Scarleteen

Well, let me start by saying that I love my boyfriend. He is romantic, loving, he would never cheat on me, and he makes me very happy. I’ve asked about him before as well. Well, now we’re having a new issue.
We hardly get to spend any time together. We’re extremely unlucky and for multiple reasons we barely get to talk using our phones at the moment. We’re both eighteen years old and we have multiple restrictions preventing us from spending time as a couple. We’ve been dating since we were 15 years old. Because of all these restrictions, we’ve been fighting more and more recently. We bicker a lot, but its easily resolved and we go back to being loving/romantic after. We’ve only had a few huge fights in our relationship and we’ve overcome all of them. But now, since things have been hard on both of us with college coming up, parents, weird phone service providers (we both have iPhones but theres an issue with the connection for some reason) and not being able to talk much, we’ve been arguing more and more. Well this morning he said something while we were fighting that I would never expect him to say. He is the sweetest boy in the world and would do anything in his power to make sure I’m happy no matter what. But he called me a b**** this morning..... and I don’t know how to feel because when we fight we never go as far as saying anything like that. I said some things I didn’t mean as well but it felt like he meant that when he said it. He hasn’t apologized for it and he isn’t texting me much now. I don’t want to lose him. He’s my best friend and I know he loves me, but I’m worried with everything going on he might want to be on his own. How can I stop these fights and make sure he didn’t mean what he said?

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much and that (per your other post, too), things have been so hard.

This kind of upcoming transition time in life is often very, very challenging for couples your age, even without all the extra bits in there, like the stuff with your parents.

My best advice is to leave this for right now and let any silence be. Don't text, message or call him right now. Give him some time -- a few days, at least -- to get a chance to think about what happened and what he said and to come back to you to talk about it. Then, when you two do get back in touch, make an arrangement to talk in person (honestly, texting is so very terrible when people are in conflict -- it's just a really bad medium for working things out). When you do get together, say the things you have said here, and tell him you want to change this pattern, and you'd like to work together to do that. Then see what he says.

If that sounds good to you, how about we talk a little here about how these fights/arguments usually go? Knowing more about how they go can help us brainstorm solutions with you. Can you fill me in a little more on what usually starts them, where they're happening (in person, in text, etc.), and how both of you usually behave in them, including what you do alone or together to resolve the issues you're fighting about?

Arguments for us usually start as him not thinking something completely through. Or it could be me not understanding his point of view. I’ll ask him why he did what he did and if he understood the harm that it caused. He’ll say yes and we’ll let it go, but the fight starts because he’ll go and do the same thing we just established was not okay a few days later. Its like he goes through these patterns of doing things without thinking over and over and saying he’s sorry but doing it again. So it makes me feel like he either doesn’t care that I’m upset about it or he can’t understand what makes me upset.

Usually we end up apologizing by the end of the night because we don’t go to bed without saying goodnight and I love you. We only haven’t said it after one fight, which we resolved the next day.

When we’re arguing, we try to at least talk over the phone about it so we can hear each others voices. Sometimes it happens when we’re in person and in that case we talk openly about it and it’s more calm.

Thanks, that's all really helpful.

Do you feel like you could have a productive discussion with him about all of that -- including saying exactly what you did up top there? It seems to me that just being able to say that, especially that last bit where you say:

So it makes me feel like he either doesn’t care that I’m upset about it or he can’t understand what makes me upset.

...is really important. You also need to hear what HE thinks is happening then, and if it's about not caring or not understanding or if it's about something else entirely (like being very bad at being mindful or intentional in his actions with you or in general, for example, or like feeling resentful he can't do things a given way and has to agree with you even if he doesn't, as another of many possibilities).

Once you two have a better sense of what the barrier to really resolving that pattern is, then you can start to figure out what you can do about it. (And we can probably help with strategies, if you want.) Know what I mean?

Update: we’ve talked and said our apologies. We resolved it but we’re having trouble finding ways to prevent these arguments in the future.

Hi brows_andlashes,

During that conversation, did the two of you hit upon any possible explanations of what the barriers to resolving arguments or preventing certain arguments might be? While it's unlikely that there will never be any sort of conflict between partners, sometimes there are things such as argument style, communication expectations, and unaddressed feelings that mean arguments are happening when they don't really need to.

If you haven't read this resource already, you might want to check it out and share it with him. Learning how to resolve conflicts and fight fair is something that can go a long way towards there being fewer conflicts in a relationship over time and help those conflicts actually resolve, rather than repeat: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics