i feel so disgusting and ashamed of myself

[babey]

sorry if this sounds really incoherent but i’m sort of in the middle of a breakdown, i honestly don’t know what to do with myself and i’m generally feeling immense self loathing and hatred. i probably might end up leaving details out, but i’m just sort of writing this in the spur of the moment.

i realized i had pressured my boyfriend during sex. now don’t get me wrong, me and my boyfriend are in a very loving relationship. he’s my best friend, and we have great sex and discussed and tested boundaries. love him

last night, we were in his car, (bad idea, i know, but sometimes things get real intense in the moment and we tried our best to keep it low) and i was giving him a handjob and he seemed to be enjoying himself. he discussed prior that he didn’t want to orgasm because it’d be uncomfortable driving home with semen-drenched underwear.

when he was getting close to orgasm, he said, “are you trying to make me nut? because you’re getting there.”
i replied, “do you want to?”
he said, “i don’t know, i want to, but...”
i said, “well, you better make up your mind before you nut!”

i kept going, and he again, seemed to be enjoying himself. but he then said again that he didn’t want to orgasm, but at the same time he wanted to— it would just be annoying to have to clean up, etc etc.

so i drew back for a bit, and then eventually resumed, but slower and more gentle. he seemed to be ok with it, didn’t tell me to stop.

then he said, “do it.” firmly and what sounded enthusiastically.

i replied, “are you sure?”

he said, “yes.”

so i went ham, he was enjoying himself, being a teeny bit vocal. happy noises, forehead kisses, “i love you”s, etc etc. i kept asking if he felt good, how was he feeling, what felt good and all that.

he didn’t orgasm because he was taking too long and i needed to get home, but once i got home, it came to my realization that i might’ve pressured my boyfriend to orgasm. it seemed he wanted to be touched and orgasm, he was just debating really hard whether or not he should and i put a teeny amount of pressure on him to make up/change his mind. i guess i was way too eager to make him cum. but i wasn’t sure, he texted me soon after “dude, i love you so much.” all gushy and all that. i spent the whole day overthinking it, driving myself crazy, and so tonight i called him to talk about it. the conversation went like this:

“hey— we never talked about your sexual boundaries.” i started. “what are you not ok with?”

he replied, “uh... i don’t really care at this point.”

“so, if there’s anything you didn’t want, you’d tell me, right?”

“yeah.” he said.

“ok well, i was kinda worried that i might’ve pressured you a little bit last night... did i?”

“maybe a little bit.” was his reply. “i put more pressure on myself then you did.” (i don’t know what he meant by this)

i felt my stomach drop and i felt so disgusting.

“so, you wanted to be touched and cum, right? you just were debating really hard about whether or not you should?”

“yeah.”

“i’m really sorry.” i said.

“it’s ok.”

“you promise? you promise you’ll tell me if i do something you don’t want?”

“i promise.”

“really?”

“yes, god damn it!”

“ok ok ok—“ i sputtered.

“sorry—“ he replied, “but it’s ok, don’t worry. these things happen sometimes. we just gotta be careful, ok?”

“ok, thank you. i love you.”

“i love you too.”

i tried to resume the call as normal, talking about other things, but i just couldn’t stop thinking about it. so i said out of the blue, “i’m so sorry.”

“hey, i forgive you. stop saying that, ok? it’s ok.”

the urge to cry was so overwhelming, so i just broke down and put the mic on silent. he noticed i was quiet for a while, calling out my name every so often and saying that he loved me.

once i got off silent, i said, “i’m so sorry.” it was obvious i was crying because of the sound of my voice.

he told me, “please don’t cry. i love you, ok? i did have fun with you last night.”

“i love you too. i’m sorry, i just don’t know what else to do.”

“i want you to stop saying that. just lay down, and chill.”

“but i literally can’t.”

i heard him sigh, and i muted myself again just to cry. i did that for a long while, and he would occasionally call out my name and say he loved me, and he eventually dozed off to sleep. i’m writing this right now as he is sleeping.

i don’t know what to do, i feel like i did something unforgivable no matter how many times he says “it’s ok.” i’m scared to death that i may have pressured him in the past and i wasn’t aware. i love my boyfriend so much. what should i do?

[Heather]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Reading this, it sounds to me like this particular situation has been resolved, and like he made clear that he didn't feel pressured by you. I'm not really seeing you pressuring him in what you've poster here either, for the record.

It does sound, however, like he maybe doesn't understand that having no boundaries or limits isn't a healthy thing: saying he just doesn't care isn't a great answer for either of you. It's going to be very hard for you to figure out what his limits and boundaries are if he says he doesn't care or he doesn't have any, and it's going to be easy for anyone to overstep with him, too.

I have an idea I think might help both of you to better figure out what they are and that I think might help you to have a couple more conversations to work through your worries and his apparent lack of boundaries together. Why don't you each fill out this Yes, No, Maybe list -- Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist -- and then talk about it together? Chances are awfully good that he *will* find things, whether those are sexual activities or ways of talking or other things -- that he isn't apathetic about, so not only can you both find out more about what those things are, you can perhaps then start talking about how to manage limits and boundaries better together so you can feel more confident that he's only ever doing what he wants to.

Sound good?

[babey]

he even told me himself he felt a little bit pressured in regards to making a decision whether or not to orgasm, i worry that i pressured him to change his mind. (though, he said he felt more pressured by himself then me, which i didn’t quite understand) he did give me a clear, and firm enthusiastic “yes”, though. ultimately, he says he felt good and had a good time, though; that it’s ok, that things like this happen sometimes even in loving relationships.

i’m sorry, it’s just sex can be so confusing and scary sometimes. like, sometimes it feels like if you make one little mistake = rape, coercion, assault, etc. does that make sense? fearing that you cross the line just like that.

yep, we’d totally benefit from talking and looking through this list. it is a little bit hard to work with “i really don’t care.” i’m gonna talk to him and see if there were other times he felt a little pressured by me, but i know for a fact i’ll cry like crazy if he mentions another thing. but crying is how i process guilt, if i didn’t cry, then i don’t feel bad.

what if i did happen to pressure him a few times in the past? it’s so confusing because we have great sex, we’re very touchy feely, and talk about sex often, so i might’ve overlooked it. would this make me a bad person?

[Heather]

You know, the idea some people get that rape is about making mistakes isn't really based in reality so much as it's based in some stuff that's actually rape enabling and even victim-blaming. I'm not saying YOU are doing or saying that, but by and large, the idea rape is an accident is a notion that's mostly gotten so pervasive because of people defending people who have sexually assaulted other people. And when sexual assault happens, it's really not about people making mistakes or maybe-misteps like yours.

(And he's right, btw -- in healthy, happy relationships, we can overstep each other's boundaries a little from time to time, sometimes even often. That happens when people are being intimate in any way, and we can't totally avoid that. What we just need to do is handle it well when it happens, including with plenty of communication, a thing it sounds to me like you're pretty good at.)

Rather, it's about people earnestly just not giving a shit about consent and mutuality, knowing full well they are doing things without consent, and doing them anyway because they know or think they can get away with it. It also is about trying to get power over people way more than it's actually about sex or desire. Sexual assault isn't a misunderstanding or an accident: it's almost always very much on purpose, but it's hard for a lot of people to accept that harsh and often painful reality, you know?

I actually feel 100% comfortable saying that I have zero concern about someone who obviously is as concerned about you are when it comes to doing consent right doing someone harm.

But let's address your concern: you are concerned you may have pressured him in the past. In the event we did wrong by someone in the past, all most of us can ever do is to take responsibility for that, make any amends we can and then do our best to do better moving forward. So, you'll keep talking just like you are -- great job, btw, you obviously don't shy away from communication, even about scary things -- and take it from there. I have faith in you.

[babey]

you’re right about that, very much so. “it was an accident/mistake/etc” does enable victim blaming and other terrible things. sorry if it sounded like i came off that way, i promise i didn’t intend to— rather, i’m just simply afraid of making mistakes and crossing boundaries without realizing.

thank you, heather, i really appreciate that. it’s super assuring and kind to hear that. i’ll do my best from now on, and try to remember that with sex and intimacy, from time to time, boundaries can be pushed, even in loving, happy relationships.

have a good day!

[babey]

you’re right about that, very much so. “it was an accident/mistake/etc” does enable victim blaming and other terrible things. sorry if it sounded like i came off that way, i promise i didn’t intend to— rather, i’m just simply afraid of making mistakes and crossing boundaries without realizing.

thank you, heather, i really appreciate that. it’s super assuring and kind to hear that. i’ll do my best from now on, and try to remember that with sex and intimacy, from time to time, boundaries can be pushed, even in loving, happy relationships.

have a good day!

[Heather]

Oh no, I didn't think you thought that at all. I just wanted to remind you of where it came from (or tell you if you didn't really realize), both just because that's wrong, but also because it seemed like it was feeding into you being worried about doing a thing that you were very unlikely to do. <3

I hope it goes well between you when you do that list together: from the sounds of things, even though he's having a harder time (it seems like) communicating about sex than you are, on the whole, it sounds like you two are pretty good at talking together, so I expect doing and sharing those might facilitate some really good things for you two.