safe/okay/"right" to me then I will leave if I feel I should.

I hope this sounds okay. Thank you all for your feedback and help!

[Jacob]

Hi BuddyBoi!

It sounds like you know where you are at now pretty much!

I agree the practical implications of breaking up (if that's what you did) would be easier to communicate if she did move out and got support. But, it is good you recognise that these conditions are themselves things you wouldn't be able to ensure. It's good to understand that you may not be able to do anything so that her life is in order and aren't responsible for how she reacts to decisions you make about your life and your relationships.

It can be very difficult when we are so accustomed to being the person who helps a partner deal with their struggles, to let go of our ability to be an emotional comfort to them.

I think this is why it's so helpful to keep contact with friends and people who love and care about you, that way your sense of security can come from yourself and a wider safety net, and it becomes easier to make measured decisions as the relationship evolves and becomes whatever it becomes.

I hope this makes sense... I'm not sure I managed to absorb everything you've shared here, but this is what came through for me!