We’re in love, but...

[brows_andlashes]

Hello. My boyfriend and I are in love, truly. He, (18 Male) I (18, Female) have been through so much together in the three years that we've been dating (more than I can type here, but trust me, its been a lot). We're going to colleges next to each other and we were each others first sexual experiences in any capacity. However, my parents don't think we're truly in love and he's going to break my heart and leave me. My parents love him, they think he’s a really sweet guy and they know he cares about me, but they still feel this way. I know he wont and he knows I wont do that to him either. Since my parents think he’s going to break my heart, they refuse to let us spend time alone (because they think we haven’t been sexual yet since we told them only recently that we’re dating) and they even give me trouble about going on dates with him. We end up having to sneak around a lot and we don’t want that, we just want to b a normal teenage couple who can spend time alone and out in public. How can we get our parents to trust that we're in love and we would never hurt each other? And how can we get them to let us have time alone?

[Sam W]

Hi brows_andlashes,

It sounds like there are two separate but interlocking things happening. One is you and your boyfriend wanting privacy, the other is how your parents seem to be reacting to the relationship.With the spending time alone, are there places you two can go that allow you some alone time, even if they're not completely private? For instance, places like parks are technically public, but they have plenty of spaces where two people can sit and talk without anyone paying attention to them. Too, do either of you have a car? That would also offer a space that, while not totally private, would let you feel more like it's just the two of you.

When it comes to being alone specifically to be sexual, there are a few different options. If you're both going off to college soon, are you going to be living at home while you're at school? Or will one or both of you have a dorm or apartment? The reason I ask is that one option here would be to wait until you have those spaces. Another, if you're comfortable or able to do it, would be to see if you could access something like a hotel room. Too, are his parents equally unwilling to allow you two your privacy? Or is it just your parents who are doing that? And since it sounds like you've been sexual with each other to some degree already, how did you go about finding the privacy for those moments?

With your parents, do they actively try to prevent or forbid you from going on dates with him, or is it more that they make comments about it? And do they show this same level of not trusting you in other parts of your life?

[brows_andlashes]

The problem with them is that they love us being together, but they just make it weird when we want to be alone. They want us to be open and public with them about everything we do when we rightfully want to keep our relationship private and between us. His parents are the same way.
We have tried LITERALLY everything in the book— neither of us has a car and we will be living in dorms.
When we were able to be intimate before it was just a fluke chance and his parents were upstairs.... If we’re going to have sex we want it to be free of anything we’d have to worry about.
My parents are very trusting of me but I have never been open with them about people I’m interested in or anything romantic about my life up until recently in my relationship. So they dont want it to seem like I’m moving too fast and I’m not experienced and I’m gonna get my heart broken by this new guy. We’ve been friends for 6 years but dating for three. Even before we started dating we were best friends and we still are. Our parents are confusing because they love us, they love that we like each other, but they don’t want us doing anything normal couples do.

[Sam W]

Got it. I will say what you're running into with your parents is pretty common. Parents can like your partner and be glad you're in a relationship that makes you happy and still be uncomfortable with or worried about the idea that you may choose to be sexually active. When you say they don't want you to do anything normal couples do, do you mean only sex? Or are there other things they object to or prevent you two from doing?

Given what you're describing, it sounds like one of the decisions to make is whether you want to try and ask for more privacy now, or wait until you two are off at school and in the dorms before you try having vaginal sex (I'm assuming that's the kind of sex you're waiting on privacy for, since it sounds like you've had other kinds of sex when the opportunity arose). You're right that sneaking around is not great, and it can often put a strain on your relationship with your boyfriend (and with your parents) so finding a way to avoid it is a sound move.

[brows_andlashes]

They will just find excuses for stopping ys from being together. For example, we tried to go out to breakfast at our local diner Saturday morning. Which is a very regular date that poses no threats to my virginity or his. But his parents decided that he couldn't go (or rather, they refused to bring him) because they wanted to spend “family time” together. This wasn't anything that was planned, and they didn’t even have anything specific they wanted to do, but the reason they gave for not letting him come was because of family time.
This puts a lot of stress on our relationship because we hardly ever spend any time together and it causes us to have more arguments. Both of our parents get in the way in their separate ways. But we’ve agreed that his parents are a little to involved in our relationship and that’s what causes most of the problems. He is adopted, and his mom is about 15-20 years older than the average parents (for reference, his mom is a year older than my grandma) which makes me think that she just wants to feel like she’s still “in the know” even though her son is getting older. I think she thinks that when he meets his mom this summer that he won’t want anything to do with her. Could that be a reason?

[Sam W]

Ultimately, the people who can give you two the reasons behind why your parents are acting this way are, well, your parents. It sounds like it may be time for both you and him to talk independently with your parents about letting you two have some space to actually have a relationship. This would also give you a chance to discover where your parents are coming from and if there are any feelings or fears that are influencing their actions (other than the fear that you may get your heartbroken). Does that sound like something you're up for? Do you feel like you'd know how to have that conversation?

[brows_andlashes]

I have no clue how to talk to them without making things awkward or weird or breaking their trust in me.

[Sam W]

That's okay! Figuring out how to talk to your parents about tough topics is something you learn to do over time, and plenty of people have no clue where to start. If you haven't already, take a look at these two articles: When Worlds Collide: Dating and Dealing With Parents, http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... l_controls. Reading through them, do you see strategies or techniques that you think would work with your parents? It may also help to remember that these conversations may be a little awkward, and that's okay. Awkward is survivable, and often awkward is worth it if it mean we make progress on addressing a bigger issue.

Can you say a little more about what element of these conversations you think would make them lose trust in you?

[brows_andlashes]

I’m worried they’ll find out that we’ve had different types of sex in the past. Or that when I tell them that we’ve actually been dating since we were 15 rather than just a few months ago they’ll never let me see him again or they won’t trust him for lying to them. I dont want them to lose their trust in me because that is the only thing that’s letting me have the little bit of time I have with him already.

[Heather]

I'm new to this conversation and situation, but one thing I'm hearing in this is that it sounds like you think you may have to tell them every detail about your relationship -- including about your sexual life -- and I'm not sure I understand (if I have that right), why you're thinking you need to do that. Can you tell me a bit more?

What it looks like to me is that what you actually need to ask them for is more space -- in other words, some real boundaries -- not let them in even more. That feels like the right kind of talk to be having with them to me, one where you ask them to be less involved in your relationship and to have more boundaries. What I'm reading here really doesn't sound like families with healthy boundaries with their emerging adult children AT ALL. In a more healthy relationship, they'd be doing way more letting go to help you transition into adulthood, not so much latching on and asking you to not only stay latched on, but to make them such a big part of your other relationships.

I do think you might need to give up right now on the idea of them giving you more time alone: that just doesn't seem likely, especially as something that could happen BEFORE (or without) some new boundaries being established, and then being held by everyone for a while, you know? I know that sucks, but I think it won't serve you to be attached to something so unlikely. I think it'll work a lot better for you to see if you can focus on the larger issues here (AKA, no healthy boundaries and too much parental attachment on their part), including that make that so impossible, and see if you can't get some joint work on that first.

[brows_andlashes]

I think that they wont trust us to be alone unless they’re filled in on what’s happening. I said before that his mom and dad are about 15 years older than mine (and many parents of people my age, he was adopted when they were already older) so she feels like she wants to be in the know so she doesn’t feel “old” if that makes any sense at all. My parents just have a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m growing up and I’m spending a good chunk of my life with this boy in the future. My dad is extremely traditional as well. He believes in gender roles in a relationship and things like that, where my boyfriend and I dont really follow gender roles. He thinks that as a man he should be in the know on his children to make sure they’re doing the right things. He thinks that my relationship wont work unless its traditional style so he wants OUR relationship to be the way he believes it should be.
I’m sorry, I don’t know if that makes much sense so I can clarify if need be.

[Heather]

The thing is, that's not what trust actually is -- in fact, if trust is there, we don't need to know all the details. That sounds a lot more like control to me than trust, you know?

It's not on you to manage your parents having a hard time with getting older (I'm almost 50, I get it, it's hard -- but it's also on those of us aging to work through, and it isn't THAT hard, seriously). It's also not on you to manage your parents having a hard time letting go as you grow up. All of that is THEIR responsibility and their work to do as grownups. All you really need to do is not be a jerk around it and be a little sensitive, which it sounds like you already have more than covered. If anything, it sounds to me like this is another place where there are boundary issues in the family: you sound like you feel it's on you to manage this for them. It's really not.

It really sounds to me like you need to try and make some separation happen here with your folks. I really would not let them in even more to your relationship, personally: there are already so few boundaries, taking away even more is just -- I think -- going to make a situation that already seems dysfunctional to me even more so. I also don't think telling them every detail would get you what you want. Again, I think you may need to just accept that you two are probably only going to be able to get what you want in terms of time together and trust after you both have separated more from your parents, including not living with them anymore.

How do you feel about maybe starting to have some conversations with them about boundaries, and not just around you and your dating relationships?